So it's difficult for me to post when I'm not at work, in case you all haven't noticed. When I'm at home with family it's impossible to get the privacy I need. I'm stealing a couple minutes to do a quick update.
My weight this morning: 113.6. Not great, but really, considering it was back up to 116 a couple days ago (after a complete binge Sunday) I'm not complaining. I've also found some time to run, since I'm off work this week. So a bit of running yesterday and today. And I dug out my hoodia lollipops, so I had one today for the first time in a while. I forgot how good those darn things are! It did curb the hunger, but I was still "craving" something, ya know?
It's so much easier to not eat at work, then just eat dinner. Staying at home all day, with or without family, it's just too tempting to be close to the kitchen. I'm doing pretty well, but if I were working I wouldn't eat anything at all during the day. Oh well, I figure if I can simply maintain over the holiday break, I'll be doing better than most Americans! Yes, I'm still trying to lose, but I'm not going to beat myself up about it as long as I'm not back up above 115 again when I go back to work.
Anyway, stay strong ladies. Sorry no comments on blogs today, I don't have the time. I miss you all :)
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Friday, December 17, 2010
Um, well...
Firstly-- thanks ladies for the supportive comments. I think that's why I keep coming back here, you all know how it is, the ups and downs, and it's just nice to be able to vent to someone who understands.
OK, on to yesterday. So I said I was going to fast, skip dinner, etc. And then not eat again until dinner tonight. That would be a 44 hour fast. Well, I'm on hour 34!!! I was good all day (wait, I had one tiny bite of a mint cookie because someone asked me to taste theirs and I couldn't say "no, I refuse to taste your cookie" without looking like I was crazy). Skipped breakfast and lunch (that's super easy at work now, yay), and then at dinner time I got DH and the kids dinner, did some chores and ran out for my holiday party (OH, after pooping, which totally made me happy to get some out, at least the binge was good for something). I told them all we were having pizza at the party (and we were). Then I got there and told everyone I'd just eaten with my family. Well, they had pizza, and bread sticks, and salad, and trail mix on all the tables, and most of the gifts were food, seriously food everywhere! Plus it was a bar, so liquid calories were had by all, all but me! I was going to have some salad, but I realized there was dressing on it, and I don't eat Caesar dressing. The dinner part was hard, and I'm sure people thought I was odd for not eating, but since they'd all heard me say I'd eaten with my family, it was OK. OH, and then someone asked me what I'd had for dinner, and for a second I panicked. Then I said "Oh, we all had Belgian waffles"... well, the kids had waffles. I didn't. DH had leftovers. Oh well, white lie. But that stupid question caught me so off guard, I need to be more prepared for it in the future.
So then I went to visit my friend T for ladies night (the two others were sick, and T and I are closer than anyone else). Had some smokes and some soda. Got home at 11:30, and pooped AGAIN! So now I figure I'm totally empty, I'd pooped 3 times since yesterday's uber-high weigh in. So I stepped on the scale before bed.................... ................. 115.2!!!!! I was thrilled, also, knowing that I'd be less this morning.
So this morning's weight, well, let's just say I had to re-check it 3 times. It was, an all time low since I was about 15 years old, 113 lbs! OMG, 113!!! I'm super excited, and I am just going to eat dinner tonight, so hopefully I won't gain too much from dinner, though I actually do expect to gain a little. But my big thing is that I hit my next goal, and blew way past it!!! HOORAYYYYYY!!!!!!
I know, I have a long way to go, but another goal down is progress in my book :)
OK, on to yesterday. So I said I was going to fast, skip dinner, etc. And then not eat again until dinner tonight. That would be a 44 hour fast. Well, I'm on hour 34!!! I was good all day (wait, I had one tiny bite of a mint cookie because someone asked me to taste theirs and I couldn't say "no, I refuse to taste your cookie" without looking like I was crazy). Skipped breakfast and lunch (that's super easy at work now, yay), and then at dinner time I got DH and the kids dinner, did some chores and ran out for my holiday party (OH, after pooping, which totally made me happy to get some out, at least the binge was good for something). I told them all we were having pizza at the party (and we were). Then I got there and told everyone I'd just eaten with my family. Well, they had pizza, and bread sticks, and salad, and trail mix on all the tables, and most of the gifts were food, seriously food everywhere! Plus it was a bar, so liquid calories were had by all, all but me! I was going to have some salad, but I realized there was dressing on it, and I don't eat Caesar dressing. The dinner part was hard, and I'm sure people thought I was odd for not eating, but since they'd all heard me say I'd eaten with my family, it was OK. OH, and then someone asked me what I'd had for dinner, and for a second I panicked. Then I said "Oh, we all had Belgian waffles"... well, the kids had waffles. I didn't. DH had leftovers. Oh well, white lie. But that stupid question caught me so off guard, I need to be more prepared for it in the future.
So then I went to visit my friend T for ladies night (the two others were sick, and T and I are closer than anyone else). Had some smokes and some soda. Got home at 11:30, and pooped AGAIN! So now I figure I'm totally empty, I'd pooped 3 times since yesterday's uber-high weigh in. So I stepped on the scale before bed.................... ................. 115.2!!!!! I was thrilled, also, knowing that I'd be less this morning.
So this morning's weight, well, let's just say I had to re-check it 3 times. It was, an all time low since I was about 15 years old, 113 lbs! OMG, 113!!! I'm super excited, and I am just going to eat dinner tonight, so hopefully I won't gain too much from dinner, though I actually do expect to gain a little. But my big thing is that I hit my next goal, and blew way past it!!! HOORAYYYYYY!!!!!!
I know, I have a long way to go, but another goal down is progress in my book :)
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Total binge day...
Firstly, thanks for the replies about my poop problem... glad to hear I'm not alone, and yet I wish it weren't a problem... well, I had a small solution yesterday.
So after my depression (which I had no right to be depressed, I don't get it) I had a total binge day. I had a small doughnut for breakfast, then I had a cup of fruit at my meeting, then I had 1/2 a turkey sandwich (I did take off the top slice of bread and the cheese though, yay me) and two bowls of soup (1 white chicken chili, 1 chicken noodle). Then for dinner I had 2 slices of pizza (homemade), about 30 sugared pecans, 4 cookies, and a huge slice of banana bread. And then at bedtime I had about 3 servings of tortilla chips and hummus.
Yup. total heifer day. But you know what? I pooped! Not a lot, but a bit, which is progress, right? So here I am figuring I pooped out at least a LITTLE weight, as I step on the scale this morning. I knew I'd gained from the crazy binges, but I guessed 116.2-- I WISH! I weighed in today at 117.0. I am in total shock, I actually gasped, and then nearly broke into tears. I vowed to do a 44 hour fast (from my hummus and chips last night until dinner on Friday). I can easily not eat at work, and tonight is our work social party, so I'm going to go home first, I'll tell DH I'm going to eat at the party, then when I get there I'll say I ate at home with the fam. I figure 44 hours should get me back down at least around 116.0. I NEED to be below 115.0 by Christmas, that's 9 days. I can do it.
Off to do some work. Stay strong lovelies.
So after my depression (which I had no right to be depressed, I don't get it) I had a total binge day. I had a small doughnut for breakfast, then I had a cup of fruit at my meeting, then I had 1/2 a turkey sandwich (I did take off the top slice of bread and the cheese though, yay me) and two bowls of soup (1 white chicken chili, 1 chicken noodle). Then for dinner I had 2 slices of pizza (homemade), about 30 sugared pecans, 4 cookies, and a huge slice of banana bread. And then at bedtime I had about 3 servings of tortilla chips and hummus.
Yup. total heifer day. But you know what? I pooped! Not a lot, but a bit, which is progress, right? So here I am figuring I pooped out at least a LITTLE weight, as I step on the scale this morning. I knew I'd gained from the crazy binges, but I guessed 116.2-- I WISH! I weighed in today at 117.0. I am in total shock, I actually gasped, and then nearly broke into tears. I vowed to do a 44 hour fast (from my hummus and chips last night until dinner on Friday). I can easily not eat at work, and tonight is our work social party, so I'm going to go home first, I'll tell DH I'm going to eat at the party, then when I get there I'll say I ate at home with the fam. I figure 44 hours should get me back down at least around 116.0. I NEED to be below 115.0 by Christmas, that's 9 days. I can do it.
Off to do some work. Stay strong lovelies.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
I should be thrilled, but...
I don't get it. I've been great. I've been careful about what I eat, staying below 800 calories every day, below 500 most days. I've been just eating dinner when I can.
And my weight is at an all time low-- 115.6 yesterday, 115.4 today. So I know I'm doing well.
And I'm not happy. Not one bit. I thought being at an all time low would make me happy. Maybe it's just because I know I have SOOOO far to go until I am where I want to be. Maybe it's just because I'm totally depressed, not much of anything makes me excited anymore. But I thought at least my weight loss would make me excited.
Oh well. Here's what's been going on. Monday-- I was awesome after the awful weekend. I didn't eat anything until dinner, and then I made burritos, and I ate about half of mine and the rest went to the dog. I told DH I wasn't feeling well from all of the cookies I'd eaten Sunday (I hadn't eaten THAT many, but any excuse is a good one in my book). Tuesday, that was going to be the challenge. It was the holiday feast day at my work, but luckily I had to be in another building for most of the day. So I avoided food in the morning, and when I got to my other meeting I'd happily missed that breakfast. So far so good. Well, then came lunch. I knew it would be odd if I didn't eat, and it was just a taco bar. I skipped the meat, took a tortilla (small, soft, about 160 I'm guessing) and a small serving of rice with beans (probably around 100 cals). Plus I had a ton of lettuce, a little cheese (50) and a ton of salsa. I also grabbed a few chips (probably 100 cals, I estimate high) and skipped dessert. They didn't have any diet soda except coke, which I don't drink, so I drank water. So, meal was around 400ish cals. Got home and had dinner-- leftover night! Oh, but I roasted some asparagus (yummy). So I had a small serving of chicken (150) smothered in salsa and a TON of asparagus! Unfortunately, the asparagus had oil on it, so probably around 250 cals. It was kinda nice being able to eat a ton of food though and not feel too guilty. I am like that with broccoli, I let myself eat as much as I want. I did feel a little guilty, but if I'm going to binge, I'd rather binge on a veggie!
So anyway, I'm feeling good about the weight, but not really excited or anything. 99 is a long ways away, and I've already rethought the 99 thinking 95 is a much prettier number. Eh, we'll see.
Stay strong lovelies!
And my weight is at an all time low-- 115.6 yesterday, 115.4 today. So I know I'm doing well.
And I'm not happy. Not one bit. I thought being at an all time low would make me happy. Maybe it's just because I know I have SOOOO far to go until I am where I want to be. Maybe it's just because I'm totally depressed, not much of anything makes me excited anymore. But I thought at least my weight loss would make me excited.
Oh well. Here's what's been going on. Monday-- I was awesome after the awful weekend. I didn't eat anything until dinner, and then I made burritos, and I ate about half of mine and the rest went to the dog. I told DH I wasn't feeling well from all of the cookies I'd eaten Sunday (I hadn't eaten THAT many, but any excuse is a good one in my book). Tuesday, that was going to be the challenge. It was the holiday feast day at my work, but luckily I had to be in another building for most of the day. So I avoided food in the morning, and when I got to my other meeting I'd happily missed that breakfast. So far so good. Well, then came lunch. I knew it would be odd if I didn't eat, and it was just a taco bar. I skipped the meat, took a tortilla (small, soft, about 160 I'm guessing) and a small serving of rice with beans (probably around 100 cals). Plus I had a ton of lettuce, a little cheese (50) and a ton of salsa. I also grabbed a few chips (probably 100 cals, I estimate high) and skipped dessert. They didn't have any diet soda except coke, which I don't drink, so I drank water. So, meal was around 400ish cals. Got home and had dinner-- leftover night! Oh, but I roasted some asparagus (yummy). So I had a small serving of chicken (150) smothered in salsa and a TON of asparagus! Unfortunately, the asparagus had oil on it, so probably around 250 cals. It was kinda nice being able to eat a ton of food though and not feel too guilty. I am like that with broccoli, I let myself eat as much as I want. I did feel a little guilty, but if I'm going to binge, I'd rather binge on a veggie!
So anyway, I'm feeling good about the weight, but not really excited or anything. 99 is a long ways away, and I've already rethought the 99 thinking 95 is a much prettier number. Eh, we'll see.
Stay strong lovelies!
Monday, December 13, 2010
Poo question (total TMI)
Talk to me about poop... When, IF, how often...
I was down to a point where I would only poo if I'd eaten a large meal and had a cigarette, about once a week (Thursday night ladies night). Well, last Thursday nothing. And nothing since. I had an awful weekend and ate everything in sight, and still no poop.
I'm a little concerned. Should I be? Is this normal? I haven't been restricting like this for very long, so I'm still learning, but if I'm eating I should poop, right?
I've been fasting all day, I'm thinking I might have to do a flush this weekend if nothing comes by then. I can't risk it for tomorrow as I'm in meetings all day Tuesday and Wednesday, then booked solid at work Thurs and Fri. But come Saturday, DH can take the kids and I can spend the weekend in the bathroom if necessary. Plus that's a reason to not eat, play the "not feeling well" card and spend the day on the pooper.
OK, so that's my TMI worry for the day... help? Tips? Thanks ladies for the responses, we have no secrets here!
I was down to a point where I would only poo if I'd eaten a large meal and had a cigarette, about once a week (Thursday night ladies night). Well, last Thursday nothing. And nothing since. I had an awful weekend and ate everything in sight, and still no poop.
I'm a little concerned. Should I be? Is this normal? I haven't been restricting like this for very long, so I'm still learning, but if I'm eating I should poop, right?
I've been fasting all day, I'm thinking I might have to do a flush this weekend if nothing comes by then. I can't risk it for tomorrow as I'm in meetings all day Tuesday and Wednesday, then booked solid at work Thurs and Fri. But come Saturday, DH can take the kids and I can spend the weekend in the bathroom if necessary. Plus that's a reason to not eat, play the "not feeling well" card and spend the day on the pooper.
OK, so that's my TMI worry for the day... help? Tips? Thanks ladies for the responses, we have no secrets here!
Embarrassed...
I can't believe what I allowed myself to do over the weekend. I ate like a fat person. I am so disgusted, I want to fast but I can't skip dinners with my family. I seriously would have to fast for the whole week to make up the damage that I did this weekend.
So the plan was to skip dinner Friday and breakfast Saturday, then just eat lunch and dinner with my parents. Well, Friday night driving out there I was kinda hungry. OK, I was really hungry. And the smell of the food in the car was overwhelming. So I ate 1/2 Wendy's chicken sandwich, 1/2 Wendy's double cheeseburger, 1 chicken nugget, and 6 french fries. Granted, when I was a heifer I would have eaten 3 sandwiches by myself, plus fries, plus a frosty... but still, way more calories than I'd intended, that's for sure.
Saturday-- I started good. I skipped breakfast (well, 1 bite of eggs, and the rest made it to DS2 and DS3 and the dog). Well, the problem is we're potty training DS2. So whenever he uses the potty he gets an M&M. Well, the M&M's are in the trail mix. And before I could stop myself I was eating the trail mix. Handfuls of the damn stuff. Gross. I also ate lunch, nachos, a big serving (normal from my fat days, I guess) and dinner (chili, roll, more nachos, some chicken, some french fries). And more trail mix.... lots more trail mix. Then I drove home and ate tortilla chips with hummus! WTF? Total binge day.
So of course, I swore I'd be good on Sunday. But I needed to bake cookies for holiday gifts. These cookies are awful for you-- TONS of butter and sugar. But I probably ate about 1500 calories in just cookies and dough. Ugh. Plus I ate lunch (leftover nachos and cous cous) and dinner (Stromboli, homemade, but at least I kept my portion small there and didn't go back for seconds). But then again before bed I had more chips and hummus! I don't get it. I know better than this, but the weekends are just so hard for me.
I was too embarrassed to step on the scale this morning. It was 116.8 Sunday morning, but I'm totally scared what it would have been today. It'll take more than this week just to make up for last weekend, but I'm certainly trying. Coffee is my friend :)
Stay strong lovelies, I need to this week!
So the plan was to skip dinner Friday and breakfast Saturday, then just eat lunch and dinner with my parents. Well, Friday night driving out there I was kinda hungry. OK, I was really hungry. And the smell of the food in the car was overwhelming. So I ate 1/2 Wendy's chicken sandwich, 1/2 Wendy's double cheeseburger, 1 chicken nugget, and 6 french fries. Granted, when I was a heifer I would have eaten 3 sandwiches by myself, plus fries, plus a frosty... but still, way more calories than I'd intended, that's for sure.
Saturday-- I started good. I skipped breakfast (well, 1 bite of eggs, and the rest made it to DS2 and DS3 and the dog). Well, the problem is we're potty training DS2. So whenever he uses the potty he gets an M&M. Well, the M&M's are in the trail mix. And before I could stop myself I was eating the trail mix. Handfuls of the damn stuff. Gross. I also ate lunch, nachos, a big serving (normal from my fat days, I guess) and dinner (chili, roll, more nachos, some chicken, some french fries). And more trail mix.... lots more trail mix. Then I drove home and ate tortilla chips with hummus! WTF? Total binge day.
So of course, I swore I'd be good on Sunday. But I needed to bake cookies for holiday gifts. These cookies are awful for you-- TONS of butter and sugar. But I probably ate about 1500 calories in just cookies and dough. Ugh. Plus I ate lunch (leftover nachos and cous cous) and dinner (Stromboli, homemade, but at least I kept my portion small there and didn't go back for seconds). But then again before bed I had more chips and hummus! I don't get it. I know better than this, but the weekends are just so hard for me.
I was too embarrassed to step on the scale this morning. It was 116.8 Sunday morning, but I'm totally scared what it would have been today. It'll take more than this week just to make up for last weekend, but I'm certainly trying. Coffee is my friend :)
Stay strong lovelies, I need to this week!
Friday, December 10, 2010
Water weight?
OK, so yesterday I was thrilled to be at 117.6 after a week of eating semi-normally... and last night was "ladies night" (which I actually don't drink alcohol at anymore, apparently wine doesn't agree with me) and I had some snyders pretzels (the buffalo wing kind, OMG they are awesome), but I just couldn't stop eating them! I probably had about 500 calories, but 0 calories of liquid (I brought a 2-liter of diet 7up) so I figure I would have normally drank that many calories, it's not a total failure. All I'd eaten before that was some nachos and some sweet potatoes, probably around 400-500 cals, so while I'm not super low, I'm still below 1000 and shouldn't have gained.
So this morning I step on the scale and get 116.6... OK, so I'm thrilled, but confused. I totally feel way fatter than before I went to Vegas, and not like .6 lbs fatter, I feel about 5 lbs fatter! WTF? I think I may just be down in the liquid weight and it'll all come back to catch me later. Eh. I'm leaving tonight to go to my mom's, I'll be able to fast all day today and just say I ate in the car on the way over (I'll even have the wrappers, from the kids eating) and I can usually make it without breakfast in the morning, so my next planned eating time is lunch tomorrow. Then I'll be leaving around dinner time, but Mom will probably have me eat before I go... boooooo.... But then it's just me and the kids on Sunday, so fasting day for me :) so I'll eat Lunch and Dinner Saturday, then nothing again until Monday dinner time. Nice :)
Hopefully next week I'll drop down below the dreaded 115 mark. I'd be so thrilled!
Oh, and to those who have been posting-- You warm my heart!
Miana, that was the most positive compliment I think I've ever heard!
Starving Artist, I'm glad I'm not the only one who makes use of the dog! LOL:)
Anafly, I'm glad I'm not the only one afraid of scales... they are really scary sometimes...
Amy, thanks so much for the support, it means worlds to me!
You ladies are what keep me going. Stay strong!
So this morning I step on the scale and get 116.6... OK, so I'm thrilled, but confused. I totally feel way fatter than before I went to Vegas, and not like .6 lbs fatter, I feel about 5 lbs fatter! WTF? I think I may just be down in the liquid weight and it'll all come back to catch me later. Eh. I'm leaving tonight to go to my mom's, I'll be able to fast all day today and just say I ate in the car on the way over (I'll even have the wrappers, from the kids eating) and I can usually make it without breakfast in the morning, so my next planned eating time is lunch tomorrow. Then I'll be leaving around dinner time, but Mom will probably have me eat before I go... boooooo.... But then it's just me and the kids on Sunday, so fasting day for me :) so I'll eat Lunch and Dinner Saturday, then nothing again until Monday dinner time. Nice :)
Hopefully next week I'll drop down below the dreaded 115 mark. I'd be so thrilled!
Oh, and to those who have been posting-- You warm my heart!
Miana, that was the most positive compliment I think I've ever heard!
Starving Artist, I'm glad I'm not the only one who makes use of the dog! LOL:)
Anafly, I'm glad I'm not the only one afraid of scales... they are really scary sometimes...
Amy, thanks so much for the support, it means worlds to me!
You ladies are what keep me going. Stay strong!
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Got up the courage...
To step on the scale. I was not surprised I'd gained, but I will truly say I was surprised by how little I've gained.
The weight was... drum roll please... 117.6 . Now, this is after a week in Las Vegas, during which time I was drinking like a fish in the evenings but eating fairly healthy, salads, seafood, when I could. However, by the end I did have a buffet (and I went all in) and then another two days of endless food at a different conference. I was actually eating three meals a day so I knew I would gain.
I was at 116.0 before I went. Now I'm at 117.6, so it's not too bad. However, I know I fluxuate a lot, so I don't know if that 117.6 is a low number or a high number, tomorrow will tell.
I did great yesterday, first day back on the wagon. I had nothing for breakfast or lunch (well, coffee), and a fairly small serving of nachos and cous cous for dinner. And a cup of tea later. And that was it. So far today I've had coffee. I'm not sure what dinner will be, but it will be a small serving. Plus tomorrow DH is leaving for work and I'm going to visit my mom with the boys. Then Saturday night I'll come back, and have a day of nobody watching at all on Sunday. Plus I'm bringing the dog back with me, and having a dog makes skipping meals WORLDS easier! I grab food like I'm going to eat it, slip it to the dog, and I'm done. It's fantastic! And we have her until Christmas. I'm hoping to be down to about 115 before Christmas day, but honestly I'd LOVE LOVE LOVE to see something closer to 112.
I'm going to be chaperoning a field trip sometime in January, and I want to be so skinny by then that it's noticed. I've been having daydreams about the instructor (who I have a semi-crush on, even tho we're both married)... there are lots of details there that I just don't want to get into right now, but maybe someday I'll share all of that. It's totally off topic, but let's just say I have some pretty interesting daydreams LOL :)
Anyway, so starting point right now is 117.6, goal is below 115 by Christmas. I have a little over 2 weeks-- that's totally doable!
Stay strong lovelies!
The weight was... drum roll please... 117.6 . Now, this is after a week in Las Vegas, during which time I was drinking like a fish in the evenings but eating fairly healthy, salads, seafood, when I could. However, by the end I did have a buffet (and I went all in) and then another two days of endless food at a different conference. I was actually eating three meals a day so I knew I would gain.
I was at 116.0 before I went. Now I'm at 117.6, so it's not too bad. However, I know I fluxuate a lot, so I don't know if that 117.6 is a low number or a high number, tomorrow will tell.
I did great yesterday, first day back on the wagon. I had nothing for breakfast or lunch (well, coffee), and a fairly small serving of nachos and cous cous for dinner. And a cup of tea later. And that was it. So far today I've had coffee. I'm not sure what dinner will be, but it will be a small serving. Plus tomorrow DH is leaving for work and I'm going to visit my mom with the boys. Then Saturday night I'll come back, and have a day of nobody watching at all on Sunday. Plus I'm bringing the dog back with me, and having a dog makes skipping meals WORLDS easier! I grab food like I'm going to eat it, slip it to the dog, and I'm done. It's fantastic! And we have her until Christmas. I'm hoping to be down to about 115 before Christmas day, but honestly I'd LOVE LOVE LOVE to see something closer to 112.
I'm going to be chaperoning a field trip sometime in January, and I want to be so skinny by then that it's noticed. I've been having daydreams about the instructor (who I have a semi-crush on, even tho we're both married)... there are lots of details there that I just don't want to get into right now, but maybe someday I'll share all of that. It's totally off topic, but let's just say I have some pretty interesting daydreams LOL :)
Anyway, so starting point right now is 117.6, goal is below 115 by Christmas. I have a little over 2 weeks-- that's totally doable!
Stay strong lovelies!
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Back, and scared to step on the scale...
So normally I'm a chronic weigher... I step on the scale every day, multiple times a day. And right now I'm just too scared to do it.
I was in Las Vegas for 5 days, then 1 day at home, then 2 days in Lansing at another conference. Needless to say, the food and alcohol was free flowing. I started out good, I really did. But by the end of the trip I was eating mass quantities of food in a single sitting and chasing it with a beer. :(
I know I can get back to the right mindset, back to where I belong. I'm happy to be back home, back to work, and back to my blog. I need you ladies to help me. But right now I'm too scared to step on the scale. I was 116 when I left, and I'd guess I'm back up above 120 now. I just can't bear to face that. I'm going to hold off on stepping back on the scale until I feel comfortable with myself-- well, at least until I'm so curious I'm going to die if I have to wait any longer LOL!
Today is good. Coffee. Yup, and I'm hungry, which tells me I have been eating way too much because normally I wouldn't be hungry now at all. But, if I'm hungry, then I'm losing weight. I'm going back to my "only dinner" plan, and it'll be a small dinner. I finished off the ice cream in my house last night so I won't be tempted any more, plus I knew I was going back on the wagon today. And I am.
When I get the courage to weigh in again, I'll let all you ladies know. Until then, stay strong and think thin :)
I was in Las Vegas for 5 days, then 1 day at home, then 2 days in Lansing at another conference. Needless to say, the food and alcohol was free flowing. I started out good, I really did. But by the end of the trip I was eating mass quantities of food in a single sitting and chasing it with a beer. :(
I know I can get back to the right mindset, back to where I belong. I'm happy to be back home, back to work, and back to my blog. I need you ladies to help me. But right now I'm too scared to step on the scale. I was 116 when I left, and I'd guess I'm back up above 120 now. I just can't bear to face that. I'm going to hold off on stepping back on the scale until I feel comfortable with myself-- well, at least until I'm so curious I'm going to die if I have to wait any longer LOL!
Today is good. Coffee. Yup, and I'm hungry, which tells me I have been eating way too much because normally I wouldn't be hungry now at all. But, if I'm hungry, then I'm losing weight. I'm going back to my "only dinner" plan, and it'll be a small dinner. I finished off the ice cream in my house last night so I won't be tempted any more, plus I knew I was going back on the wagon today. And I am.
When I get the courage to weigh in again, I'll let all you ladies know. Until then, stay strong and think thin :)
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
sitting in the airport...
ok, so posts from my phone usually suck and are short, so forgive me.
I was disgusting last night... I figured I could use the extra calories to get over my strep throat (confirmed by the dr yesterday) so I ate a small bowl of ice cream... in addition to 1/2 of a can of soup (120), 1 chicken nugget (50) and 5 cheese chunks. Overall I was still around 800-900 cals for the day, but that's lots more than I had been eating. Oh well-- it didn't matter. The scale this morning said 116! Now I won't be able to weig again until I get home, and really I expect it to go back up... but then I can start again.
I will get my weight down to 100 lbs... I can do it! Stay strong lovelies!
I was disgusting last night... I figured I could use the extra calories to get over my strep throat (confirmed by the dr yesterday) so I ate a small bowl of ice cream... in addition to 1/2 of a can of soup (120), 1 chicken nugget (50) and 5 cheese chunks. Overall I was still around 800-900 cals for the day, but that's lots more than I had been eating. Oh well-- it didn't matter. The scale this morning said 116! Now I won't be able to weig again until I get home, and really I expect it to go back up... but then I can start again.
I will get my weight down to 100 lbs... I can do it! Stay strong lovelies!
Monday, November 29, 2010
Getting ready for my trip...
By loading my kindle with some great reading!!! I just bought "The Mirror Lied" and "Wasted"... I hope these keep me on track while I'm surrounded by loads of food! I might be on here lots looking for support the next few days, Vegas is a town filled with food. I'm excited though, I'm on a school budget and the food is expensive! I'll have to go with small portions of awesome food (totally worth it IMO). I can't wait to have some good Sushi, there just isn't any in Michigan!
So ladies, any other books I need to get? I've been trying to get "second star to the right" and "the best little girl in the world", but neither of those is available on the Kindle, and I just can't be caught with those books at home, right? What are you all reading right now? Does anyone want to read either of the two books I just downloaded with me? I really enjoyed "wintergirls" and it made me really glad that I'm not mia, just ana... I've never been able to purge, and reading about someone else who's just like me was kinda refreshing.
Anyway, this might be my last post for a while, or I might be posting like every day for the next couple... we'll see. I'm off to the Dr to get some meds for my strep throat. Do those meds make you hungry? I hope not.
So far today I've eaten more than I have in the last 2 days... I feel like I need the calories to get better. I've had 2 small rolls and 2 small muffins. Probably a total of around 400 calories. Ugh, but I know I need it. Plus a cup of coffee, a cup of green tea, and some water.
More later lovelies. Stay strong!
So ladies, any other books I need to get? I've been trying to get "second star to the right" and "the best little girl in the world", but neither of those is available on the Kindle, and I just can't be caught with those books at home, right? What are you all reading right now? Does anyone want to read either of the two books I just downloaded with me? I really enjoyed "wintergirls" and it made me really glad that I'm not mia, just ana... I've never been able to purge, and reading about someone else who's just like me was kinda refreshing.
Anyway, this might be my last post for a while, or I might be posting like every day for the next couple... we'll see. I'm off to the Dr to get some meds for my strep throat. Do those meds make you hungry? I hope not.
So far today I've eaten more than I have in the last 2 days... I feel like I need the calories to get better. I've had 2 small rolls and 2 small muffins. Probably a total of around 400 calories. Ugh, but I know I need it. Plus a cup of coffee, a cup of green tea, and some water.
More later lovelies. Stay strong!
Sick, but I feel light!
So I was actually really good~! I kept the food intake to a minimum this weekend, helped along by my parents bringing their dog to visit LOL. As of this morning I hit an all time low-- 116.4 !!! Of course, I am totally dehydrated because I have strep throat and it hurts to swallow. But then again, I'm also full of poop since I haven't pooped since last Wednesday, so maybe they even out?
So I know I'm not going to make my goal of 115 before I leave for Las Vegas tomorrow, but you know what? This week has shown me that I CAN lose this weight. I CAN get to my goal weight. It might take a little longer than I'd hoped, but I CAN do it! What a fantastic feeling, knowing that I'm strong enough! I don't know if I'll gain or lose in Vegas, I guess time will tell. But I know that I will be right back on track afterward, and I will get down to 110, then 105, then 100! Hopefully I'll be around 100 by next summer and I'll look fantastic in my swimsuit :)
Keep the hope alive ladies! Stay strong!
Happiness and Starving Artist-- Thanks for the tips on the salt water flush... I didn't end up doing it, but I know that I'm going to try it sometime soon. I really just want to do a full body flush. My mom just had a colonoscopy, and they basically do a salt water flush before that! She was describing it and I had to laugh because it's exactly what you girls are describing! So if a dr prescribes it, it can't be all bad, right???
So I know I'm not going to make my goal of 115 before I leave for Las Vegas tomorrow, but you know what? This week has shown me that I CAN lose this weight. I CAN get to my goal weight. It might take a little longer than I'd hoped, but I CAN do it! What a fantastic feeling, knowing that I'm strong enough! I don't know if I'll gain or lose in Vegas, I guess time will tell. But I know that I will be right back on track afterward, and I will get down to 110, then 105, then 100! Hopefully I'll be around 100 by next summer and I'll look fantastic in my swimsuit :)
Keep the hope alive ladies! Stay strong!
Happiness and Starving Artist-- Thanks for the tips on the salt water flush... I didn't end up doing it, but I know that I'm going to try it sometime soon. I really just want to do a full body flush. My mom just had a colonoscopy, and they basically do a salt water flush before that! She was describing it and I had to laugh because it's exactly what you girls are describing! So if a dr prescribes it, it can't be all bad, right???
Friday, November 26, 2010
doing well considering...
Its the holidays... typing from my phone, just wanted to check in. I just finished reading "wintergirls".... it was good, but I liked "second star to the right" better. Too bad I can't get that on my kindle-- I can't get caught with a book like that but I can easily get away with reading it on my phone. I will update on Monday. Stay strong lovelies!
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
help with a salt water flush...
Thanksgiving food is going to kill me! Who can help me do a salt water flush? I don't/won't/can't purge, plus the whole family will be at my house, so a flush is the only way to get it out as quickly as possible... But I've never done one and wouldn't know where to start (well, salt and water, but in what quantities?)...
Plus, how long after drinking the stuff does it take effect? I kinda want it to be working at night so it's less noticeable, and NOT while I'm out trying to do my Black Friday shopping, know what I mean? Nobody wants to make poop stops at every store!
Am I royally screwed here? HELP!
Plus, how long after drinking the stuff does it take effect? I kinda want it to be working at night so it's less noticeable, and NOT while I'm out trying to do my Black Friday shopping, know what I mean? Nobody wants to make poop stops at every store!
Am I royally screwed here? HELP!
Issues, frustrations, and lack of dedication...
It's so hard to stay motivated when people around you comment on how tiny and cute you are...
But I want to be tinier (is that a word?) and cuter (yeah, I'm not cute, but thanks though-- condescending much?)
So anyway, I had a total binge fest last night. I ate stir fry with rice for dinner (small serving) then 1/2 a ham and cheese sandwich, then a small bit of chicken quesadilla, then a peanut butter cup cookie, then a serving of mint moose trax ice cream with chocolate syrup and peanuts on top. I'm embarassed to say that I'm not done. When I got over to ladies night, I had 12 oz of hot cider (should have done tea) and about 4 servings of Snyder's sourdough pretzels with some of that fake velveeta style easy cheese.
Needless to say, up this morning. 119.2
Then got to work this morning and was genuinely hungry. I decided since tomorrow is Thanksgiving, I'd just eat like a normal person. So I had some vanilla wafers and a piece of banana nut bread for breakfast. Then I had my plate piled high for lunch (small plate, at least) with taco dip and chips, turkey, mashed potatoes, macaroni, rolls, butter, cranberries, all of that stuff. I took it back to my office and began to eat. I ate. and ate. and ate. Then I realized I didn't NEED to eat, and in that one moment of control I threw the rest of the plate (about 1/2 full) in the trash. I could easily have finished it, so that's a small success. Then I immediately got out my kindle-- I just bought Wintergirls yesterday, so I thought I'd start reading. Just the reminder of what I COULD do and what I WILL do was all I needed. Tomorrow will be a challenge, and I'm sure I will eat more than I wish, but that's just one day, I can take care of myself the rest of the time. I am in control. I will get there. I will drop below 100 lbs. I don't have a date in mind, but it will happen.
I hate our country and all the stupid fat people who focus on food ALL THE TIME. I feel like I'm betraying those who died for my freedom.
Stay strong ladies, in these challenging times. Be better than I was, you can do it!
But I want to be tinier (is that a word?) and cuter (yeah, I'm not cute, but thanks though-- condescending much?)
So anyway, I had a total binge fest last night. I ate stir fry with rice for dinner (small serving) then 1/2 a ham and cheese sandwich, then a small bit of chicken quesadilla, then a peanut butter cup cookie, then a serving of mint moose trax ice cream with chocolate syrup and peanuts on top. I'm embarassed to say that I'm not done. When I got over to ladies night, I had 12 oz of hot cider (should have done tea) and about 4 servings of Snyder's sourdough pretzels with some of that fake velveeta style easy cheese.
Needless to say, up this morning. 119.2
Then got to work this morning and was genuinely hungry. I decided since tomorrow is Thanksgiving, I'd just eat like a normal person. So I had some vanilla wafers and a piece of banana nut bread for breakfast. Then I had my plate piled high for lunch (small plate, at least) with taco dip and chips, turkey, mashed potatoes, macaroni, rolls, butter, cranberries, all of that stuff. I took it back to my office and began to eat. I ate. and ate. and ate. Then I realized I didn't NEED to eat, and in that one moment of control I threw the rest of the plate (about 1/2 full) in the trash. I could easily have finished it, so that's a small success. Then I immediately got out my kindle-- I just bought Wintergirls yesterday, so I thought I'd start reading. Just the reminder of what I COULD do and what I WILL do was all I needed. Tomorrow will be a challenge, and I'm sure I will eat more than I wish, but that's just one day, I can take care of myself the rest of the time. I am in control. I will get there. I will drop below 100 lbs. I don't have a date in mind, but it will happen.
I hate our country and all the stupid fat people who focus on food ALL THE TIME. I feel like I'm betraying those who died for my freedom.
Stay strong ladies, in these challenging times. Be better than I was, you can do it!
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Partial success?
I can't really call it a failure, but it wasn't a success either...
I just came back from our "Pig-out day" festivities. Here's what happened.
I had to leave quickly at the beginning of the lunch. I came back and quietly hid under my desk in my office (nobody had seen me, they were all eating) and read for about 20 minutes. Then I got a call that I had to answer. So after the call, I decided to go show my face (great timing, too... because I passed someone who was coming back to my office on the way, and it would have looked really weird if I were sitting under a desk when she got there). I said hi to the retirees, and got a plate. I put a small amount of turkey (about 3 oz) on, then a LARGE amount of salad (lettuce, bacon bits, shredded cheese) with some low cal italian dressing, then a small amount of spinach dip with bread, 1 hors d'ourves, a bunch of raw broccoli and some cherry tomatoes. Then I sat down. I at all of the salad, about 1/2 of the turkey, 1 bite of the bread, about 1 tsp of spinach dip (some on bread, some on broccoli) and the tomatoes. I didn't eat the hors d'ourve (it was gross, I took a tiny taste) and skipped the droolworthy dessert table entirely.
All in all-- probably about 300 calories, maybe 400. And with all that salad, I'm actually pretty full. PLUS my co-workers saw me get a full plate and eat most of it (because it was mostly salad, but they don't need to know that and I doubt anyone was paying that close of attention).
I'm calling it a partial success. It could have been worse, but I wish I'd been able to skip it all together.
But now, I'm going to try to use the excuse that I had a massive lunch to allow me to skip dinner! Plus tonight is drinking with the girls night, so I'm sure we'll have some kind of snack. BOOOO.
EDIT 2 hours later-- I just went down to fill my water cup (of course in the lounge, where all the leftovers were moved to) and couldn't stop myself. I had a pumpkin cupcake with cream cheese frosting and a small piece of a nut bread. Ugh. And I'd been doing so well. I guess we'll see what this does to the scale for tomorrow, hopefully it won't have too much of an effect.
I just came back from our "Pig-out day" festivities. Here's what happened.
I had to leave quickly at the beginning of the lunch. I came back and quietly hid under my desk in my office (nobody had seen me, they were all eating) and read for about 20 minutes. Then I got a call that I had to answer. So after the call, I decided to go show my face (great timing, too... because I passed someone who was coming back to my office on the way, and it would have looked really weird if I were sitting under a desk when she got there). I said hi to the retirees, and got a plate. I put a small amount of turkey (about 3 oz) on, then a LARGE amount of salad (lettuce, bacon bits, shredded cheese) with some low cal italian dressing, then a small amount of spinach dip with bread, 1 hors d'ourves, a bunch of raw broccoli and some cherry tomatoes. Then I sat down. I at all of the salad, about 1/2 of the turkey, 1 bite of the bread, about 1 tsp of spinach dip (some on bread, some on broccoli) and the tomatoes. I didn't eat the hors d'ourve (it was gross, I took a tiny taste) and skipped the droolworthy dessert table entirely.
All in all-- probably about 300 calories, maybe 400. And with all that salad, I'm actually pretty full. PLUS my co-workers saw me get a full plate and eat most of it (because it was mostly salad, but they don't need to know that and I doubt anyone was paying that close of attention).
I'm calling it a partial success. It could have been worse, but I wish I'd been able to skip it all together.
But now, I'm going to try to use the excuse that I had a massive lunch to allow me to skip dinner! Plus tonight is drinking with the girls night, so I'm sure we'll have some kind of snack. BOOOO.
EDIT 2 hours later-- I just went down to fill my water cup (of course in the lounge, where all the leftovers were moved to) and couldn't stop myself. I had a pumpkin cupcake with cream cheese frosting and a small piece of a nut bread. Ugh. And I'd been doing so well. I guess we'll see what this does to the scale for tomorrow, hopefully it won't have too much of an effect.
Somebody talk me down...
Ugh. Holidays in a school... there is food EVERYWHERE!!! There is so much food here that they even call today "Pig-Out Day"... And somehow that's OK???
The smell of food is everywhere. I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to not only be good, but how I'm going to not make it look like there's something wrong with me. I took my "dish to pass" (meatballs in a crock pot, something I'm pretty sure I'll have no personal interest in eating even if I end up taking them home) down to the main office so I wouldn't have to smell it all morning. Unfortunately, that's also where the coffee is, and I do need my coffee refills occasionally.
So I do have an excuse to run out at lunch, which I'm going to use, but I think I'm going to delay my return a bit beyond what is reasonable, just to stay away. It's too bad, because our retirees from last year will be stopping by for lunch, and I'm probably not going to get to see them at all, and I really like them. But really, why do all gatherings here in the US revolve around food??? It's no wonder everyone here is fat!
So last night was good. Actually, all day yesterday was good. I went the whole day with just coffee and gum, and then I had a small portion of chicken quesadillas for dinner. I think I ate 1/2 of a burrito size tortilla, 1/4 cup cheese, about 8 black beans, 1/4 cup of salsa, and about 1 oz of chicken. Oh, and 1/2 tsp of sour cream. So what's that in calories? I'm a chronic round-upper, so I round that to 500. But that's all day! After that I just had a cup of tea!
The scale was kind this morning-- 118.0... but I've been here before only to have it go back up to 123, so I just have to keep myself in control. With today at work and Thanksgiving on Thursday, that will be difficult. Also, my goal was to get to 115 for Vegas (that's 1 week from today) so I doubt I'll get there now. BUT I was planning to pig out royally while I'm there, and suddenly I'm planning how I can skip meals or eat smaller portions. I'm going to order the expensive things on the menu that usually come in tiny portions (seafood, sushi) but taste delicious! I'm going to skip the hotel buffet breakfast. If anyone else has any ideas, please let me know! This past weekend was the first weekend I really tried to restrict in front of people who might notice, and it was all about the challenge of getting away with it, which I did well!
OK, sorry for the book. Stay strong lovelies!!!
The smell of food is everywhere. I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to not only be good, but how I'm going to not make it look like there's something wrong with me. I took my "dish to pass" (meatballs in a crock pot, something I'm pretty sure I'll have no personal interest in eating even if I end up taking them home) down to the main office so I wouldn't have to smell it all morning. Unfortunately, that's also where the coffee is, and I do need my coffee refills occasionally.
So I do have an excuse to run out at lunch, which I'm going to use, but I think I'm going to delay my return a bit beyond what is reasonable, just to stay away. It's too bad, because our retirees from last year will be stopping by for lunch, and I'm probably not going to get to see them at all, and I really like them. But really, why do all gatherings here in the US revolve around food??? It's no wonder everyone here is fat!
So last night was good. Actually, all day yesterday was good. I went the whole day with just coffee and gum, and then I had a small portion of chicken quesadillas for dinner. I think I ate 1/2 of a burrito size tortilla, 1/4 cup cheese, about 8 black beans, 1/4 cup of salsa, and about 1 oz of chicken. Oh, and 1/2 tsp of sour cream. So what's that in calories? I'm a chronic round-upper, so I round that to 500. But that's all day! After that I just had a cup of tea!
The scale was kind this morning-- 118.0... but I've been here before only to have it go back up to 123, so I just have to keep myself in control. With today at work and Thanksgiving on Thursday, that will be difficult. Also, my goal was to get to 115 for Vegas (that's 1 week from today) so I doubt I'll get there now. BUT I was planning to pig out royally while I'm there, and suddenly I'm planning how I can skip meals or eat smaller portions. I'm going to order the expensive things on the menu that usually come in tiny portions (seafood, sushi) but taste delicious! I'm going to skip the hotel buffet breakfast. If anyone else has any ideas, please let me know! This past weekend was the first weekend I really tried to restrict in front of people who might notice, and it was all about the challenge of getting away with it, which I did well!
OK, sorry for the book. Stay strong lovelies!!!
Monday, November 22, 2010
Out of the closet, so to speak...
So I've been following a ton of blogs (I'm at 38 right now, actually). But keeping things secret, I've been doing it anonymously. Well, after what I read and what others read on my site, I've decided to go public. I've changed all of my subscriptions to public, so if I just appeared as a follower on your blog, I've probably actually been following you for a while! Lol, I guess I just figured it was time. I don't want to keep secrets from you ladies (and gents, if there are any guys following me) since you are not keeping secrets from me.
Thank you all for opening your lives to me, and for opening your heart to my life. Words can't express the comfort I feel when I'm on here, like we're all in this together, no matter our age or location or weight.
Stay strong lovelies!
Thank you all for opening your lives to me, and for opening your heart to my life. Words can't express the comfort I feel when I'm on here, like we're all in this together, no matter our age or location or weight.
Stay strong lovelies!
Wonderful weekend!!!
And what have I learned? Firstly, stores do not stock clothing for adults who are below a size 8 in any regular fashion... it's really hard to find pants that fit outside the juniors section, and flat out impossible to find shirts that fit!
OK, so what happened this weekend... DH and the kids and I went to visit my mom and dad. I needed to go to the ski swap, since I am now far too small to wear my old snowboarding pants. The would quite literally fall off me! Which is good-- I was like 4 months pregnant when I bought the darn things, they should fall off me... Anyway, food... Friday was horrid. I ate breakfast from Burger King (which tasted really good but I'm actually frightened to look up how many calories were in it). Then skipped lunch. Then dinner was on the road-- Wendys, which I love, but I ate like a total heffer. I ate a whole double stack (double cheeseburger) plus a 5 piece chicken nugget plus a chicken sandwich. Ugh, I was thoroughly disgusted with that binge, but I came back on Saturday!!! Saturday I got up first with the kids so I was able to play the "I already ate" card... Then DH took a nap while they did, and instead of eating, I ran!!! Then after my run I fussed in the kitchen for a bit but never ate, then took a shower. When he got up I made it like I'd eaten while he slept. Then dinner was a smallish serving of pasta that I shared with L, so really probably only about 400 calories. And nothing more!
Sunday, well, I was able to skip breakfast, but I was kinda forced to eat lunch. I even left in the middle of the meal hoping to be able to toss the rest, but my mom was watching so I had to eat it. It was a small sub sandwich, probably only around 500 cals, mostly in the bun and cheese. And then I had to eat dinner with the family when we got home, so I had chicken and stuffing. I ate as small of a serving as I could get away with. DH had about 4 times as much food as me, so at least I feel better about that!
Weight this morning: 119.4 :) For a Monday, after a weekend with my parents, that's pretty darn good!
Today's plan- eat nothing until dinner, which will be shake n bake chicken and some biscuits and some veggies. Hopefully I can keep this up... one week from tomorrow I go to VEGAS!!!
OK, so what happened this weekend... DH and the kids and I went to visit my mom and dad. I needed to go to the ski swap, since I am now far too small to wear my old snowboarding pants. The would quite literally fall off me! Which is good-- I was like 4 months pregnant when I bought the darn things, they should fall off me... Anyway, food... Friday was horrid. I ate breakfast from Burger King (which tasted really good but I'm actually frightened to look up how many calories were in it). Then skipped lunch. Then dinner was on the road-- Wendys, which I love, but I ate like a total heffer. I ate a whole double stack (double cheeseburger) plus a 5 piece chicken nugget plus a chicken sandwich. Ugh, I was thoroughly disgusted with that binge, but I came back on Saturday!!! Saturday I got up first with the kids so I was able to play the "I already ate" card... Then DH took a nap while they did, and instead of eating, I ran!!! Then after my run I fussed in the kitchen for a bit but never ate, then took a shower. When he got up I made it like I'd eaten while he slept. Then dinner was a smallish serving of pasta that I shared with L, so really probably only about 400 calories. And nothing more!
Sunday, well, I was able to skip breakfast, but I was kinda forced to eat lunch. I even left in the middle of the meal hoping to be able to toss the rest, but my mom was watching so I had to eat it. It was a small sub sandwich, probably only around 500 cals, mostly in the bun and cheese. And then I had to eat dinner with the family when we got home, so I had chicken and stuffing. I ate as small of a serving as I could get away with. DH had about 4 times as much food as me, so at least I feel better about that!
Weight this morning: 119.4 :) For a Monday, after a weekend with my parents, that's pretty darn good!
Today's plan- eat nothing until dinner, which will be shake n bake chicken and some biscuits and some veggies. Hopefully I can keep this up... one week from tomorrow I go to VEGAS!!!
Friday, November 19, 2010
Success is mine! It's the little things LOL
OK, so a couple of people brought me the most beautiful pancake this morning to eat... I graciously accepted, and went to work. I'm not kidding, this thing was about two inches thick, perfectly cooked, with chocolate chips! It looked awesome. What did I do? Well, first after they left I thought "well, I'll just take a bite, so I can tell them how good it was" Then I thought "no, I can eat one pancake"... Then I thought "No, I'm going to say it's good no matter what-- I don't need to eat it, right?"...
So anyway, there it sat, beside me while I was working on some paperwork. And it smelled awesome. I picked it up, intent on taking one bite, and then getting rid of it. The smell was overpowering. Then I reminded myself that the smell is the strongest part, and the taste would never be as good. So I shredded the thing-- I pulled it apart into teeny tiny pieces in my hands. And I threw it in the trash. I got chocolate chips all over my hands, and didn't even lick them. I went to the bathroom to wash them off.
So for today, I'm 1 and 1. I lost to breakfast, but I won against the evil pancake. Oh, and I'm skipping lunch, using it to blog, so that makes me 2 and 1! I'm in the lead! Take that FAT!!!
LOL, yup, I'm crazy. But I'm winning!
UGH. It's a couple hours later, and I just was in a meeting where I was quite literally forced to eat a cookie. DAMNIT!!! It's a long story, a bit involved, but what it boils down to is that my boss would have thought I was either crazy or just downright mean if I didn't eat the damn thing.
GRRR, going to have to make up for that somehow. I just keep telling myself "it's just one cookie, it's just one cookie"... yeah, about 150 calories :( I feel broken.
So anyway, there it sat, beside me while I was working on some paperwork. And it smelled awesome. I picked it up, intent on taking one bite, and then getting rid of it. The smell was overpowering. Then I reminded myself that the smell is the strongest part, and the taste would never be as good. So I shredded the thing-- I pulled it apart into teeny tiny pieces in my hands. And I threw it in the trash. I got chocolate chips all over my hands, and didn't even lick them. I went to the bathroom to wash them off.
So for today, I'm 1 and 1. I lost to breakfast, but I won against the evil pancake. Oh, and I'm skipping lunch, using it to blog, so that makes me 2 and 1! I'm in the lead! Take that FAT!!!
LOL, yup, I'm crazy. But I'm winning!
UGH. It's a couple hours later, and I just was in a meeting where I was quite literally forced to eat a cookie. DAMNIT!!! It's a long story, a bit involved, but what it boils down to is that my boss would have thought I was either crazy or just downright mean if I didn't eat the damn thing.
GRRR, going to have to make up for that somehow. I just keep telling myself "it's just one cookie, it's just one cookie"... yeah, about 150 calories :( I feel broken.
Girls night on Thursdays...
And I didn't drink... Well, I had 1 beer... And for once I didn't puke my guts out when I got home!!! What have we learned? B (that's me) cannot drink wine, but beer is good LOL. And it's not the smokes, so that's good. I was actually concerned that it was, and since the only time I do smoke is on ladies night (so about once every 1-2 weeks) it is totally possible!
So anyway... was I good last night... No, not entirely good. I ate:
Chicken stir fry with rice (probably around 600 calories, it was really mostly veggies but the sauce and rice add up quick)
16 oz beer (200 cal, I estimate high)
snyders pretzels, buffalo flavor (probably 300 cals, embarrassing, but delicious!)
Bean dip with tortilla chips (200, I didn't have much at all really)
Well, I am not proud. But I do look at it as my one night of splurge. And I was still down in weight this morning (dehydration maybe?) to 120.4-- wait, no, I"m down because the smoking makes me poop, so I pooped a ton yesterday and now I'm empty! Wow, the "smoking flush" totally works LOL.
I did not get up and exercise this morning, but I can run on the treadmill later. I'll be staying with my mom this weekend, so no posts probably... but I'm going to the ski swap tomorrow to buy new snowboarding pants, because my old ones are way way too big!!! YAY for that!
Oh, and I was awful this morning, as is becoming my Friday habit I stopped and got fast food for breakfast. Had a Burger King breakfast bowl-- and was shocked at how good that stupid thing was. Ugh, but I don't even want to look at the calorie content. Good thing I'm planning to run tonight and to not eat anything else until dinner with DH.
Stay strong lovelies.
So anyway... was I good last night... No, not entirely good. I ate:
Chicken stir fry with rice (probably around 600 calories, it was really mostly veggies but the sauce and rice add up quick)
16 oz beer (200 cal, I estimate high)
snyders pretzels, buffalo flavor (probably 300 cals, embarrassing, but delicious!)
Bean dip with tortilla chips (200, I didn't have much at all really)
Well, I am not proud. But I do look at it as my one night of splurge. And I was still down in weight this morning (dehydration maybe?) to 120.4-- wait, no, I"m down because the smoking makes me poop, so I pooped a ton yesterday and now I'm empty! Wow, the "smoking flush" totally works LOL.
I did not get up and exercise this morning, but I can run on the treadmill later. I'll be staying with my mom this weekend, so no posts probably... but I'm going to the ski swap tomorrow to buy new snowboarding pants, because my old ones are way way too big!!! YAY for that!
Oh, and I was awful this morning, as is becoming my Friday habit I stopped and got fast food for breakfast. Had a Burger King breakfast bowl-- and was shocked at how good that stupid thing was. Ugh, but I don't even want to look at the calorie content. Good thing I'm planning to run tonight and to not eat anything else until dinner with DH.
Stay strong lovelies.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Thanks for the comments!
I just realized I have comments!!! Wow, people are reading what I write???
Almost.skinny, S, and Starving Artist-- Thanks for the tips! It does work out to munch on something healthy in front of the kids, then they see Mom eating that stuff and want to eat it anyway! And really, almost.skinny, no reason to worry-- my BMI is still WELL ABOVE anything that is concerning (yeah, I feel pretty darn obese too when I see that number) but thanks for worrying. Weirdly, it's very nice to have someone worry about me, even though I certainly don't deserve anyone to even consider me for a moment.
I just wanted you to know how much it means to have people actually read my crazy ranting, and even more that you care. I don't deserve it, and I never will. Maybe if I can have a single good week I'll feel like I've earned some consideration, but it hasn't happened yet.
Stay strong!
Almost.skinny, S, and Starving Artist-- Thanks for the tips! It does work out to munch on something healthy in front of the kids, then they see Mom eating that stuff and want to eat it anyway! And really, almost.skinny, no reason to worry-- my BMI is still WELL ABOVE anything that is concerning (yeah, I feel pretty darn obese too when I see that number) but thanks for worrying. Weirdly, it's very nice to have someone worry about me, even though I certainly don't deserve anyone to even consider me for a moment.
I just wanted you to know how much it means to have people actually read my crazy ranting, and even more that you care. I don't deserve it, and I never will. Maybe if I can have a single good week I'll feel like I've earned some consideration, but it hasn't happened yet.
Stay strong!
Trying something new...
So I did manage to skip dinner... well, I had 3 slices of ham. The problem was that later I was hungry and had a FREAKING HUGE BOWL OF ICE CREAM!!! Ugh. I am such a loser. This morning the scale showed my stupidity, back up to 121.8. But, I did get up and work out this morning too.
I think I have realized that if I can work out and gain muscle, but still stay the same weight, then when I start trying harder to lose the weight by restricting more, it should come off easier because I have a higher metabolism because I have more muscle, right??? Yeah, that's me convincing myself that it is OK to eat. And that was my thought process this morning, when I ate oatmeal (160 cal) grapes (100 cal, estimate) and a stupid piece of danish at my meeting (probably around 250 cal).
And then I got ahold of myself and realized I was being stupid.
So yesterday I was poking around on other blogs and found one comment somewhere that someone had NME (must not eat, but out of order so people couldn't guess) written on their wrist. So I did it. And now every time I feel the urge to eat the pretzels in my desk, or the lunch I brought and didn't eat, I look down and remember that I'm being stupid. To whoever wrote that, I'm sorry I don't remember your name, THANK YOU!
Stay strong, stronger than me. You are all better than I am, just remember that.
I think I have realized that if I can work out and gain muscle, but still stay the same weight, then when I start trying harder to lose the weight by restricting more, it should come off easier because I have a higher metabolism because I have more muscle, right??? Yeah, that's me convincing myself that it is OK to eat. And that was my thought process this morning, when I ate oatmeal (160 cal) grapes (100 cal, estimate) and a stupid piece of danish at my meeting (probably around 250 cal).
And then I got ahold of myself and realized I was being stupid.
So yesterday I was poking around on other blogs and found one comment somewhere that someone had NME (must not eat, but out of order so people couldn't guess) written on their wrist. So I did it. And now every time I feel the urge to eat the pretzels in my desk, or the lunch I brought and didn't eat, I look down and remember that I'm being stupid. To whoever wrote that, I'm sorry I don't remember your name, THANK YOU!
Stay strong, stronger than me. You are all better than I am, just remember that.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Research on AN
I did some research yesterday, to try to figure out what type of eating disorder I have...
I think I fall into EDNOS.
But I have a new goal.
My goal is to technically fall into the AN category. That means 85% below weight or something, but more importantly, losing my periods. That's my goal right there. I figure I'll probably have to lose about 30 lbs to get there-- at 5'2", if I'm at 90 lbs I will lose my periods, right?
Am I nuts? does anyone else have this kind of a goal? Maybe I am just crazy, but this is the only place I can be honest, even with myself, and that's what I'm going to strive for. No specific weight, just low enough to actually have a true label.
I think I fall into EDNOS.
But I have a new goal.
My goal is to technically fall into the AN category. That means 85% below weight or something, but more importantly, losing my periods. That's my goal right there. I figure I'll probably have to lose about 30 lbs to get there-- at 5'2", if I'm at 90 lbs I will lose my periods, right?
Am I nuts? does anyone else have this kind of a goal? Maybe I am just crazy, but this is the only place I can be honest, even with myself, and that's what I'm going to strive for. No specific weight, just low enough to actually have a true label.
I've been a bad bad girl
Breakfast: oatmeal (160)
Lunch: AUCE buffet at college visit (800)-- Salad, grilled chicken, rice, broccoli, chocolate chip cookie
Dinner: hoping to skip it-- DH is getting home late from work.
Gag me.
On the other hand, I got up at 4:30 this morning to do the 30 day shred, so that's good, right? At least I got my metabolism going before I shoved my face full of food! And I DID skip the ice cream, so that's good right? Actually, I had given in and was going to get some ice cream but thankfully the machine was empty! Small favors, right???
Weight this morning: 121.2 but I'll bet it's up tomorrow. I'm going to try to exercise tonight as well, but DH wants to run tonight and we can't both leave the house at the same time. Ugh. Might have to do some DDR just to get myself moving.
Stay strong, I didn't. :(
Lunch: AUCE buffet at college visit (800)-- Salad, grilled chicken, rice, broccoli, chocolate chip cookie
Dinner: hoping to skip it-- DH is getting home late from work.
Gag me.
On the other hand, I got up at 4:30 this morning to do the 30 day shred, so that's good, right? At least I got my metabolism going before I shoved my face full of food! And I DID skip the ice cream, so that's good right? Actually, I had given in and was going to get some ice cream but thankfully the machine was empty! Small favors, right???
Weight this morning: 121.2 but I'll bet it's up tomorrow. I'm going to try to exercise tonight as well, but DH wants to run tonight and we can't both leave the house at the same time. Ugh. Might have to do some DDR just to get myself moving.
Stay strong, I didn't. :(
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Doing alright
I figure I was around 700 calories yesterday... All after 5pm.
I made it the whole day at work without eating, and then I had pasta with sauce (and 2 meatballs) for dinner. I was just completely exhausted, no idea why, so I didn't end up getting my workout in (BOOO). I ended up back in the kitchen at 8pm and was able to restrict myself to a bowl of chicken noodle soup. I figure it was only about 200 calories, and I'd probably had about 400-500 calories of pasta with the meatballs. Oh, I forgot the garlic bread... that's another 100 calories. DAMNIT! WAY higher than I wanted to go.
So today I've had: 1 salad-- LOTS of lettuce, a couple of tomatoes, a little cheese and some poppy vinaigrette dressing. I figure I needed the veggies, at least. I'm trying very hard to convince myself I can't eat anything else.
So this morning the scale wasn't too bad, but it wasn't great either. I always guess my weight before I step on. I guessed 123.2, since I'd been such a heffer over the weekend and hadn't weighed since then. Well, I was high. I was only 121.8, which is better than I thought but still pretty darn high if I'm aiming for 115 in about 2 weeks!!!
Also, I just got asked to chaperone a field trip tomorrow, which means I have to eat in front of other co-workers. AND our co-worker thanksgiving celebration is on Tuesday, so if I don't eat or just eat a little, people will totally know something's up. I think they might be wondering already, since I'm down about 25 lbs from last year at this time. But then again, with kids I can use them as an excuse for why my weight was so high, and tell them that this is just my normal weight even though really I'm about 15 lbs under what I was in college, before any kids!
Oh well, stay strong. I will try to do the same.
I made it the whole day at work without eating, and then I had pasta with sauce (and 2 meatballs) for dinner. I was just completely exhausted, no idea why, so I didn't end up getting my workout in (BOOO). I ended up back in the kitchen at 8pm and was able to restrict myself to a bowl of chicken noodle soup. I figure it was only about 200 calories, and I'd probably had about 400-500 calories of pasta with the meatballs. Oh, I forgot the garlic bread... that's another 100 calories. DAMNIT! WAY higher than I wanted to go.
So today I've had: 1 salad-- LOTS of lettuce, a couple of tomatoes, a little cheese and some poppy vinaigrette dressing. I figure I needed the veggies, at least. I'm trying very hard to convince myself I can't eat anything else.
So this morning the scale wasn't too bad, but it wasn't great either. I always guess my weight before I step on. I guessed 123.2, since I'd been such a heffer over the weekend and hadn't weighed since then. Well, I was high. I was only 121.8, which is better than I thought but still pretty darn high if I'm aiming for 115 in about 2 weeks!!!
Also, I just got asked to chaperone a field trip tomorrow, which means I have to eat in front of other co-workers. AND our co-worker thanksgiving celebration is on Tuesday, so if I don't eat or just eat a little, people will totally know something's up. I think they might be wondering already, since I'm down about 25 lbs from last year at this time. But then again, with kids I can use them as an excuse for why my weight was so high, and tell them that this is just my normal weight even though really I'm about 15 lbs under what I was in college, before any kids!
Oh well, stay strong. I will try to do the same.
Monday, November 15, 2010
I've been terrible
Eating whatever I want, whenever I want. I was only good 1 day all of last week. And since then, I'm scared to get on the scale. My clothes are fitting tight again, and I feel the roll over my hips coming back. Ugh. And I leave for Las Vegas 2 weeks from tomorrow.
So I've started a new regime. I ran on Saturday, and I did my 30 day shred last night. I'm forcing myself to work out once per day, and also to skip breakfast and lunch, for the 2 weeks until I leave. Unfortunately, Thanksgiving is next Thursday so I'll obviously be eating then.
I'm scared to step on the scale. Scared I'll see a number over 125, I haven't been above 125 in months and I couldn't handle it if I were that high again after just 2 weeks of frivolity.
I've also given up any hopes of making it to 115 before Vegas. I don't think it's possible. I'm a failure.
Ugh, I just scratched my ass, and the feeling of fat is disgusting. I have to remind myself yet again that it is MY fault that there's fat there, and I can fix it. I must fix it. I will fix it.
Welcome to a new dawn.
So I've started a new regime. I ran on Saturday, and I did my 30 day shred last night. I'm forcing myself to work out once per day, and also to skip breakfast and lunch, for the 2 weeks until I leave. Unfortunately, Thanksgiving is next Thursday so I'll obviously be eating then.
I'm scared to step on the scale. Scared I'll see a number over 125, I haven't been above 125 in months and I couldn't handle it if I were that high again after just 2 weeks of frivolity.
I've also given up any hopes of making it to 115 before Vegas. I don't think it's possible. I'm a failure.
Ugh, I just scratched my ass, and the feeling of fat is disgusting. I have to remind myself yet again that it is MY fault that there's fat there, and I can fix it. I must fix it. I will fix it.
Welcome to a new dawn.
Monday, November 8, 2010
Eh. Par for the course
I wasn't great, but I wasn't awful.
I ate what I had to to keep the facade up, plus a little more, but not much. Unfortunately, the "little more" included a bowl of ice cream (I don't want hubby knowing I'm dieting AT ALL, and that keeps him totally in the dark) and some spinach dip and pita bread.
My weight this morning-- after drinking 1 cup of water to take my pill-- was 122.4. Yuck.
Intake so far today: Coffee, and water.
I have no idea what dinner will be, probably shake and bake chicken, but hubby will be working late so maybe I'll just skip dinner tonight and feed everyone else. Too bad they're getting old enough to notice when I skip meals. Eh, I think I might be able to make it work. If nothing else, it should be easy to keep the total intake below 300 for the day, which is my real goal!
Can't wait to start again tomorrow. I wonder what I'll weigh at the end of the week? I'm also skipping out on the drinking at ladies night with good reason (puking from just 3 glasses of wine, yeah, pretty sure there's an allergy there) and sticking with diet soda. That'll save me those 500-800 calories right there!
Goal this week-- 118 on Friday. Bring it!
I ate what I had to to keep the facade up, plus a little more, but not much. Unfortunately, the "little more" included a bowl of ice cream (I don't want hubby knowing I'm dieting AT ALL, and that keeps him totally in the dark) and some spinach dip and pita bread.
My weight this morning-- after drinking 1 cup of water to take my pill-- was 122.4. Yuck.
Intake so far today: Coffee, and water.
I have no idea what dinner will be, probably shake and bake chicken, but hubby will be working late so maybe I'll just skip dinner tonight and feed everyone else. Too bad they're getting old enough to notice when I skip meals. Eh, I think I might be able to make it work. If nothing else, it should be easy to keep the total intake below 300 for the day, which is my real goal!
Can't wait to start again tomorrow. I wonder what I'll weigh at the end of the week? I'm also skipping out on the drinking at ladies night with good reason (puking from just 3 glasses of wine, yeah, pretty sure there's an allergy there) and sticking with diet soda. That'll save me those 500-800 calories right there!
Goal this week-- 118 on Friday. Bring it!
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Friday, November 5, 2010
Ugh, I can't drink now???
What's the deal? Last night was ladies night. I made sure I ate in preparation, since the last time I ended up tossing my cookies all night after the mass quantity of wine. I also limited myself to 3 glasses (well, it ended up at 3 1/2, but still, not too bad). I was freaking sober when I got home-- I wasn't intoxicated at all. And yet when I lay down, I started to get the spins. When the man came up and got in bed he tried to snuggle, and that just pushed me over the line. I got up and spent the next 30 minutes pooping and puking! WTF???
I so don't get it. Next time I go, I'm drinking SODA! but I am not going to give up my laides night, no way. If I still puke I'll know it's the cigarettes, if I don't I'll call it good.
So anyway, after all that last night my weight was a beautiful 119.0 this morning! LOL, I know it's because I'm totally empty and dehydrated, but it was cool to be reminded of what I'm aiming for.
But then I was nauseous in the "I have to eat right now" kinda nausea, so I got breakfast from McDonalds. eggs, hash browns, biscuit, and sausage. And yeah, I ate it all.
So I had just a salad for lunch. I even passed up the awesome looking carrot cake that was calling my name. Because I'm back with a bang! I WILL be below 115 by November 30 when I go to Las Vegas!
Determination and willpower, that's all I need. I can win!
I so don't get it. Next time I go, I'm drinking SODA! but I am not going to give up my laides night, no way. If I still puke I'll know it's the cigarettes, if I don't I'll call it good.
So anyway, after all that last night my weight was a beautiful 119.0 this morning! LOL, I know it's because I'm totally empty and dehydrated, but it was cool to be reminded of what I'm aiming for.
But then I was nauseous in the "I have to eat right now" kinda nausea, so I got breakfast from McDonalds. eggs, hash browns, biscuit, and sausage. And yeah, I ate it all.
So I had just a salad for lunch. I even passed up the awesome looking carrot cake that was calling my name. Because I'm back with a bang! I WILL be below 115 by November 30 when I go to Las Vegas!
Determination and willpower, that's all I need. I can win!
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Back with a bang
I've been awful.
Terrible.
I feel like a cow.
I was 123 again this week. Well, 122.6, close enough.
I am going to Vegas in less than a month, and I swore I'd be below 115. And damn it I will.
Thanks to all of you lovely ladies (yes, I know only 2 followers, but in case anyone else decides to read this) who follow or post your own blogs. You are my thinspiration. You remind me that I CAN do it, that it IS possible, and that I need to get up off my fat ass and stop coming up with excuses.
SO WHAT if I'm already smaller than the people I work with? I can't help it if they're all fat! I'm still wearing a size 6 and I want to be in a size 2. I am NOT where I want to be, NOT where I'd be happy. It's not my fault that they are jealous of me. Somehow they are jealous of my fat state, because even in this fat state I am still smaller than they are.
Again, thank you all for reminding me that I am NOT the people around me. I am better. I am stronger. And I am thinner!
Terrible.
I feel like a cow.
I was 123 again this week. Well, 122.6, close enough.
I am going to Vegas in less than a month, and I swore I'd be below 115. And damn it I will.
Thanks to all of you lovely ladies (yes, I know only 2 followers, but in case anyone else decides to read this) who follow or post your own blogs. You are my thinspiration. You remind me that I CAN do it, that it IS possible, and that I need to get up off my fat ass and stop coming up with excuses.
SO WHAT if I'm already smaller than the people I work with? I can't help it if they're all fat! I'm still wearing a size 6 and I want to be in a size 2. I am NOT where I want to be, NOT where I'd be happy. It's not my fault that they are jealous of me. Somehow they are jealous of my fat state, because even in this fat state I am still smaller than they are.
Again, thank you all for reminding me that I am NOT the people around me. I am better. I am stronger. And I am thinner!
Monday, October 25, 2010
Truly, there are no words
for how gross and embarassed I am. And yet, there was a reason.
So Thursday's escapades and drinking led to vomiting and exhaustion on Friday, but a lovely low weight.
But as Friday went on, I got more and more exhausted. I tried to drink more water to rehydrate ( I know I was super dehydrated) I just couldn't. By Friday night I was freezing (sure sign I had a temp, I was freezing all day too) and exhausted. Then I noticed that my heart was skipping beats. Not infrequently, it was skipping about every third beat. And I could feel it. And it scared me.
So needless to say, Friday I'd eaten whatever I wanted (which realistically wasn't a ton, but was more than 5 bites). And after that little scare Friday night (I had seriously considered going to the hospital, I was that scared) I told myself I should eat. So I did. I ate. and I gained. and I'm disgusted by the fact that I'm back up to 122.4 as of this morning. THE ENTIRE WEEK WAS WASTED! I did the 5 bites for 4 days and lost so much weight, and today I'm back up to nearly what I started at. And then you know what this fatass did? I had a bagel with cream cheese for breakfast! Gawd, what's wrong with me???
I can feel the fat on my thighs and it's gross. I can't wait to get back to myself. I'm skipping lunch today, thankfully. I totally forgot to put dinner in the crock pot this morning, but we have more than enough leftovers to last the next couple of days. Tomorrow I'm back to not eating at work. I need to do that, just to feel good about myself. I want to be back below 120 again! DAMMIT, I worked so hard for that and threw it all away in a weekend!!!
Water. Chugging water. and gum. chewing gum. and limiting portions at dinner. Someone help me remember what I'm doing this for, I feel so disgusting right now.
So Thursday's escapades and drinking led to vomiting and exhaustion on Friday, but a lovely low weight.
But as Friday went on, I got more and more exhausted. I tried to drink more water to rehydrate ( I know I was super dehydrated) I just couldn't. By Friday night I was freezing (sure sign I had a temp, I was freezing all day too) and exhausted. Then I noticed that my heart was skipping beats. Not infrequently, it was skipping about every third beat. And I could feel it. And it scared me.
So needless to say, Friday I'd eaten whatever I wanted (which realistically wasn't a ton, but was more than 5 bites). And after that little scare Friday night (I had seriously considered going to the hospital, I was that scared) I told myself I should eat. So I did. I ate. and I gained. and I'm disgusted by the fact that I'm back up to 122.4 as of this morning. THE ENTIRE WEEK WAS WASTED! I did the 5 bites for 4 days and lost so much weight, and today I'm back up to nearly what I started at. And then you know what this fatass did? I had a bagel with cream cheese for breakfast! Gawd, what's wrong with me???
I can feel the fat on my thighs and it's gross. I can't wait to get back to myself. I'm skipping lunch today, thankfully. I totally forgot to put dinner in the crock pot this morning, but we have more than enough leftovers to last the next couple of days. Tomorrow I'm back to not eating at work. I need to do that, just to feel good about myself. I want to be back below 120 again! DAMMIT, I worked so hard for that and threw it all away in a weekend!!!
Water. Chugging water. and gum. chewing gum. and limiting portions at dinner. Someone help me remember what I'm doing this for, I feel so disgusting right now.
Friday, October 22, 2010
Epic FAIL
I did good most of yesterday, but then I knew I would be hungry after drinking, so I had a bowl of thick squash soup for dinner, and satisfied my sweet tooth afterward with 5 bites of dessert. It was delicious. Then, just before leaving, I was hungry again. So I ate about 2 handfulls of peanuts. Then I went to Ladies night (full of wine and cigarettes) and drank myself stupid. Also ate the popcorn that ladies hubby makes.
Yeah, I totally drank myself stupid. So stupid that I left abruptly to stumble home and poop and puke. It was then that I realized that I hadn't pooped since I started this diet. I was actually thrilled to puke as well, just to be free of the horrible calories in my stomach.
Even worse: I woke up with a serious hangover. Nausea, headache. I popped an asprin, drank a full glass of water, and dragged my ass out of bed at 5:30 (late, I hadn't set my alarm). At least I got a shower and looked alive for work! So anyway, I needed to get the alcohol smell off my breath (toothbrushing and gum doesn't work if there's nothing in your stomach to absorb the smell there) so I bought and ate a whole bagel with cream cheese for breakfast. When my stomach was empty again, I ate a granola bar. then I had a salad with feta and dressing and tomatoes plus a bowl of soup for lunch. Then I just had 2 mini hersheys bars. Ugh.
Happily, my weight was at an all time low of 116.6, but I know it's because I was uber-dehydrated. After a day of eating, it'll be back up tomorrow.
Ugh, hangovers suck.
Yeah, I totally drank myself stupid. So stupid that I left abruptly to stumble home and poop and puke. It was then that I realized that I hadn't pooped since I started this diet. I was actually thrilled to puke as well, just to be free of the horrible calories in my stomach.
Even worse: I woke up with a serious hangover. Nausea, headache. I popped an asprin, drank a full glass of water, and dragged my ass out of bed at 5:30 (late, I hadn't set my alarm). At least I got a shower and looked alive for work! So anyway, I needed to get the alcohol smell off my breath (toothbrushing and gum doesn't work if there's nothing in your stomach to absorb the smell there) so I bought and ate a whole bagel with cream cheese for breakfast. When my stomach was empty again, I ate a granola bar. then I had a salad with feta and dressing and tomatoes plus a bowl of soup for lunch. Then I just had 2 mini hersheys bars. Ugh.
Happily, my weight was at an all time low of 116.6, but I know it's because I was uber-dehydrated. After a day of eating, it'll be back up tomorrow.
Ugh, hangovers suck.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Day 3 was a success!
Well, sort of lol.
All day I had 1 bite size milky way midnight (the tiny ones, not the "fun size"), 1/2 twizzlers, and then for dinner had 1/2 of a ham and cheese sandwich (so 1/2 of a hamburger bun, 1/2 of a slice of cheese, and 1 slice of ham) plus a little broccoli. YES, it was more than 5 bites for dinner, but really I *could* have eaten it in 5 bites if they were big bites! And since I didn't really eat my 5 bites of lunch, I figure I'm good.
Plus, the scale this morning was down ANOTHER POUND!!! I'm at 118.8!
And I should be extatic, and I was for a minute, then I looked in the mirror and saw the flab on my legs (they have big balls of fat at the top, between my legs, and on the outside, stupid saddle bags) and nearly gagged. I have a long way to go. How on earth I thought I looked OK in high school is beyond me. I suppose it's probably because I was cheerleading, so I spent 2 hours doing cardio every day, so I was in much better shape. I WISH I had the time or energy to do cardio, but I just don't right now.
Either way, the 5 bites is totally working for me, and by the time I get to 101 I don't think it will matter that I have less muscle, because I'll have no fat and I'll look awesome! I may have to re-vamp my Dec. 1 goal from 112 to 110 or even lower if this keeps up! 6 weeks from today, hell, I can lose way more than 6 lbs in 6 weeks!!!
And now I have 2 followers??!! Wow, followers. I don't really know why anyone would want to follow me, but thanks for joining me :) Stay strong.
All day I had 1 bite size milky way midnight (the tiny ones, not the "fun size"), 1/2 twizzlers, and then for dinner had 1/2 of a ham and cheese sandwich (so 1/2 of a hamburger bun, 1/2 of a slice of cheese, and 1 slice of ham) plus a little broccoli. YES, it was more than 5 bites for dinner, but really I *could* have eaten it in 5 bites if they were big bites! And since I didn't really eat my 5 bites of lunch, I figure I'm good.
Plus, the scale this morning was down ANOTHER POUND!!! I'm at 118.8!
And I should be extatic, and I was for a minute, then I looked in the mirror and saw the flab on my legs (they have big balls of fat at the top, between my legs, and on the outside, stupid saddle bags) and nearly gagged. I have a long way to go. How on earth I thought I looked OK in high school is beyond me. I suppose it's probably because I was cheerleading, so I spent 2 hours doing cardio every day, so I was in much better shape. I WISH I had the time or energy to do cardio, but I just don't right now.
Either way, the 5 bites is totally working for me, and by the time I get to 101 I don't think it will matter that I have less muscle, because I'll have no fat and I'll look awesome! I may have to re-vamp my Dec. 1 goal from 112 to 110 or even lower if this keeps up! 6 weeks from today, hell, I can lose way more than 6 lbs in 6 weeks!!!
And now I have 2 followers??!! Wow, followers. I don't really know why anyone would want to follow me, but thanks for joining me :) Stay strong.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Day 3 of the 5 bite diet
And the scale (which I swore I wouldn't step on until I was a week in, I know I know) was AWESOME today!!!
Wait for it...
Wait for it...
119.8!!!!
OMG, I remember being 15 and going to the Dr. and having them weigh me and I was 120, and I flipped out! I was ranting and raving, saying "I AM NOT 120 LBS"... And in all honesty that was fully clothed right after lunch, but still! I'm back down to around what I weighed in High School!!!!!
So needless to say, I'm staying on this diet!
Yesterday's intake:
Coffee (1 cup, I don't allow myself any more than that)
Water (lots)
5 squash seeds, roasted and salted
1 small slice of thin crust pizza (I know it's a little more than 5 bites, but I figured I sorta skipped the lunch 5 bites, so it works out, plus it was still only the volume of a snickers bar because it was thin crust).
1 cup chai tea (not a latte, just the tea, 0 calories)
1 cup peach tea with 1 tsp honey (honey has calories, I know, but it was sooooo good that way).
All I have to say is WOOO HOOO~!!!! I just hope my weight doesn't go back up again like it did before. I had gotten to 121.6 about 2 weeks ago, but then it went back up 2 lbs and stayed there until this week. Ugh. I wonder, really, what I can get down to on this diet!!! Man, that 101 that should be my goal weight is looking more and more attainable, even though I haven't seen it since about middle school.
My biggest problem right now is that most of my clothes don't fit. I grabbed a pair of jeans yesterday when I got home from work and threw them on, and they were my super skinny jeans from the month before I got married, that have been way too tight to wear, and they fit OK. They felt a little tight, but they're kinda supposed to be, right? I can't wait until they're too loose!
I really need to go clothes shopping. I've been reduced to skirts and dresses for a while, because I only have 1-2 pairs of work pants that fit me. I'm wearing a skirt right now, which disgustingly is size 13-- I will admit, it's a little big, and the weight I carry IS in my hips and butt, but still yuck! All of my shirts look too big now too, even sloppy. I JUST bought about 6 long sleeved tee-shirts from Old Navy about 2 weeks ago, size small, and now I wish I'd gotten extra small... grrr. But yeah, size 4 pants are necessary, and pretty soon it'll hopefully be size 2!
Hooray for the 5 bite diet!!! It is my savior!
Wait for it...
Wait for it...
119.8!!!!
OMG, I remember being 15 and going to the Dr. and having them weigh me and I was 120, and I flipped out! I was ranting and raving, saying "I AM NOT 120 LBS"... And in all honesty that was fully clothed right after lunch, but still! I'm back down to around what I weighed in High School!!!!!
So needless to say, I'm staying on this diet!
Yesterday's intake:
Coffee (1 cup, I don't allow myself any more than that)
Water (lots)
5 squash seeds, roasted and salted
1 small slice of thin crust pizza (I know it's a little more than 5 bites, but I figured I sorta skipped the lunch 5 bites, so it works out, plus it was still only the volume of a snickers bar because it was thin crust).
1 cup chai tea (not a latte, just the tea, 0 calories)
1 cup peach tea with 1 tsp honey (honey has calories, I know, but it was sooooo good that way).
All I have to say is WOOO HOOO~!!!! I just hope my weight doesn't go back up again like it did before. I had gotten to 121.6 about 2 weeks ago, but then it went back up 2 lbs and stayed there until this week. Ugh. I wonder, really, what I can get down to on this diet!!! Man, that 101 that should be my goal weight is looking more and more attainable, even though I haven't seen it since about middle school.
My biggest problem right now is that most of my clothes don't fit. I grabbed a pair of jeans yesterday when I got home from work and threw them on, and they were my super skinny jeans from the month before I got married, that have been way too tight to wear, and they fit OK. They felt a little tight, but they're kinda supposed to be, right? I can't wait until they're too loose!
I really need to go clothes shopping. I've been reduced to skirts and dresses for a while, because I only have 1-2 pairs of work pants that fit me. I'm wearing a skirt right now, which disgustingly is size 13-- I will admit, it's a little big, and the weight I carry IS in my hips and butt, but still yuck! All of my shirts look too big now too, even sloppy. I JUST bought about 6 long sleeved tee-shirts from Old Navy about 2 weeks ago, size small, and now I wish I'd gotten extra small... grrr. But yeah, size 4 pants are necessary, and pretty soon it'll hopefully be size 2!
Hooray for the 5 bite diet!!! It is my savior!
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Day 2 of the 5-bite diet
So it wasn't that bad... probably because I'd been skipping breakfast and lunch for two weeks anyway! I probably did eat a total of about 8 bites yesterday, a volume slightly larger than a snickers bar. I had a cup of tea later in the evening when I was craving something sweet (and making the kids' lunches, tons of food all over the place and man I wanted some) but didn't eat anything. I cooked up some squash and am going to make it into soup, but I'm not sure how that falls into the 5-bites, right? Oh well... 1 day down.
Everything I had read before said the first three days are the hardest and then you get used to it, but now I've found a forum and most of the people talk about how they're still hungry pretty much all the time. I can handle hungry, as long as I lose weight, right? It's all about control. I just have to remind myself that this is temporary, 1 day at a time, rather than trying to look at it as a full 2 weeks or month or month and a half.
I swore I would not get on the scale for the first week, but I was wrong. I got on the scale as soon as I got home last night, and then again this morning. This morning I was 121.6, so down 2 lbs yesterday. I don't expect to keep that rate, in fact I'll be happy if I lose another 2 lbs during the rest of the week! I'd LOVE LOVE LOVE to be able to finish the week under 120, since I haven't been under 120 since I was about 16!!!
So the website for the 5-bite diet says my ideal weight is 101. My mom would freak, but I'm considering buying the book just to show her that it is healthy to get that low. She keeps telling me that 115 is unreasonable, but I think part of that is just because she can't get down there herself without starving herself so she doesn't want me to. Honestly, I think my mom would love to do this with me, I'm seeing how she's as concerned about weight as I am, and she wants to be just as thin as I do, but she's trying to be a mom and show me that it's unhealthy. But if I have a book telling me it IS healthy, she would probably not only support it, but also do it herself.
I'm getting my new phone on Halloween, so pretty soon I'll be able to post from my phone! I can't wait!!!
Everything I had read before said the first three days are the hardest and then you get used to it, but now I've found a forum and most of the people talk about how they're still hungry pretty much all the time. I can handle hungry, as long as I lose weight, right? It's all about control. I just have to remind myself that this is temporary, 1 day at a time, rather than trying to look at it as a full 2 weeks or month or month and a half.
I swore I would not get on the scale for the first week, but I was wrong. I got on the scale as soon as I got home last night, and then again this morning. This morning I was 121.6, so down 2 lbs yesterday. I don't expect to keep that rate, in fact I'll be happy if I lose another 2 lbs during the rest of the week! I'd LOVE LOVE LOVE to be able to finish the week under 120, since I haven't been under 120 since I was about 16!!!
So the website for the 5-bite diet says my ideal weight is 101. My mom would freak, but I'm considering buying the book just to show her that it is healthy to get that low. She keeps telling me that 115 is unreasonable, but I think part of that is just because she can't get down there herself without starving herself so she doesn't want me to. Honestly, I think my mom would love to do this with me, I'm seeing how she's as concerned about weight as I am, and she wants to be just as thin as I do, but she's trying to be a mom and show me that it's unhealthy. But if I have a book telling me it IS healthy, she would probably not only support it, but also do it herself.
I'm getting my new phone on Halloween, so pretty soon I'll be able to post from my phone! I can't wait!!!
Monday, October 18, 2010
Day 1 of the 5-bite diet
Starting point: 123.6-- and I have NO idea how I'm that low! I was a total heffer over the weekend. pasta, meatballs, a party for gboy that had tons of sweets and a chocolate fountain, and I wasn't exactly going light! Plus a party last night that had pulled pork bbq sandwiches, potato chips, scalloped potatoes, and a DESSERT CONTEST, so about 30 of the most delicious desserts I've ever seen (plus it's fall, pumpkin time, and I LOVE pumpkin anything)! I even ate McDonalds on Friday for the first time in MONTHS.
I told DH that I was filling up last night and today I was going to start the 5 bite diet. I'd told him about it, being skeptical, but he wasn't actually shocked when I said I was doing it. It's 5 bites, twice per day, and that's it. I told him my goal is 2 weeks, but I didn't know if I'd make it. In reality I know I can if I try (and if others know I'm doing it so they don't try to sabotage me) but I still can't tell my mom I'm doing it because I'm not quite sure what she'd think.
I wore my size 4 skinny jeans on Friday and again on Sunday. Sadly, they fit well on Friday and by Sunday they were super tight. Ugh. So even though my weight went down, I got bigger over the weekend. I threw them in the wash as soon as I got home last night, and I'm not going to touch them until next Sunday. I'm hoping that by then they will fit well again, fresh out of the dryer (jeans are always tighter right after a wash, we all know that). Maybe they'll even be big!
So I"m not weighing myself this week. I'm staying away from the scale until next week Monday (that's 1 week) so see what 1 week on this diet can do for me. Then I'll weigh myself then and do another week. As I said, the goal is 2 weeks, but if it does awesome things I might just stay on it for longer. The whole point is to get your stomach to shrink back down to a healthy normal small size, so that you don't WANT more than 5 bites! Everything I've read says that the first three days are brutal, and I'm sure after a weekend of gluttony they will be, but seriously I'm pumped about the possible results and the fact that DH is not going to make me eat!!!
Bring it on!
I told DH that I was filling up last night and today I was going to start the 5 bite diet. I'd told him about it, being skeptical, but he wasn't actually shocked when I said I was doing it. It's 5 bites, twice per day, and that's it. I told him my goal is 2 weeks, but I didn't know if I'd make it. In reality I know I can if I try (and if others know I'm doing it so they don't try to sabotage me) but I still can't tell my mom I'm doing it because I'm not quite sure what she'd think.
I wore my size 4 skinny jeans on Friday and again on Sunday. Sadly, they fit well on Friday and by Sunday they were super tight. Ugh. So even though my weight went down, I got bigger over the weekend. I threw them in the wash as soon as I got home last night, and I'm not going to touch them until next Sunday. I'm hoping that by then they will fit well again, fresh out of the dryer (jeans are always tighter right after a wash, we all know that). Maybe they'll even be big!
So I"m not weighing myself this week. I'm staying away from the scale until next week Monday (that's 1 week) so see what 1 week on this diet can do for me. Then I'll weigh myself then and do another week. As I said, the goal is 2 weeks, but if it does awesome things I might just stay on it for longer. The whole point is to get your stomach to shrink back down to a healthy normal small size, so that you don't WANT more than 5 bites! Everything I've read says that the first three days are brutal, and I'm sure after a weekend of gluttony they will be, but seriously I'm pumped about the possible results and the fact that DH is not going to make me eat!!!
Bring it on!
Thursday, October 14, 2010
AWFUL!!!
I don't get it. I did so good last week, and this week has been a giant joke!
Monday I did good-- just ate dinner. It wasn't a small dinner, and it was pizza, but I skipped breakfast and lunch, so that's progress right? And I did take the pill.
Tuesday I was awful. I did skip breakfast, but the lunch meeting was rich ravioli with mushroom alfredo sauce, salad with full fat ranch dressing, and THREE chocolate truffles. Plus I ate a large dinner of my taco bake, which includes queso dip and taco meat and black beans. Oh, and 2 bowls of ice cream. Binge city. but I did take the pill.
Wednesday I was trying to be good, but I was thwarted. I meant to skip breakfast, but someone brought in apple crisp for their birthday so I let DS1 have some. Well, he left half of it on the plate so I figured I'd finish it. Not too much. Then someone reminded me that it was "chicken salad" day-- it's actually a chicken pasta with a rich sauce and grapes, plus a roll, and 2 no-bake cookies. I ate the whole thing like the heffer I am. And dinner was leftovers, pizza and chicken buscuit. plus pumpkin pie. and m&m's. no pill. But I DID shred last night, so I got a little exercise.
My weight is back up to 124.0-- it's been there for 2 days now. I hate seeing it that high, but I have to remind myself that I've been hanging out at 127 for months, so I'm still down a little. Now I'm going to try to be good for today and then tomorrow I'm having dinner with my mom, and then another dinner with a friend of mine... I'm wondering if I can play the "I am waiting to eat/I already ate" game and skip it all together! I'd feel worlds better if I could do that. I want to be under 120 before halloween for sure! And then under 115 by the time I go to Vegas on November 30. I can do it!!!
Monday I did good-- just ate dinner. It wasn't a small dinner, and it was pizza, but I skipped breakfast and lunch, so that's progress right? And I did take the pill.
Tuesday I was awful. I did skip breakfast, but the lunch meeting was rich ravioli with mushroom alfredo sauce, salad with full fat ranch dressing, and THREE chocolate truffles. Plus I ate a large dinner of my taco bake, which includes queso dip and taco meat and black beans. Oh, and 2 bowls of ice cream. Binge city. but I did take the pill.
Wednesday I was trying to be good, but I was thwarted. I meant to skip breakfast, but someone brought in apple crisp for their birthday so I let DS1 have some. Well, he left half of it on the plate so I figured I'd finish it. Not too much. Then someone reminded me that it was "chicken salad" day-- it's actually a chicken pasta with a rich sauce and grapes, plus a roll, and 2 no-bake cookies. I ate the whole thing like the heffer I am. And dinner was leftovers, pizza and chicken buscuit. plus pumpkin pie. and m&m's. no pill. But I DID shred last night, so I got a little exercise.
My weight is back up to 124.0-- it's been there for 2 days now. I hate seeing it that high, but I have to remind myself that I've been hanging out at 127 for months, so I'm still down a little. Now I'm going to try to be good for today and then tomorrow I'm having dinner with my mom, and then another dinner with a friend of mine... I'm wondering if I can play the "I am waiting to eat/I already ate" game and skip it all together! I'd feel worlds better if I could do that. I want to be under 120 before halloween for sure! And then under 115 by the time I go to Vegas on November 30. I can do it!!!
Monday, October 11, 2010
123.6-- and feeling lucky to be there...
This weekend was TRAGIC. I ate dinner Friday, of course, with my hubby and family. Then I got up to the lake to see my parents and they hadn't eaten, so I munched on french fries. Gross. I actually had quite a few of them too.
Saturday was fun. I skipped breakfast, had only a small portion of a sandwich for lunch (plus a couple handfuls of gorp, delicious but horrible), and then made a total pig of myself at dinner. Steak, sweet potatoes, corn, garlic bread (3 pieces-- what was I thinking) and even pecan pie for dessert. Oh, wait. There's more. So saturday night we decided to go to a haunted house. Well, at the last minute we ended up going bowling, and there was a hungry howies across the street, and the boys were hungry. So we bought 2 pizzas. smalls, at least... Well, I had 2/3 of a pizza MYSELF. Ugh.
Sunday I was awful as well-- I just couldn't stop eating! I had pancakes for breakfast, more garlic bread, more gorp, more sandwich, and then my mom gives me this HUGE burrito for lunch/dinner, and I finished the whole thing. AND a piece of pecan pie! At least I didn't eat anything else beyond that, but I did have a couple glasses of wine.
Oh, I started taking my diet pills on Saturday, so I was jittery all weekend (and I'm jittery again now). I think those are part of the reason I only gained back 1 pound. Also, we went wakeboarding so I'm super sore, and I know that when you're sore you are holding more water so you weigh more, so maybe I'll be down again once I get all the soreness out of my body! My goal by the end of this week is 120. I figure every week I should be able to go down 3-4 lbs, then back up 2 on the weekend... That would get me to where I want to get to by VEGAS!!!
Saturday was fun. I skipped breakfast, had only a small portion of a sandwich for lunch (plus a couple handfuls of gorp, delicious but horrible), and then made a total pig of myself at dinner. Steak, sweet potatoes, corn, garlic bread (3 pieces-- what was I thinking) and even pecan pie for dessert. Oh, wait. There's more. So saturday night we decided to go to a haunted house. Well, at the last minute we ended up going bowling, and there was a hungry howies across the street, and the boys were hungry. So we bought 2 pizzas. smalls, at least... Well, I had 2/3 of a pizza MYSELF. Ugh.
Sunday I was awful as well-- I just couldn't stop eating! I had pancakes for breakfast, more garlic bread, more gorp, more sandwich, and then my mom gives me this HUGE burrito for lunch/dinner, and I finished the whole thing. AND a piece of pecan pie! At least I didn't eat anything else beyond that, but I did have a couple glasses of wine.
Oh, I started taking my diet pills on Saturday, so I was jittery all weekend (and I'm jittery again now). I think those are part of the reason I only gained back 1 pound. Also, we went wakeboarding so I'm super sore, and I know that when you're sore you are holding more water so you weigh more, so maybe I'll be down again once I get all the soreness out of my body! My goal by the end of this week is 120. I figure every week I should be able to go down 3-4 lbs, then back up 2 on the weekend... That would get me to where I want to get to by VEGAS!!!
Friday, October 8, 2010
Day 2 of the new blog
OK, so yesterday...
Well, I did well through the day, nothing but coffee and water. Got home and had dinner with the family-- leftover night. I grabbed the nachos, figuring I could share them away. I did share some of them away, but not as many as I'd hoped. I ate way too much, I figure about 500 calories. Gross gross gross. Then I had a tiny little piece of pumpkin pie, just to keep hubby in the dark. And it worked. Then hubby took two of the boys to the store and left me with the baby. All I wanted to do was purge, but I'm weak. I couldn't. I just couldn't. I had the perfect opportunity, and I still couldn't. WTF.
So last night was girls night. I vowed not to eat anything. Well, a bottle of wine (and a good buzz) later, I ate popcorn. It could have been far worse, it was just popcorn (and it was damn good popcorn). But a LOT of wine-- enough that I was still buzzed when I woke up this morning!
But I was slightly down this morning, probably from being dehydrated.
But this weekend I'm spending with my parents. My mom is dieting, so that will help me out, but I still have to eat 3 meals. I'm actually getting to like this whole "one meal per day" thing I've got going-- it saves me the time and energy of packing a lunch! And I don't go out to eat with co-workers so I'm saving money :)
Well, I did well through the day, nothing but coffee and water. Got home and had dinner with the family-- leftover night. I grabbed the nachos, figuring I could share them away. I did share some of them away, but not as many as I'd hoped. I ate way too much, I figure about 500 calories. Gross gross gross. Then I had a tiny little piece of pumpkin pie, just to keep hubby in the dark. And it worked. Then hubby took two of the boys to the store and left me with the baby. All I wanted to do was purge, but I'm weak. I couldn't. I just couldn't. I had the perfect opportunity, and I still couldn't. WTF.
So last night was girls night. I vowed not to eat anything. Well, a bottle of wine (and a good buzz) later, I ate popcorn. It could have been far worse, it was just popcorn (and it was damn good popcorn). But a LOT of wine-- enough that I was still buzzed when I woke up this morning!
But I was slightly down this morning, probably from being dehydrated.
But this weekend I'm spending with my parents. My mom is dieting, so that will help me out, but I still have to eat 3 meals. I'm actually getting to like this whole "one meal per day" thing I've got going-- it saves me the time and energy of packing a lunch! And I don't go out to eat with co-workers so I'm saving money :)
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Just starting
123.4-- yup, 1234 is my weight today. I was at 121 yesterday, but last week I was at 127, so it's progress.
I'm just starting this journey.
I'm just starting this journey.
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