tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4070215354729225882024-02-20T16:18:41.582-05:00Disappearing YouthMy journey from 130 to 99. Join me! Help me!Brooklynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11897270152869799636noreply@blogger.comBlogger80125truetag:blogger.com,1999:blog-407021535472922588.post-75800413750675356532018-01-08T14:21:00.001-05:002018-01-08T14:21:29.160-05:00Shredding for the wedding<p dir="ltr">No, I am not engaged. But I expect that rl is going to propose in the next couple months. Actually, I thought he would have done it by now... Since we were both in j&k wedding in September, and she HANDED me the boquet and he had the garter thrown right to him before the other guys even lined up! Well, its January and he still hasn't. I told him not to around the holidays. Bad juju. Anyway, we decided a couple days ago that we could actually make a vacation work in April. So we are going to the keys. I expect he will do it there.</p>
<p dir="ltr">Anyway, i was planning to slowly lose weight anyway (all time high, between 140 and 145 this morning)... So today i started the cabbage soup diet. I actually like the soup. I made it a couple weeks ago. It's cheap and pretty tasty, but plain. Bland. I add sriracha sauce. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Well, today i can eat the soup and fruit. Should have been easy, except i had a snow day. I am home. Those peanuts look mighty tasty. So does the chicken i just cooked for salads. I guess what i am saying is that i won't follow the diet all week, but i am going to eat less and eat healthy. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Put my info into an app today and laughed when it said i only got 200 calories per day (based on losing 2.5 lbs per week)... I think even the cabbage soup diet is well over that. My bmr is less than 1400, which means to lose 1 lb per week i can really only eat 800 cals... And thats only 1 lb per week#!! I need to get at least to 125 by april. Thats 1.5 to 2 lbs per week. So i can eat 400 cals. Yum. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Oh well, i guess we will see what happens! Come on hot engagement pics!</p>
Brooklynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11897270152869799636noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-407021535472922588.post-85361419288003393732017-09-26T11:42:00.001-04:002017-09-26T11:42:19.404-04:00<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Day 2--<br />
Yes, it really is day 2!<br />
<br />
I kept busy yesterday... like crazy busy. I was at work. Worked through lunch. After work I had to take my car into the shop. I was there until around 6pm, sitting right next to the vending machine. But I didn't eat. I spent the time looking up pics and fasting experiences. Then I went home and had a friend's daughter come over for tutoring. She didn't leave until about 8:30. Then I dyed my hair. Finally crawled into bed around 9:30 or 10...<br />
<br />
And couldn't sleep.<br />
<br />
I slept like shit.<br />
I kept having weird dreams or just tossing and turning.<br />
I must have gotten up 10 times to pee!<br />
The first time I though it was like 4am... nope... 11:30. WTF.<br />
<br />
I got out of bed at 4:45, gave up on sleeping, did my hair, talked to my dog, cleaned the house a bit.<br />
<br />
Had coffee this morning.<br />
<br />
And I'm not that hungry. I expected to be starving today, but I'm not... At least not yet.<br />
<br />
It's been almost 42 hours? Has it been that long? I have to check my ketones... maybe I'm already in ketosis?<br />
<br />
Weight was down about 3 lbs, which was more than I expected but I also know it's all water.<br />
<br />
The worst part is that I spend time thinking about what I will be... and then I see what I still am... and it's gross. But I move on.<br />
<br />
Easier than I thought... I kinda feel like it's not going to stick because it's too easy? Lol I say that now, and it'll probably be awful tomorrow... </div>
Brooklynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11897270152869799636noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-407021535472922588.post-81951422699231397362017-09-25T11:17:00.000-04:002017-09-25T11:17:01.349-04:005 day water fast-- Day 1<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
I feel like I need to explain.<br />
First, I'm at the highest weight I've been at in years. Like YEARS! Like since my last child was born and I was working back down.<br />
<br />
Now, there are a couple of reasons for this...<br />
1. Stress-- I just moved. again. Work is stressful. I'm working 2 jobs, and the class I'm teaching at night is new and difficult.<br />
2. Age-- OK let's be honest... I'm coming up on that point in my life where my age is catching up to me. I didn't realize how bad it would be, but it's BAD! I feel like even when I'm careful I still gain weight!<br />
3. Smoking-- I quit. I actually quit. In January. Ever since then my weight has been creeping up... and it wasn't super low when I quit anyway. So that's a problem.<br />
4. Acceptance-- I have been telling myself that it's ok... I'd rather be heavy and get to eat... blah blah blah. But now none of my clothes fit. For real. It's not OK anymore.<br />
5. HIM-- Yes, him. He is heavy. He has been gaining weight since we met. Honestly, I think he's not OK with it either, but we both enable each other to eat, and that's bad.<br />
<br />
So anyway, I have a couple reasons why it's time...<br />
1. 140. Yes I crossed that line. WTF. I've never been over that line unless it had to do with building a small child, it's just not acceptable.<br />
2. Clothing-- I don't WANT to buy a new, fat wardrobe! Especially since I'm older than HIM, I need to stay looking good!<br />
3. The ring-- I expect to become engaged within the next year. It's important to me that I look good, not for him, but truly for me. I want to look good in engagement pictures. And since we won't be getting married for a couple years, I am going to actually do engagement pictures.<br />
4. The neighborhood-- I'm back in the snooty neighborhood. The friends aren't friends anymore, but I want to make some new ones.<br />
5. Me. I like being skinny. I like having that one thing that I can hold over others, just in my own mind. It's a willpower thing. I like the challenge.<br />
<br />
So, HE is working 2nd shift this week. I won't see him again until Saturday. I can get away with not eating, and I'm going to. 5 day water fast.<br />
<br />
I started last night at 6pm. It was intentional. I had some water with MIO (0 calorie) at about 8pm.<br />
This morning I had black coffee. and water. It's lunchtime right now, I"m on about 17 hours. I'm hungry, but it's manageable. I know dinner time is going to be hard, but I'm making plans. I have to take my car to the shop after work. I may be tutoring tonight. And I'm coloring my hair. Whenever I need to commit to something, I make a change in my hair. I'm trying to not cut it (remember, the ring) so coloring is the next best thing.<br />
<br />
So that's today's plan. I will be successful. I will check in tomorrow (or maybe later tonight) on what it feels like. </div>
Brooklynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11897270152869799636noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-407021535472922588.post-64931297843529132672017-03-10T06:48:00.001-05:002017-03-10T06:48:12.878-05:00Dimensions<p dir="ltr">46.5 x 22 countertop... 45 x 21 cabinet... I'm always working on something, and right now that something is my house. I'm selling to move to the kid's district. So i have gone 2 days without exercise. Haven't done that in ages. But for a while my focus will be on home improvement instead of me improvement. </p>
Brooklynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11897270152869799636noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-407021535472922588.post-15785540865922084392017-02-28T08:31:00.001-05:002017-02-28T08:31:11.864-05:00Reality<p dir="ltr">I got my new scale... I am 131. With a bmi of 24.1, just inside of healthy. Gross. Fat percent was way higher than i expected... I cant remember the number tho. Just did a bmr calculator, and i really have a bmr of only 1300. That means i have to eat 800 or less just to lose 1 lb per week. Oh well... Thats reality. Now i know why i only lose weight if i super restrict. </p>
Brooklynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11897270152869799636noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-407021535472922588.post-13654342359463521162017-02-26T20:50:00.002-05:002017-02-26T20:50:19.776-05:00Trying something to keep me accountable<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
I've been running. I've been working out. But I have not been watching my diet. And it is causing some serious problems. I feel like I'm gaining weight, and fast. I'm not sure why. But there it is.<br />
<br />
So I ordered a scale. One that connects to my phone app and tracks not just weight but also body fat and water and bone and muscle. I'm hoping to see some changes, but I know I only will if I keep better control of the diet part.<br />
<br />
Thus my plan...<br />
I'm going to take pictures of every thing I eat. Like everything. I can't eat it unless I take a picture.<br />
I know that sounds ridiculous, but i figure I will actually stop eating some of the junk if I have to take a picture of it. And if I do keep eating, at least I will have a record of what I actually ate. That includes morning coffee, soda, everything. Anything that passes my lips except for water.<br />
<br />
Plus I'm going to continue my couch to 10k running plan. I just finished week 1 today, and for some weird reason it actually hurt. It gets harder this week. I would normally do Monday, Wednesday, Friday... except last week I did Wednesday, Saturday, Sunday... So I have already done 2 days in a row and I know I was dragging today. I need a day off of the running apparently. So anyway, college spring break this week means I'm home by 4:30 most days. I'll do Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday. Then next week I will be back on MWF. If I can keep up with this and only repeat weeks a couple of times I will be ready for my 10k in July. I'm kinda excited.<br />
<br />
Anyway, so i'm going to see if I can figure how to post my pics here. Follow along and wish me luck!</div>
Brooklynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11897270152869799636noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-407021535472922588.post-77024822100433863112017-02-21T14:18:00.002-05:002017-02-21T14:18:21.473-05:00Hello Again!<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
So I'm trying something new.<br />
<br />
I have been trying to do things for myself. In fact, I made a huge set of changes at new years. And since it's now February 21, I'd say that any of those changes that is still going is likely a permanent change, right?<br />
<br />
I quit smoking.<br />
For real. For me.<br />
I started drinking more water... and because of that I stopped drinking soda. That part was an accident, but it happened. It's good, water is cheaper!<br />
<br />
I started exercising.<br />
I want to run.<br />
I want to run a 10k.<br />
I've never been a runner in my life, but I'm trying. I'm not doing great, but it's better than I was.<br />
<br />
And I got injured already. Suck. I have gone almost a week without exercise because of my stupid toe. But I realized I needed new running shoes (apparently you're supposed to go up at least 1/2 size? didn't know that)... Ordered them yesterday. They will take a week to come in. Right now my toe is wrapped. First it was an infection. Then where I had it wrapped turned into a blistered rash. Now I'm dealing with the rash, but at least the pain (which was ridiculously bad) is gone.<br />
<br />
Anyway, I just downloaded an app on my phone for the couch to 10k. I'm excited to use it. But I probably shouldn't run until I get my new shoes. But I still need to go to the gym today while I can, I can do other exercise. weights. Those are good.<br />
<br />
My weight... well, I don't want to talk about it. First I was OK, then I focused on the training more than the diet. Weight went up. Yes, I care... it's awful. I don't know what to do. What to focus on.<br />
<br />
But really, I quit smoking! I never thought I could do that.<br />
<br />
Victory.</div>
Brooklynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11897270152869799636noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-407021535472922588.post-30897194647612295272016-04-18T12:30:00.001-04:002016-04-18T12:30:45.931-04:00And it's time... <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
I did no carbs in the fall. It was great. I felt great, I changed everything, I was afraid of sugar and flour. I lost weight, pretty quickly too. 10 lbs in 2 months, if I remember. Maybe more than that.<br />
<br />
Then I started trying to add carbs back in, slowly, to get myself back to normal.<br />
At first I felt awful.<br />
Then I gave myself permission to eat things like breadsticks. It was bad.<br />
<br />
And now I'm back up.<br />
<br />
But school is almost done. Only 2 more weeks of college classes.<br />
<br />
And about 8 weeks left of high school.<br />
<br />
I can lose a lot of weight in 8 weeks.<br />
<br />
And I'm going to focus on myself for once. I'm doing to take the time to work out. I'm going to spend money to eat well.<br />
<br />
goal: eat 500 calories. Exercise 500 calories. Net loss of 1500 per day. I should lose 3 lbs per week of actual weight.<br />
YES!<br />
Today I had coffee and 1 scoop of protein powder in my shake for lunch. just powder plus ice plus water.<br />
<br />
Total of 210 calories.<br />
<br />
Gotta have dinner with my mom, but it will be ok. I can tell her no carbs. </div>
Brooklynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11897270152869799636noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-407021535472922588.post-26751390003525002082016-03-23T10:05:00.002-04:002016-03-23T10:05:42.905-04:00Welcome back?<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
It's been time...<br />
Lots of time.<br />
I am now working 3 jobs. Raising 3 sons half time with my ex. Taking a class at community college.<br />
And gaining weight.<br />
<br />
Life marches on.<br />
<br />
But I will make the changes I need to make.<br />
<br />
At one point during my divorce I was down to 111 lbs. People said I was skinny, but I felt great. I'm going to do that again. I have to get serious.<br />
<br />
Part of the reason I've gained is my live-in boyfriend. He is fat. He eats a lot. We go out to eat a lot. He drinks a lot of beer.<br />
<br />
And then yesterday he told me he wants to start eating salads for lunch...<br />
WHAT???<br />
<br />
OK. I had planned on starting April 1. I told him that. I haven't stepped on the scale in months. But I will on April 1.<br />
<br />
Goal is 111 by the end of the school year. That's about 3 months. 20ish lbs in 3 months. Totally doable. Especially since I will be down to only 2 jobs by the end of April so I can go to the gym.<br />
<br />
Goal is 105 by August 1. That's when I go to Disney with the family. Gonna be wearing lots of swimsuits.<br />
<br />
Method: No Carb. This works for me, at least to drop the first 10. After I'm below 120 I'm going to have to drop other stuff. But I'm starting with no carb. Plus I feel better when I do it.<br />
<br />
Anyway, so I'm back. Yay!</div>
Brooklynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11897270152869799636noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-407021535472922588.post-38806492157020846252013-01-16T18:11:00.004-05:002013-01-16T18:13:19.124-05:00Reinvention<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
As a 32 year old mother of 3, I have found myself becoming everything to everyone. I've spent so much time focused on what others want and expect of me that I don't know who I am anymore.<br />
<br />
I'm getting divorced. I'm currently about 3 months into a 6 month process.<br />
Through this time, I've found myself seeking out others for comfort. Even while in the divorce process I told my best friend that I was in love with him. I have felt that way for a long time, and it has been no secret to him-- RL. Another of my friends, M, is also going through a divorce. M decided to make it known that he was interested in me shortly before Thanksgiving, so here's the story of what has unfolded since.<br />
<br />
One night M and I ended up at a bar near his house. We chatted all night and wound up having a conversation on his couch and drinking beer. At about 2am, and I saw it coming but wasn't sure, he leaned over and kissed me. I had planned on crashing on his couch, but not knowing what was to come I decided it would be best to leave and drove the hour to the place where I was staying.<br />
The next Monday I was out with RL and our friends. I talked to RL about M, telling him that if he wanted any chance at me he needed to take it now. RL said he didn't see it working, that he really liked me, kinda loved me, but it wouldn't work. He followed that up with the fact that he was relieved and "Go M". <br />
A couple of nights later M and I again found ourselves at his place and this time continued to make out. I knew it was going to go far and fast, and I again stopped it and went to my place. That was a couple of days before Thanksgiving.<br />
The night before Thanksgiving I was planning to leave town because of a death in the family. I knew I wanted M, and as soon as we walked in the door to his place we hit the floor in a tangle. The sex was great, and we spent the evening wrapped up in each other. I was supposed to be at a party with RL that night but had skipped it because I would be driving. I left M's house at 2:30am after getting a text from RL.<br />
Thanksgiving weekend was rough. I was out of town and had to deal with family issues, homework, and mourning. I spent most of it on the phone with M. He was exactly what I needed to help me get through. RL didn't call once.<br />
The next week RL started acting weird. M and I had actually decided that we were in a relationship, and as early stages go we were totally enamoured with each other. We spent every free moment together, me staying at his place when kids weren't a factor and him stopping by my place at night when we could. Then after about a week RL started acting weird. He began saying he thought he might have screwed up in letting me go. I told him that if he ever made up his mind to let me know. Early in December he did just that. After spending a Monday night out, M included, RL was out driving until 5am and told me that he'd finally decided. He explained it simply as "I like ya". Yeah, serious lack of committment.<br />
RL started texting me even more often, and more and more odd hours of the night (which wasn't entirely weird, the frequency just increased). It began to become an issue between M and I, because I wasn't keeping secrets and he was slowly learning more and more about the truth behind RL and I. RL was showing his love to me in texts, more often when he was drunk, that he wanted me and nothing else. The fact that we were separated by 9 years and 3 kids was suddenly not an issue to him.<br />
Finally I couldn't handle it anymore. I split up with M to try things out with RL. after only 2 days I knew that it was a mistake, what I had felt for RL was faded and covered by all of the mistakes he'd made. On New Years Eve I made a begging plea to M to take me back.<br />
But that wasn't right either. I felt trapped. RL got even worse with the texts, begging me for a real chance, saying that it would all be perfect and he would prove it to me. It wasn't that, but him talking about how much pain he was in, that actually got to me. He'd helped me through some rough times and seeing him in pain really hurt me. The worst part is that he knew exactly what he was doing and what he was saying. He knew how to cause me pain.<br />
In hindsight I see that he was playing me to get what he wanted. He didn't want me to be happy, he wanted to be happy. I don't even think he realized that, but it's true.<br />
Anyway, the next Monday after New Years I ended up at the bar without M but after a long discussion about wanting space. I didn't realize how much he was caught off guard and hurt by the conversation. Later that night M and I ended up having a fight, basically he pushed some buttons that my ex-husband has really hurt me with and I freaked out, pushing some of the buttons of his ex-wife. I left and drove back to the lake, shooting a text to RL on the drive. When I arrived at my destination, RL pulled in right behind me. He spent the night just holding me.<br />
The next night RL came to my place after work. We spent the night in bed, lots of sex. The next night was more of the same. I knew that he was attached from what he said and texted me, but somehow I never really felt it. And I didn't feel anything for him back-- or at least not too much. The next night I had plans so he didn't visit, and after that we both got sick. We spent the entire weekend apart, just chatting. I was chatting with M as well, having figured that he would have expected me to run to RL but never discussing it.<br />
The following Monday I called in sick. So did both M and RL. RL came over to spend part of the day with me and I even invited M, who was going to come. Then one of my kids got sick and I had to go get them. After the kids were in bed M stopped by and we talked. We discussed the issues that we have with each other, the issues we have with ourselves, and our exes. I nearly kissed him when he left, I really wanted to, there was so much comfort there. I suddenly knew it was right, but I also was beginning to realize that all I was going to do right now was screw up again.<br />
Tuesday night he came back, bringing dinner and spending time with my kids. After the kids were in bed we discussed the fact that we both got too serious too fast. We agreed to date other people, (which was weird since we were already split up) and who knew what would happen in the future? He followed that up with "Just don't date RL, that would kill me". He didn't know. I looked down, wondering how to tell him. I finally just said "There's a reason RL and I have the same flu bug. He came over last Tuesday". M left immediately. He later came back and we discussed how much that hurt him but that I didn't do it to hurt him, I did it to try to get over him.<br />
At 1am that night (this morning) we somehow ended up texting again. He again said he was hurt that I would run off after 1 day and sleep with RL. I said I was sorry. I knew he was using that to figure out if we had actually slept together, and he asked it specifically. I simply replied "yes". "Fuck you" was all I got for a while, then a "you got what you wanted, ill never trust you again".<br />
<br />
Basically this has led me to where I am. I need to find myself. I don't know who I am anymore, and all I'm doing is hurting the people I care about most. I need to spend some time alone. I need to focus on my body and my mind.<br />
As of today I am challenging my body-- I'm going to go for 2 weeks eating nothing but soups and salad. No sweets. Nothing else. I'm going to quit smoking as soon as my pack is gone. In two weeks I'm going to stop drinking soda (I'm already cutting down). I might even give up coffee. I want to start doing exercise, at least yoga, as soon as I'm well again.<br />
I'm going to cut RL loose today. I hate to do it because it's going to hurt him, but he needs to understand that I need to do this for myself. Plus I've finally admitted to myself that this isn't going to work out anyway and it sucks that he just started wanting it, but timing ruins everything.<br />
I'd love to say that in a little bit I'll take another swing at M, because I do truly enjoy his company, but after today I think he's giving his marriage another try. I would never get in the way of that. His son deserves to have both of his parents around.<br />
I know my marriage is over. I have no desire to try that again, I know that part of the reason I'm in the situation that I'm in is because I couldn't be happy with my ex, so I'm not even going there. But I honestly hope M can be happy with his ex.<br />
So that's where I am. New year, new life. </div>
Brooklynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11897270152869799636noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-407021535472922588.post-91107205676808749652011-06-30T08:08:00.000-04:002011-06-30T08:08:06.231-04:00getting into the grooveWhy is it that getting started is so easy, but that first week is always so hard? I have no problem starting my routine, especially when I get disgusted with the fat on my body. But it's days 3-7 that are so hard. Well, I got past day 3, and today is day 6. I'm doing well. I'm watching the scale drop, though I know that soon it will start bouncing around rather than dropping every day, that's the nature of weight loss. Anyway, I'm doing well. I'm 119.0 this morning. All week I've been skipping breakfast, eating salad for lunch with some of what they're serving at the school occasionally (just salad yesterday, wasn't going to touch the taco meat, eew). Tuesday I had half a hot dog. Couldn't even bring myself to eat the whole thing, it creeped me out. Then every night I've had a small serving of whatever I cook for dinner and a large salad with kraft free dressing (only 15 cals per serving). Yesterday had cheese and mushroom quesadilla. I served the rest of the family meat, but I stayed with the mushrooms-- just as filling, and way lower cals. I hate that I ate two tortillas, but if I hadn't it would have looked fishy. <br />
<br />
So tonight my night class starts. That's great, cuz I might just skip dinner-- it will be easy. But tonight is also girls night. I brought chex mix, which I completely plan on passing on but if I skip dinner I'm afraid I might eat it. Ugh. I am going to skip the alcohol though, I'll go back to what I was doing last time I lost weight, and that was just drink diet soda while everyone else drowns their sorrows in the calories of beer. <br />
<br />
Breakfast of champions-- coffee and cigarette. Love it. <br />
<br />
So that's today. Stay strong!Brooklynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11897270152869799636noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-407021535472922588.post-73529104922136388152011-06-29T07:41:00.000-04:002011-06-29T07:41:26.421-04:00Day whatever-- first weekSo I started again on Saturday... todays weight was 119.6-- not bad, really. I still can't believe how high I let myself get. So I've kinda lost 5 lbs since Saturday, but you really can't count that cuz it was the first day of my period and I was super fat. Ugh. But I'm doing good, all things considered. Even yesterday, which was a high day, I still stayed under 1000 all day, so I should still have lost and I did. I know that the weight will be harder to get off pretty soon here, it should start slowing and bouncing around any day now. In fact I expect to be back above 120 tomorrow, no matter how well I do today. But the reality is that if I'm below 500 cals most days, I can still lose 3 lbs per week if I don't exercise, and more when classes end and I do start running. So realistically, I can be below 110 (which I've never been below since middle school) by Vegas as long as I don't screw up. And I won't. And I can't. I need to be good, how great would it be to be below 110 in Las Vegas with the girls????!!!! So that's my goal. Oh, and plus I want to look super hot next school year when we start so my work husband is drooling over me. I miss him so much. stupid summer vacation. Oh well. off to work.Brooklynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11897270152869799636noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-407021535472922588.post-58548017918759340322011-06-28T08:02:00.000-04:002011-06-28T08:02:13.475-04:00Losing for VegasAnd finally dedicated. We booked vegas, me and the girls. There will be three or four of us, maybe five depending on circumstances. But either way 3 of us have booked. We're going out on Saturday, July 30 and coming home Monday. So yeah, quick trip... but I want to look HOT! So I started on Saturday, figuring I had 5 weeks to drop 10ish pounds and get back to what I was in December before I started packing it on again. I just started my period on Saturday, so I was at a very high weight of 124.4. That was frightening. So now it's Tuesday, and my weight this morning was 120.6... I know I'm eating around 500 cals per day (salads and light or fat free dressing, with a little bit of bread for balance). I don't know how long I'll be able to keep this up though, since I'm spending every evening with the family and eating dinner with them. I was able to tell my mom that I'm dieting, so when I went to visit her she made me salads and stuff-- my mom is cool. I think if she had the willpower she'd be ana, but like me she goes in spurts. She will lose a ton of weight, then put some of it back on, etc. I do the same thing. I was down below 115 (lowest was around 112.4 I think) in December. Honestly, if I can keep to around 500 cals per day with no mistakes, I will lose 3 pounds per week (my fitbit told me I'm burning around 2000-2200 each day). So just 5 weeks of this, then I'll look superhot in Vegas. Yay vegas!!! OK, off to find some thinspo to keep me going. Somehow the first week is always the hardest, then those habits become second nature. just gotta make it through the first week.Brooklynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11897270152869799636noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-407021535472922588.post-5389677939890843432011-06-08T12:19:00.000-04:002011-06-08T12:19:36.167-04:00Almost 3 months have passed...And without you ladies I've ballooned. I don't fit into the clothes that were loose on me in December. I'm fat. It's gross. And of course now it's swimsuit season, and I'm embarrassed to put one on! <br />
<br />
So this is me, take two (or two hundred). I was going to wait until school was out to start again, but I just can't face the fat anymore. <br />
<br />
I'm scared to step on the scale. That's how fat I am. I think at last weigh-in (around 2 weeks of binging ago) I was at 122. Last December I was around 112. I'm sure right now I'm closer to 125-- and all flab! I haven't had the time to exercise. I'm going to make the time! <br />
<br />
Schedule:<br />
Monday-- AM run (start with 20 minutes and go up from there), PM pilates DVD<br />
Tuesday-- AM swim (start with 20 minutes and go up from there), pm homework<br />
Wednesday-- AM run, PM class<br />
Thursday-- AM swim, PM girls night (no eating!!!)<br />
Friday-- AM off, PM class (one day off exercise)<br />
Saturday-- naptime run, PM shred or P90X<br />
Sunday-- naptime P90X<br />
<br />
In a couple weeks my schedule will switch to classes Tues and Thurs instead of Mon, Wed... So I'll just switch out. Plus I won't be working, so I'll be able to do my exercise during the day. <br />
<br />
Food: <br />
2 week cleanse-- for me, this means ONLY fruits and veggies for the next 2 weeks. I'm curious what that will do to my system, but I've learned that limiting myself or setting these rules tends to work for me. My hubby is going to freak out though, so I might have to supplement a little at dinner time. If I do eat something else though, I need to keep it below 300 calories. Doable. <br />
<br />
So I'll step on the damn scale tomorrow to give you all a true starting weight. <br />
<br />
Here's the truth though-- I'm scared shitless. I'm scared that I won't be able to get back down to where I was. But I just have to remind myself, it's one pound at a time. Not 10, not the 20 or 25 I really want to lose. Just one pound is a success. <br />
<br />
Here's to success!Brooklynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11897270152869799636noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-407021535472922588.post-18392410995588692532011-03-16T09:15:00.000-04:002011-03-16T09:15:28.788-04:00hmmm, rules are the keyI never thought about it... but I'm learning that making myself "rules" is the key. I gave up chocolate and fried foods for lent, that's a rule for me. And now I've made myself a rule that I'm not allowed to eat after the kids are in bed. Somehow just the thought of this rule keeps me from doing it. Wow, who knew?<br />
<br />
yesterday was OK, I guess... I didn't eat till dinner. Dinner came and I had 6 croutons (30), 11 goldfish crackers (30), then of course shoveled two of the pancakes I was making for the kids into my mouth. Then I had a salad, lettuce, 2 slices of ham, 2 mushrooms, and salsa for dressing. Total of about 200? And another pancake. Afterward I felt super guilty, so I p'd. It's so funny too, cuz 3 months ago I couldn't do that no matter how badly I wanted to, no matter how much I binged, and now I just do when I feel like it. It's hard when others are around, so I don't do it (it's easy to see in my face, I need to work on that) but right now DH is gone so I can. <br />
<br />
Scale this morning: 116.4-- still gross. <br />
<br />
I'm going to keep my rules close, they keep me sane and safe. <br />
<br />
Stay strong ladies.Brooklynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11897270152869799636noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-407021535472922588.post-68741324004738067772011-03-15T12:00:00.000-04:002011-03-15T12:00:07.251-04:00following the programI ate a salad for dinner-- lettuce, mushrooms, salsa, and a few croutons. That's it.<br />
<br />
Weight this morning-- an embarassing 117.4<br />
<br />
but I'm re-reading Wasted, and that keeps me going. <br />
<br />
I need this to be a lifestyle change, not just a quick fix. I need to get back into the rhythm. I remember before, I was scared to eat even a few bites of scrambled egg for breakfast. Where did that go? How did I swing back so far the other way? Ugh, gotta get back to this~!Brooklynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11897270152869799636noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-407021535472922588.post-18560640434458404282011-03-14T10:47:00.000-04:002011-03-14T10:47:50.140-04:00Why can't I do this?I am having trouble getting started again. Does that make sense? Even with goals and reasons, I just can't get back into it. I will be good for a couple days, and then it just all disappears. <br />
<br />
So I gave up chocolate and fried foods for lent. Lent is a totally acceptable excuse to get some horrid things out of my diet, and it works great when people bring in donuts to work (Oh, I can't eat that, I gave up fried foods for lent). For a while I was running again, too. But right now DH is out of town so I can't. <br />
<br />
My work life is falling apart, leading to stress eating. I wish I could just focus the stress to NOT eating instead. I'm working on that. <br />
<br />
I started reading Wasted again, hoping to get myself back in that mindset. I was pretty good yesterday, but I ate all 3 meals which is not typical of me when I'm trying to lose weight. But they were small. <br />
<br />
Today I'm skipping breakfast and lunch. Maybe I can skip dinner too, since DH is gone. We'll see. <br />
<br />
April 9. I have to see one old friend and meet a whole bunch of her friends that day, so I need to be hot. Plus April 15, well, it's a work thing but I really want to be undeniably attractive by then. <br />
<br />
I'm scared to step on the scale. I was going to do it today, but I'm seriously way too frightened of what it will say. <br />
<br />
My goal is to stop pooping. I miss the days when I only pooped once a week at most. I need to get back to that. <br />
<br />
Sorry about the absence, or the rant. I'm losing my mind. <br />
<br />
Love you girls, stay strong!Brooklynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11897270152869799636noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-407021535472922588.post-61064735447908556632011-02-25T08:52:00.000-05:002011-02-25T08:52:57.687-05:00Day 3So last night was Bunco... basically it's ladies night with dice. I'm thrilled because I turned my $5 into $30, so YAY! On the other hand, I was going to be good, but somebody brought fudge, and I had a couple pieces. But no alcohol, at least, so kept the liquid calories at bay. <br />
<br />
So I expected the scale to go up this morning, I was hoping desparately to be below 120 still... I had a pleasant surprise to see 115.6! Honestly, after having lunch yesterday I ate a really tiny serving of dinner which was chicken and salsa with a little cheese and had only about 1/4 of a tortilla (to save myself the extra 120 cals) instead of eating a burrito like I had planned. Overall, including the fudge, I'd guess my calorie count was probably around 1300. Which is slightly below my BMR. But I also think my body is still adjusting to the calorie drop so I'm losing weight quick right now. Oh, and I pooped. <br />
<br />
I was thinking the other day how I really miss not pooping! When I was eating too little to poop, I was always concerned. But now I've been pooping like every day or two and really that's just gross! I am sooooo looking forward to getting back down to a point where I don't poop at all anymore... that's kinda a part of my drive. Is that weird?<br />
<br />
I'm hoping I can fast for at least a day, since DH is leaving today so he won't be around for dinner, and skipping lunch is easy at work. So the plan is to fast for today and probably tomorrow, and Sunday too if I can make it through. I think a 3-day fast would be great for my body and help clean out my system a little bit from all the CRAP I was eating! Not to mention help me drop an extra pound or two, right??? <br />
<br />
Help me stay strong ladies! I need a texting buddy, from the US, is anybody up for it???Brooklynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11897270152869799636noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-407021535472922588.post-44831804021521802192011-02-24T09:43:00.001-05:002011-02-24T15:07:20.810-05:00Day 2Day 1 was a success. Total calorie intake was around 400. I didn't get to work out at all (except between the sheets) but I did go to sleep at like 8pm! I love getting extra sleep. Somehow right now I feel like I need tons of sleep, and I think it's because I'm out of shape again. I haven't been exercising at all. I'm looking forward to the weather getting nicer so that I can go for a run on Monday and Friday, when I actually get a lunch break. <br />
<br />
Anyway, yesterday the scale (my starting point) was an embarrassing 121.6 lbs. It hasn't been that high since before I started my weight loss journey in October/November! Gross. <br />
<br />
Today it was a much more manageable 118.2. That's more OK for me. At least to start, it is. I am working down. My goal is below 110 by April 15, and ultimately below 100 by the time summer vacation starts. Both are totally doable goals. <br />
<br />
I'm getting back to the point where I'm embracing the hunger feeling. Yesterday I was so hungry leaving work (I hadn't eaten at all, I used to do that all the time) and I just stepped back and thought "This feeling is hunger. what does it really feel like? is it really pain? interesting" and just thought about what it truly felt like. My mind was categorizing it with pain, but it truly wasn't pain, it was something different. If you actually concentrate on the feeling, you realize that it's not truly pain but something else entirely. <br />
<br />
Right now I'm sitting at work and my stomach is growling something awful. I'm going to lie my way out of a work lunch but I need to stop making noises!!! I'm going to go chug some water and hope that works. <br />
<br />
I've really missed you girls, thanks for not bailing on me. Stay strong!<br />
<br />
<br />
ETA: Ate lunch, cuz it was a lunch meeting and I looked weird. I just had a salad and the smallest grilled chicken wrap I could find, with salsa dressing. Then I had a snack size almond joy candy bar. I added in my dinner cals on myfitnesspal already and am going to end the day around 900 calories. Gross. almost double my daily limit, and tonight is Bunko so I won't be able to exercise at all to burn them off. Maybe I'll have to exercise in the morning or something. oh well, DH is gone this weekend so maybe I'll fast for a while, or just live on cereal with water. I could do that!Brooklynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11897270152869799636noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-407021535472922588.post-63051661371610383082011-02-23T09:55:00.001-05:002011-02-23T09:55:52.850-05:00Do-overRemember being a kid and asking for a do-over?<br />
<br />
That's what I'm asking for. <br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Starting today, I'm taking a do-over. Back in November I dropped from 121 to 115. Then down as far as 112 in December. Now I'm back up that 10 lbs. Gross. <br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Do-over. <br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
500 cals per day yields 2.1 lbs per week. I can lose 10 lbs in 5 weeks, before my trip, and be happy again. <br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Dedication is the name of the game.Brooklynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11897270152869799636noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-407021535472922588.post-13302870018739758822011-02-03T12:57:00.000-05:002011-02-03T12:57:41.690-05:00maybe time for a breakI'm always angry at myself, I'm only doing worse. I don't know if it's because DH is gone so much right now, or what. I think I need my depression to come back for me to get back into this right, and I really don't want to invite Mia to the party. <br />
<br />
Also I'm embarrassed. Every time I log in here I'm embarrassed. I see you all doing so well, and I am just weak. I need the weather to get better, swimsuit season to get closer, and myself to get fatter quite honestly to kick-start my disgust again and get me started. This time once I start, I don't intend to stop until I'm below 100. <br />
<br />
I honestly lost about 12 more pounds. 2 years ago I was happy at 135. Then last summer I was thrilled to be at 128. Now I'm disgusted at 118. Progress. But not enough. I will come back, I promise you all that. But I can't put myself out there when I'm so disgusted with myself all the time. I need some time for me. I need my fitbit. I need a break. <br />
<br />
Thanks ladies for always supporting me and being there for me. I wish you all the best of luck in whatever you do. If you unfollow me, I totally understand. If you don't, one day in a couple months you'll see another post pop up from me and you'll know I've had enough. I hope that day is sooner rather than later. Until then, stay strong lovelies.Brooklynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11897270152869799636noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-407021535472922588.post-38307154806686130962011-02-01T11:17:00.000-05:002011-02-01T11:17:23.095-05:00forward...Shebeelu-- do not EVER feel guilty for honesty, or for support, whether "pro" or "con"... If I didn't want honest comments I wouldn't make it public! Please don't ever feel bad for posting something, I'm truly just happy that you care enough to comment at all ;)<br />
<br />
Fed Up and Anafly-- I never knew the calorie tracking love until I got one... Amazing!<br />
<br />
<br />
I stayed at about 900 cals yesterday, which I'm OK with right now. That will still have me losing, but not super fast. I will have some days that are significantly lower than that I'm sure, and some days where my workouts will put me below 500 for net so that's great! I had to laugh, because my app told me today "if you continue this trend for 5 weeks you will weigh 112 lbs" LOL! I had put in a slightly higher start weight because I'm afraid to step on the scale right now plus I just started my period (finally, about 2 weeks late) so it's an estimate. It also told me that I wasn't eating enough and that this amount of calories would put me into starvation mode... Yeah right, 900 cals is NOT starvation! Under 400, sure, but not 900. <br />
<br />
So now I just have to get my exercise motivation back. I've been so exhausted lately, and maybe part of it is that I'm not exercising, but it makes me not want to exercise cuz I'm too tired! It's a crappy circle. So tonight it will end. Tonight I'm going to either run or do a TON of DDR. That's the fun way to work out ;)<br />
<br />
Anyway, hope the motivation from the app keeps up, I need it! Stay strong lovelies.Brooklynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11897270152869799636noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-407021535472922588.post-91884457255480170352011-01-31T13:52:00.000-05:002011-01-31T13:52:35.762-05:00HonestyI don't know if my heart is in this anymore.<br />
<br />
Firstly-- Skittles, thank you for your brutal honesty. I'm disappointed in me too. It's actually a great reality check to see that someone else is. <br />
<br />
Mouse and Shebeelu-- I'm watching out, I know that inviting Mia in can be dangerous (I've read Wintergirls just like everyone else here, right?)... I appreciate your concern. But Mouse, it's ok to not be supportive all the time. We need the honesty here! Be honest with me.<br />
<br />
<br />
OK, now onward. <br />
I just can't get myself back into the right frame of mind for this to work. I don't know what the deal is. I think part of it is that I'm actually thinner than I've ever been in my adult life and that should be enough. But the reality is that I still HATE the way I look, I still jiggle, and I still feel guilty when I do eat more than I should. The main answer to that is to just not eat those things! So why can't I do it??? I was doing great for about a month right before Christmas, and now I'm totally derailed. <br />
<br />
I got a new app on my phone to count calories and stuff, and it's got a barcode scanner included! Super cool, so I just scanned the barcode from my can of soup for lunch and all the info was dropped right in. I LOVE it! <br />
<br />
Today I'm at 340 already. I'm just hoping that I'll be good at and after dinner, knowing that I'm starting out way higher than normal. I need to go grocery shopping like today, there's nothing healthy in the house! Hmmm, cereal (fiber 1) it is!<br />
<br />
Just gotta order me a new Fitbit and I can get back on the exercise train. It's so hard when DH travels.Brooklynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11897270152869799636noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-407021535472922588.post-11751353036366044442011-01-26T13:46:00.000-05:002011-01-26T13:46:40.735-05:00Even mia can't save me from myself...First-- thanks Shebeelu for the honest answer. Much appreciated. <br />
<br />
Second-- WTF. My willpower comes in spurts. Great this weekend, then yesterday I was good at work, got home and totally binged-- I literally stuck everything I could in my mouth, cookies, chocolate, even the heels of the bread with some honey on them. DH was home, so I couldn't purge after dinner (which was nachos). I tried in the quick time I had, but I couldn't get anything up that fast. I need to build some speed. <br />
<br />
Then after dinner I had that "I already blew it" feeling, and I started going at the sweet stuff. Another cookie with frosting, a cupcake, ice cream with chocolate syrup, a small piece of chocolate bar, it was gross. Luckily at that time DH went running, so I WAS able to get rid of it. What did I learn? 1. Chocolate syrup tastes just as good coming back up and 2. Using a toothbrush rather than my fingers is faster, easier, and keep me from getting the telltale scrapes on my knuckles. I think that time I was able to get up all or almost all of the second binge. <br />
<br />
But the scale this morning was honest-- 114.8. Gross. Up over a pound from yesterday. Granted, I hadn't pooped in 4 days, so that could be it. So this morning I stopped at the store and got pears and Fiber One cereal. I didn't know the cereal came in two separate baggies, that's awesome! And a whole baggy only has 450 calories in it. So I've got a weird meal plan, but one that will work and keep me totally satisfied. But I can only do it when people aren't around. <br />
<br />
Very simple: Daily intake will be less than 600 calories, and I can eat an entire baggy of Fiber 1 cereal PLUS a pear. Seriously, that's plenty of food for a whole day. It'll keep me regular as well. So Friday that's the plan. Today I'm just going to try to be good, me and my cereal!<br />
<br />
Stay strong :)Brooklynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11897270152869799636noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-407021535472922588.post-2404560152934662092011-01-25T09:52:00.000-05:002011-01-25T09:52:41.003-05:00113.6-- Right where I expected.I was OK yesterday. I didn't stick to my 600 calories, cuz DH got home at 4:30 instead of 7 like I expected. That meant I had to eat dinner with the family (kept it to about 600 cals though). I'd eaten some coffee cake at work and a blueberry muffin (estimate about 500 cals there, that stuff is so bad for you). <br />
<br />
Right at 8pm I was having some fierce cravings. I was planning the binge, the ice cream, the cookies, the pretzels, it all sounded so yummy. I got into the kitchen and saw the fresh pears, and my willpower turned me to a pear instead of all the sweet stuff. I did eat the whole pear, it was humongous, so I was full afterward. But that's still less than the calories in ONE of my sugar cookies, and I was seriously planning to eat about 5 of them. <br />
<br />
So on the day, about 1200-1300 calories, which is right where my BMR is, so I maintained. It shouldn't be this hard to maintain!<br />
<br />
So anyway, a girl I work with, A, yesterday asked me if I am eating. Then this morning someone else commented on how skinny I am and A was standing right there. She looked at the other girl and said "Yeah, I asked her if she's eating cuz she's so skinny now but she says she is" but she said it as though she didn't believe me. Um, wow. First, I'm not that skinny! I was wearing a freaking huge sweater and a long skirt that covers everything. Secondly, I DID eat at work yesterday, at least in the morning... not my fault she wasn't there to see it!<br />
<br />
So I couldn't purge yesterday cuz DH was there, but I'm actually looking forward to ladies night this week cuz I can purge on the walk home. I always feel so guilty that night because I eat so many extra calories, no matter how hard I try not to, I always end up eating. But now I can just get rid of them. I even trimmed my nails today so that they won't scratch as much. <br />
<br />
Question: Is purging addictive? The first time I did it, I had a TOTAL high for about 2 hours afterward. Is that normal? The second time I felt great, but the high was not as intense (much less food as well, not after a binge). I was just curious, I'd never heard that purging was addictive or gave you a high. <br />
<br />
Stay strong ladies.Brooklynnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11897270152869799636noreply@blogger.com1