Friday, March 10, 2017

Dimensions

46.5 x 22 countertop... 45 x 21 cabinet... I'm always working on something, and right now that something is my house. I'm selling to move to the kid's district. So i have gone 2 days without exercise. Haven't done that in ages. But for a while my focus will be on home improvement instead of me improvement.

Tuesday, February 28, 2017

Reality

I got my new scale... I am 131. With a bmi of 24.1, just inside of healthy. Gross. Fat percent was way higher than i expected... I cant remember the number tho. Just did a bmr calculator, and i really have a bmr of only 1300. That means i have to eat 800 or less just to lose 1 lb per week. Oh well... Thats reality. Now i know why i only lose weight if i super restrict.

Sunday, February 26, 2017

Trying something to keep me accountable

I've been running. I've been working out. But I have not been watching my diet. And it is causing some serious problems. I feel like I'm gaining weight, and fast. I'm not sure why. But there it is.

So I ordered a scale. One that connects to my phone app and tracks not just weight but also body fat and water and bone and muscle. I'm hoping to see some changes, but I know I only will if I keep better control of the diet part.

Thus my plan...
I'm going to take pictures of every thing I eat. Like everything. I can't eat it unless I take a picture.
I know that sounds ridiculous, but i figure I will actually stop  eating some of the junk if I have to take a picture of it. And if I do keep  eating, at least I will have a record of what I actually ate. That includes morning coffee, soda, everything. Anything that passes my lips except for water.

Plus I'm going to continue my couch to 10k running plan. I just finished week 1 today, and for some weird reason it actually hurt. It gets harder this week. I would normally do Monday, Wednesday, Friday... except last week I did Wednesday, Saturday, Sunday... So I have already done 2 days in a row and I know I was dragging today. I need a day off of the running apparently. So anyway, college spring break this week means I'm home by 4:30 most days. I'll do Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday. Then next week I will be back on MWF. If I can keep up with this and only repeat weeks a couple of times I will be ready for my 10k in July. I'm kinda excited.

Anyway, so i'm going to see if I can figure how to post my pics here. Follow along and wish me luck!

Tuesday, February 21, 2017

Hello Again!

So I'm trying something new.

I have been trying to do things for myself. In fact, I made a huge set of changes at new years. And since it's now February 21, I'd say that any of those changes that is still going is likely a permanent change, right?

I quit smoking.
For real. For me.
I started drinking more water... and because of that I stopped drinking soda. That part was an accident, but it happened. It's good, water is cheaper!

I started exercising.
I want to run.
I want to run a 10k.
I've never been a runner in my life, but I'm trying. I'm not doing great, but it's better than I was.

And I got injured already. Suck. I have gone almost a week without exercise because of my stupid toe. But I realized I needed new running shoes (apparently you're supposed to go up at least 1/2 size? didn't know that)... Ordered them yesterday. They will take a week to come in. Right now my toe is wrapped. First it was an infection. Then where I had it wrapped turned into a blistered rash. Now I'm dealing with the rash, but at least the pain (which was ridiculously bad) is gone.

Anyway, I just downloaded an app on my phone for the couch to 10k. I'm excited to use it. But I probably shouldn't run until I get my new shoes. But I still need to go to the gym today while I can, I can do other exercise. weights. Those are good.

My weight... well, I don't want to talk about it. First I was OK, then I focused on the training more than the diet. Weight went up. Yes, I care... it's awful. I don't know what to do. What to focus on.

But really, I quit smoking! I never thought I could do that.

Victory.

Monday, April 18, 2016

And it's time...

I did no carbs in the fall. It was great. I felt great, I changed everything, I was afraid of sugar and flour. I lost weight, pretty quickly too. 10 lbs in 2 months, if I remember. Maybe more than that.

Then I started trying to add carbs back in, slowly, to get myself back to normal.
At first I felt awful.
Then I gave myself permission to eat things like breadsticks. It was bad.

And now I'm back up.

But school is almost done. Only 2 more weeks of college classes.

And about 8 weeks left of high school.

I can lose a lot of weight in 8 weeks.

And I'm going to focus on myself for once. I'm doing to take the time to work out. I'm going to spend money to eat well.

goal: eat 500 calories. Exercise 500 calories. Net loss of 1500 per day. I should lose 3 lbs per week of actual weight.
YES!
Today I had coffee and 1 scoop of protein powder in my shake for lunch. just powder plus ice plus water.

Total of 210 calories.

Gotta have dinner with my mom, but it will be ok. I can tell her no carbs.

Wednesday, March 23, 2016

Welcome back?

It's been time...
Lots of time.
I am now working 3 jobs. Raising 3 sons half time with my ex. Taking a class at community college.
And gaining weight.

Life marches on.

But I will make the changes I need to make.

At one point during my divorce I was down to 111 lbs. People said I was skinny, but I felt great. I'm going to do that again. I have to get serious.

Part of the reason I've gained is my live-in boyfriend. He is fat. He eats a lot. We go out to eat a lot. He drinks a lot of beer.

And then yesterday he told me he wants to start eating salads for lunch...
WHAT???

OK. I had planned on starting April 1. I told him that. I haven't stepped on the scale in months. But I will on April 1.

Goal is 111 by the end of the school year. That's about 3 months. 20ish lbs in 3 months. Totally doable. Especially since I will be down to only 2 jobs by the end of April so I can go to the gym.

Goal is 105 by August 1. That's when I go to Disney with the family. Gonna be wearing lots of swimsuits.

Method: No Carb. This works for me, at least to drop the first 10. After I'm below 120 I'm going to have to drop other stuff. But I'm starting with no carb. Plus I feel better when I do it.

Anyway, so I'm back. Yay!

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Reinvention

As a 32 year old mother of 3, I have found myself becoming everything to everyone. I've spent so much time focused on what others want and expect of me that I don't know who I am anymore.

I'm getting divorced. I'm currently about 3 months into a 6 month process.
Through this time, I've found myself seeking out others for comfort. Even while in the divorce process I told my best friend that I was in love with him. I have felt that way for a long time, and it has been no secret to him-- RL. Another of my friends, M, is also going through a divorce. M decided to make it known that he was interested in me shortly before Thanksgiving, so here's the story of what has unfolded since.

One night M and I ended up at a bar near his house. We chatted all night and wound up having a conversation on his couch and drinking beer. At about 2am, and I saw it coming but wasn't sure, he leaned over and kissed me. I had planned on crashing on his couch, but not knowing what was to come I decided it would be best to leave and drove the hour to the place where I was staying.
The next Monday I was out with RL and our friends. I talked to RL about M, telling him that if he wanted any chance at me he needed to take it now. RL said he didn't see it working, that he really liked me, kinda loved me, but it wouldn't work. He followed that up with the fact that he was relieved and "Go M". 
A couple of nights later M and I again found ourselves at his place and this time continued to make out. I knew it was going to go far and fast, and I again stopped it and went to my place. That was a couple of days before Thanksgiving.
The night before Thanksgiving I was planning to leave town because of a death in the family. I knew I wanted M, and as soon as we walked in the door to his place we hit the floor in a tangle. The sex was great, and we spent the evening wrapped up in each other. I was supposed to be at a party with RL that night but had skipped it because I would be driving. I left M's house at 2:30am after getting a text from RL.
Thanksgiving weekend was rough. I was out of town and had to deal with family issues, homework, and mourning. I spent most of it on the phone with M. He was exactly what I needed to help me get through. RL didn't call once.
The next week RL started acting weird. M and I had actually decided that we were in a relationship, and as early stages go we were totally enamoured with each other. We spent every free moment together, me staying at his place when kids weren't a factor and him stopping by my place at night when we could. Then after about a week RL started acting weird. He began saying he thought he might have screwed up in letting me go. I told him that if he ever made up his mind to let me know. Early in December he did just that. After spending a Monday  night out, M included, RL was out driving until 5am and told me that he'd finally decided. He explained it simply as "I like ya". Yeah, serious lack of committment.
RL started texting me even more often, and more and more odd hours of the night (which wasn't entirely weird, the frequency just increased). It began to become an issue between M and I, because I wasn't keeping secrets and he was slowly learning more and more about the truth behind RL and I. RL was showing his love to me in texts, more often when he was drunk, that he wanted me and nothing else. The fact that we were separated by 9 years and 3 kids was suddenly  not an issue to him.
Finally I couldn't handle it anymore. I split up with M to try things out with RL. after only 2 days I knew that it was a mistake, what I had felt for RL was faded and covered by all of the mistakes he'd made. On New Years Eve I made a begging plea to M to take me back.
But that wasn't right either. I felt trapped. RL got even worse with the texts, begging me for a real chance, saying that it would all be perfect and he would prove it to me. It wasn't that, but him talking about how much pain he was in, that actually got to me. He'd helped me through some rough times and seeing him in pain really hurt me. The worst part is that he knew exactly what he was doing and what he was saying. He knew how to cause me pain.
In hindsight I see that he was playing me to get what he wanted. He didn't want me to be happy, he wanted to be happy. I don't even think he realized that, but it's true.
Anyway, the next Monday after New Years I ended up at the bar without M but after a long discussion about wanting space. I didn't realize how much he was caught off guard and hurt by the conversation. Later that night M and I ended up having a fight, basically he pushed some buttons that my ex-husband has really hurt me with and I freaked out, pushing some of the buttons of his ex-wife. I left and drove back to the lake, shooting a text to RL on the drive. When I arrived at my destination, RL pulled in right behind me. He spent the night just holding me.
The next night RL came to my place after work. We spent the night in bed, lots of sex. The next night was more of the same. I knew that he was attached from what he said and texted me, but somehow I never really felt it. And I didn't feel anything for him back-- or at least not too much. The next night I had plans so he didn't visit, and after that we both got sick. We spent the entire weekend apart, just chatting. I was chatting with M as well, having figured that he would have expected me to run to RL but never discussing it.
The following Monday I called in sick. So did both M and RL. RL came over to spend part of the day with me and I even invited M, who was going to come. Then one of my kids got sick and I had to go get them. After the kids were in bed M stopped by and we talked. We discussed the issues that we have with each other, the issues we have with ourselves, and our exes. I nearly kissed him when he left, I really wanted to, there was so much comfort there. I suddenly knew it was right, but I also was beginning to realize that all I was going to do right now was screw up again.
Tuesday night he came back, bringing dinner and spending time with my kids. After the kids were in bed we discussed the fact that we both got too serious too fast. We agreed to date other people, (which was weird since we were already split up) and who knew what would happen in the future? He followed that up with "Just don't date RL, that would kill me". He didn't know. I looked down, wondering how to tell him. I finally just said "There's a reason RL and I have the same flu bug. He came over last Tuesday". M left immediately. He later came back and we discussed how much that hurt him but that I didn't do it to hurt him, I did it to try to get over him.
At 1am that night (this morning) we somehow ended up texting again. He again said he was hurt that I would run off after 1 day and sleep with RL. I said I was sorry. I knew he was using that to figure out if we had actually slept together, and he asked it specifically. I simply replied "yes". "Fuck you" was all I got for a while, then a "you got what you wanted, ill never trust you again".

Basically this has led me to where I am. I need to find myself. I don't know who I am anymore, and all I'm doing is hurting the people I care about most. I need to spend some time alone. I need to focus on my body and my mind.
As of today I am challenging my body-- I'm going to go for 2 weeks eating nothing but soups and salad. No sweets. Nothing else. I'm going to quit smoking as soon as my pack is gone. In two weeks I'm going to stop drinking soda (I'm already cutting down). I might even give up coffee. I want to start doing exercise, at least yoga, as soon as I'm well again.
I'm going to cut RL loose today. I hate to do it because it's going to hurt him, but he needs to understand that I need to do this for myself. Plus I've finally admitted to myself that this isn't going to work out anyway and  it sucks that he just started wanting it, but timing ruins everything.
I'd love to say that in a little bit I'll take another swing at M, because I do truly enjoy his company, but after today I think he's giving his marriage another try. I would never get in the way of that. His son deserves to have both of his parents around.
I know my marriage is over. I have no desire to try that again, I know that part of the reason I'm in the situation that I'm in is because I couldn't be happy with my ex, so I'm not even going there. But I honestly hope M can be happy with his ex.
So that's where I am. New year, new life.