Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Still on track, sort of....

So it's difficult for me to post when I'm not at work, in case you all haven't noticed. When I'm at home with family it's impossible to get the privacy I need. I'm stealing a couple minutes to do a quick update.

My weight this morning: 113.6. Not great, but really, considering it was back up to 116 a couple days ago (after a complete binge Sunday) I'm not complaining. I've also found some time to run, since I'm off work this week. So a bit of running yesterday and today. And I dug out my hoodia lollipops, so I had one today for the first time in a while. I forgot how good those darn things are! It did curb the hunger, but I was still "craving" something, ya know?

It's so much easier to not eat at work, then just eat dinner. Staying at home all day, with or without family, it's just too tempting to be close to the kitchen. I'm doing pretty well, but if I were working I wouldn't eat anything at all during the day. Oh well, I figure if I can simply maintain over the holiday break, I'll be doing better than most Americans! Yes, I'm still trying to lose, but I'm not going to beat myself up about it as long as I'm not back up above 115 again when I go back to work.

Anyway, stay strong ladies. Sorry no comments on blogs today, I don't have the time. I miss you all :)

Friday, December 17, 2010

Um, well...

Firstly-- thanks ladies for the supportive comments. I think that's why I keep coming back here, you all know how it is, the ups and downs, and it's just nice to be able to vent to someone who understands.

OK, on to yesterday. So I said I was going to fast, skip dinner, etc. And then not eat again until dinner tonight. That would be a 44 hour fast. Well, I'm on hour 34!!! I was good all day (wait, I had one tiny bite of a mint cookie because someone asked me to taste theirs and I couldn't say "no, I refuse to taste your cookie" without looking like I was crazy). Skipped breakfast and lunch (that's super easy at work now, yay), and then at dinner time I got DH and the kids dinner, did some chores and ran out for my holiday party (OH, after pooping, which totally made me happy to get some out, at least the binge was good for something). I told them all we were having pizza at the party (and we were). Then I got there and told everyone I'd just eaten with my family. Well, they had pizza, and bread sticks, and salad, and trail mix on all the tables, and most of the gifts were food, seriously food everywhere! Plus it was a bar, so liquid calories were had by all, all but me! I was going to have some salad, but I realized there was dressing on it, and I don't eat Caesar dressing. The dinner part was hard, and I'm sure people thought I was odd for not eating, but since they'd all heard me say I'd eaten with my family, it was OK. OH, and then someone asked me what I'd had for dinner, and for a second I panicked. Then I said "Oh, we all had Belgian waffles"... well, the kids had waffles. I didn't. DH had leftovers. Oh well, white lie. But that stupid question caught me so off guard, I need to be more prepared for it in the future.

So then I went to visit my friend T for ladies night (the two others were sick, and T and I are closer than anyone else). Had some smokes and some soda. Got home at 11:30, and pooped AGAIN! So now I figure I'm totally empty, I'd pooped 3 times since yesterday's uber-high weigh in. So I stepped on the scale before bed.................... ................. 115.2!!!!! I was thrilled, also, knowing that I'd be less this morning.

So this morning's weight, well, let's just say I had to re-check it 3 times. It was, an all time low since I was about 15 years old, 113 lbs! OMG, 113!!! I'm super excited, and I am just going to eat dinner tonight, so hopefully I won't gain too much from dinner, though I actually do expect to gain a little. But my big thing is that I hit my next goal, and blew way past it!!! HOORAYYYYYY!!!!!!

I know, I have a long way to go, but another goal down is progress in my book :)

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Total binge day...

Firstly, thanks for the replies about my poop problem... glad to hear I'm not alone, and yet I wish it weren't a problem... well, I had a small solution yesterday.

So after my depression (which I had no right to be depressed, I don't get it) I had a total binge day. I had a small doughnut for breakfast, then I had a cup of fruit at my meeting, then I had 1/2 a turkey sandwich (I did take off the top slice of bread and the cheese though, yay me) and two bowls of soup (1 white chicken chili, 1 chicken noodle). Then for dinner I had 2 slices of pizza (homemade), about 30 sugared pecans, 4 cookies, and a huge slice of banana bread. And then at bedtime I had about 3 servings of tortilla chips and hummus.

Yup. total heifer day. But you know what? I pooped! Not a lot, but a bit, which is progress, right? So here I am figuring I pooped out at least a LITTLE weight, as I step on the scale this morning. I knew I'd gained from the crazy binges, but I guessed 116.2-- I WISH! I weighed in today at 117.0. I am in total shock, I actually gasped, and then nearly broke into tears. I vowed to do a 44 hour fast (from my hummus and chips last night until dinner on Friday). I can easily not eat at work, and tonight is our work social party, so I'm going to go home first, I'll tell DH I'm going to eat at the party, then when I get there I'll say I ate at home with the fam. I figure 44 hours should get me back down at least around 116.0. I NEED to be below 115.0 by Christmas, that's 9 days. I can do it.

Off to do some work. Stay strong lovelies.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

I should be thrilled, but...

I don't get it. I've been great. I've been careful about what I eat, staying below 800 calories every day, below 500 most days. I've been just eating dinner when I can.

And my weight is at an all time low-- 115.6 yesterday, 115.4 today. So I know I'm doing well.

And I'm not happy. Not one bit. I thought being at an all time low would make me happy. Maybe it's just because I know I have SOOOO far to go until I am where I want to be. Maybe it's just because I'm totally depressed, not much of anything makes me excited anymore. But I thought at least my weight loss would make me excited.

Oh well. Here's what's been going on. Monday-- I was awesome after the awful weekend. I didn't eat anything until dinner, and then I made burritos, and I ate about half of mine and the rest went to the dog. I told DH I wasn't feeling well from all of the cookies I'd eaten Sunday (I hadn't eaten THAT many, but any excuse is a good one in my book). Tuesday, that was going to be the challenge. It was the holiday feast day at my work, but luckily I had to be in another building for most of the day. So I avoided food in the morning, and when I got to my other meeting I'd happily missed that breakfast. So far so good. Well, then came lunch. I knew it would be odd if I didn't eat, and it was just a taco bar. I skipped the meat, took a tortilla (small, soft, about 160 I'm guessing) and a small serving of rice with beans (probably around 100 cals). Plus I had a ton of lettuce, a little cheese (50) and a ton of salsa. I also grabbed a few chips (probably 100 cals, I estimate high) and skipped dessert. They didn't have any diet soda except coke, which I don't drink, so I drank water. So, meal was around 400ish cals. Got home and had dinner-- leftover night! Oh, but I roasted some asparagus (yummy). So I had a small serving of chicken (150) smothered in salsa and a TON of asparagus! Unfortunately, the asparagus had oil on it, so probably around 250 cals. It was kinda nice being able to eat a ton of food though and not feel too guilty. I am like that with broccoli, I let myself eat as much as I want. I did feel a little guilty, but if I'm going to binge, I'd rather binge on a veggie!

So anyway, I'm feeling good about the weight, but not really excited or anything. 99 is a long ways away, and I've already rethought the 99 thinking 95 is a much prettier number. Eh, we'll see.

Stay strong lovelies!

Monday, December 13, 2010

Poo question (total TMI)

Talk to me about poop... When, IF, how often...

I was down to a point where I would only poo if I'd eaten a large meal and had a cigarette, about once a week (Thursday night ladies night). Well, last Thursday nothing. And nothing since. I had an awful weekend and ate everything in sight, and still no poop.

I'm a little concerned. Should I be? Is this normal? I haven't been restricting like this for very long, so I'm still learning, but if I'm eating I should poop, right?

I've been fasting all day, I'm thinking I might have to do a flush this weekend if nothing comes by then. I can't risk it for tomorrow as I'm in meetings all day Tuesday and Wednesday, then booked solid at work Thurs and Fri. But come Saturday, DH can take the kids and I can spend the weekend in the bathroom if necessary. Plus that's a reason to not eat, play the "not feeling well" card and spend the day on the pooper.

OK, so that's my TMI worry for the day... help? Tips? Thanks ladies for the responses, we have no secrets here!


I can't believe what I allowed myself to do over the weekend. I ate like a fat person. I am so disgusted, I want to fast but I can't skip dinners with my family. I seriously would have to fast for the whole week to make up the damage that I did this weekend.

So the plan was to skip dinner Friday and breakfast Saturday, then just eat lunch and dinner with my parents. Well, Friday night driving out there I was kinda hungry. OK, I was really hungry. And the smell of the food in the car was overwhelming. So I ate 1/2 Wendy's chicken sandwich, 1/2 Wendy's double cheeseburger, 1 chicken nugget, and 6 french fries. Granted, when I was a heifer I would have eaten 3 sandwiches by myself, plus fries, plus a frosty... but still, way more calories than I'd intended, that's for sure.

Saturday-- I started good. I skipped breakfast (well, 1 bite of eggs, and the rest made it to DS2 and DS3 and the dog). Well, the problem is we're potty training DS2. So whenever he uses the potty he gets an M&M. Well, the M&M's are in the trail mix. And before I could stop myself I was eating the trail mix. Handfuls of the damn stuff. Gross. I also ate lunch, nachos, a big serving (normal from my fat days, I guess) and dinner (chili, roll, more nachos, some chicken, some french fries). And more trail mix.... lots more trail mix. Then I drove home and ate tortilla chips with hummus! WTF? Total binge day.

So of course, I swore I'd be good on Sunday. But I needed to bake cookies for holiday gifts. These cookies are awful for you-- TONS of butter and sugar. But I probably ate about 1500 calories in just cookies and dough. Ugh. Plus I ate lunch (leftover nachos and cous cous) and dinner (Stromboli, homemade, but at least I kept my portion small there and didn't go back for seconds). But then again before bed I had more chips and hummus! I don't get it. I know better than this, but the weekends are just so hard for me.

I was too embarrassed to step on the scale this morning. It was 116.8 Sunday morning, but I'm totally scared what it would have been today. It'll take more than this week just to make up for last weekend, but I'm certainly trying. Coffee is my friend :)

Stay strong lovelies, I need to this week!

Friday, December 10, 2010

Water weight?

OK, so yesterday I was thrilled to be at 117.6 after a week of eating semi-normally... and last night was "ladies night" (which I actually don't drink alcohol at anymore, apparently wine doesn't agree with me) and I had some snyders pretzels (the buffalo wing kind, OMG they are awesome), but I just couldn't stop eating them! I probably had about 500 calories, but 0 calories of liquid (I brought a 2-liter of diet 7up) so I figure I would have normally drank that many calories, it's not a total failure. All I'd eaten before that was some nachos and some sweet potatoes, probably around 400-500 cals, so while I'm not super low, I'm still below 1000 and shouldn't have gained.

So this morning I step on the scale and get 116.6... OK, so I'm thrilled, but confused. I totally feel way fatter than before I went to Vegas, and not like .6 lbs fatter, I feel about 5 lbs fatter! WTF? I think I may just be down in the liquid weight and it'll all come back to catch me later. Eh. I'm leaving tonight to go to my mom's, I'll be able to fast all day today and just say I ate in the car on the way over (I'll even have the wrappers, from the kids eating) and I can usually make it without breakfast in the morning, so my next planned eating time is lunch tomorrow. Then I'll be leaving around dinner time, but Mom will probably have me eat before I go... boooooo.... But then it's just me and the kids on Sunday, so fasting day for me :) so I'll eat Lunch and Dinner Saturday, then nothing again until Monday dinner time. Nice :)

Hopefully next week I'll drop down below the dreaded 115 mark. I'd be so thrilled!

Oh, and to those who have been posting-- You warm my heart!
Miana, that was the most positive compliment I think I've ever heard!
Starving Artist, I'm glad I'm not the only one who makes use of the dog! LOL:)
Anafly, I'm glad I'm not the only one afraid of scales... they are really scary sometimes...
Amy, thanks so much for the support, it means worlds to me!

You ladies are what keep me going. Stay strong!

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Got up the courage...

To step on the scale. I was not surprised I'd gained, but I will truly say I was surprised by how little I've gained.

The weight was... drum roll please... 117.6 . Now, this is after a week in Las Vegas, during which time I was drinking like a fish in the evenings but eating fairly healthy, salads, seafood, when I could. However, by the end I did have a buffet (and I went all in) and then another two days of endless food at a different conference. I was actually eating three meals a day so I knew I would gain.

I was at 116.0 before I went. Now I'm at 117.6, so it's not too bad. However, I know I fluxuate a lot, so I don't know if that 117.6 is a low number or a high number, tomorrow will tell.

I did great yesterday, first day back on the wagon. I had nothing for breakfast or lunch (well, coffee), and a fairly small serving of nachos and cous cous for dinner. And a cup of tea later. And that was it. So far today I've had coffee. I'm not sure what dinner will be, but it will be a small serving. Plus tomorrow DH is leaving for work and I'm going to visit my mom with the boys. Then Saturday night I'll come back, and have a day of nobody watching at all on Sunday. Plus I'm bringing the dog back with me, and having a dog makes skipping meals WORLDS easier! I grab food like I'm going to eat it, slip it to the dog, and I'm done. It's fantastic! And we have her until Christmas. I'm hoping to be down to about 115 before Christmas day, but honestly I'd LOVE LOVE LOVE to see something closer to 112.

I'm going to be chaperoning a field trip sometime in January, and I want to be so skinny by then that it's noticed. I've been having daydreams about the instructor (who I have a semi-crush on, even tho we're both married)... there are lots of details there that I just don't want to get into right now, but maybe someday I'll share all of that. It's totally off topic, but let's just say I have some pretty interesting daydreams LOL :)

Anyway, so starting point right now is 117.6, goal is below 115 by Christmas. I have a little over 2 weeks-- that's totally doable!

Stay strong lovelies!

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Back, and scared to step on the scale...

So normally I'm a chronic weigher... I step on the scale every day, multiple times a day. And right now I'm just too scared to do it.

I was in Las Vegas for 5 days, then 1 day at home, then 2 days in Lansing at another conference. Needless to say, the food and alcohol was free flowing. I started out good, I really did. But by the end of the trip I was eating mass quantities of food in a single sitting and chasing it with a beer. :(

I know I can get back to the right mindset, back to where I belong. I'm happy to be back home, back to work, and back to my blog. I need you ladies to help me. But right now I'm too scared to step on the scale. I was 116 when I left, and I'd guess I'm back up above 120 now. I just can't bear to face that. I'm going to hold off on stepping back on the scale until I feel comfortable with myself-- well, at least until I'm so curious I'm going to die if I have to wait any longer LOL!

Today is good. Coffee. Yup, and I'm hungry, which tells me I have been eating way too much because normally I wouldn't be hungry now at all. But, if I'm hungry, then I'm losing weight. I'm going back to my "only dinner" plan, and it'll be a small dinner. I finished off the ice cream in my house last night so I won't be tempted any more, plus I knew I was going back on the wagon today. And I am.

When I get the courage to weigh in again, I'll let all you ladies know. Until then, stay strong and think thin :)