Wednesday, January 16, 2013


As a 32 year old mother of 3, I have found myself becoming everything to everyone. I've spent so much time focused on what others want and expect of me that I don't know who I am anymore.

I'm getting divorced. I'm currently about 3 months into a 6 month process.
Through this time, I've found myself seeking out others for comfort. Even while in the divorce process I told my best friend that I was in love with him. I have felt that way for a long time, and it has been no secret to him-- RL. Another of my friends, M, is also going through a divorce. M decided to make it known that he was interested in me shortly before Thanksgiving, so here's the story of what has unfolded since.

One night M and I ended up at a bar near his house. We chatted all night and wound up having a conversation on his couch and drinking beer. At about 2am, and I saw it coming but wasn't sure, he leaned over and kissed me. I had planned on crashing on his couch, but not knowing what was to come I decided it would be best to leave and drove the hour to the place where I was staying.
The next Monday I was out with RL and our friends. I talked to RL about M, telling him that if he wanted any chance at me he needed to take it now. RL said he didn't see it working, that he really liked me, kinda loved me, but it wouldn't work. He followed that up with the fact that he was relieved and "Go M". 
A couple of nights later M and I again found ourselves at his place and this time continued to make out. I knew it was going to go far and fast, and I again stopped it and went to my place. That was a couple of days before Thanksgiving.
The night before Thanksgiving I was planning to leave town because of a death in the family. I knew I wanted M, and as soon as we walked in the door to his place we hit the floor in a tangle. The sex was great, and we spent the evening wrapped up in each other. I was supposed to be at a party with RL that night but had skipped it because I would be driving. I left M's house at 2:30am after getting a text from RL.
Thanksgiving weekend was rough. I was out of town and had to deal with family issues, homework, and mourning. I spent most of it on the phone with M. He was exactly what I needed to help me get through. RL didn't call once.
The next week RL started acting weird. M and I had actually decided that we were in a relationship, and as early stages go we were totally enamoured with each other. We spent every free moment together, me staying at his place when kids weren't a factor and him stopping by my place at night when we could. Then after about a week RL started acting weird. He began saying he thought he might have screwed up in letting me go. I told him that if he ever made up his mind to let me know. Early in December he did just that. After spending a Monday  night out, M included, RL was out driving until 5am and told me that he'd finally decided. He explained it simply as "I like ya". Yeah, serious lack of committment.
RL started texting me even more often, and more and more odd hours of the night (which wasn't entirely weird, the frequency just increased). It began to become an issue between M and I, because I wasn't keeping secrets and he was slowly learning more and more about the truth behind RL and I. RL was showing his love to me in texts, more often when he was drunk, that he wanted me and nothing else. The fact that we were separated by 9 years and 3 kids was suddenly  not an issue to him.
Finally I couldn't handle it anymore. I split up with M to try things out with RL. after only 2 days I knew that it was a mistake, what I had felt for RL was faded and covered by all of the mistakes he'd made. On New Years Eve I made a begging plea to M to take me back.
But that wasn't right either. I felt trapped. RL got even worse with the texts, begging me for a real chance, saying that it would all be perfect and he would prove it to me. It wasn't that, but him talking about how much pain he was in, that actually got to me. He'd helped me through some rough times and seeing him in pain really hurt me. The worst part is that he knew exactly what he was doing and what he was saying. He knew how to cause me pain.
In hindsight I see that he was playing me to get what he wanted. He didn't want me to be happy, he wanted to be happy. I don't even think he realized that, but it's true.
Anyway, the next Monday after New Years I ended up at the bar without M but after a long discussion about wanting space. I didn't realize how much he was caught off guard and hurt by the conversation. Later that night M and I ended up having a fight, basically he pushed some buttons that my ex-husband has really hurt me with and I freaked out, pushing some of the buttons of his ex-wife. I left and drove back to the lake, shooting a text to RL on the drive. When I arrived at my destination, RL pulled in right behind me. He spent the night just holding me.
The next night RL came to my place after work. We spent the night in bed, lots of sex. The next night was more of the same. I knew that he was attached from what he said and texted me, but somehow I never really felt it. And I didn't feel anything for him back-- or at least not too much. The next night I had plans so he didn't visit, and after that we both got sick. We spent the entire weekend apart, just chatting. I was chatting with M as well, having figured that he would have expected me to run to RL but never discussing it.
The following Monday I called in sick. So did both M and RL. RL came over to spend part of the day with me and I even invited M, who was going to come. Then one of my kids got sick and I had to go get them. After the kids were in bed M stopped by and we talked. We discussed the issues that we have with each other, the issues we have with ourselves, and our exes. I nearly kissed him when he left, I really wanted to, there was so much comfort there. I suddenly knew it was right, but I also was beginning to realize that all I was going to do right now was screw up again.
Tuesday night he came back, bringing dinner and spending time with my kids. After the kids were in bed we discussed the fact that we both got too serious too fast. We agreed to date other people, (which was weird since we were already split up) and who knew what would happen in the future? He followed that up with "Just don't date RL, that would kill me". He didn't know. I looked down, wondering how to tell him. I finally just said "There's a reason RL and I have the same flu bug. He came over last Tuesday". M left immediately. He later came back and we discussed how much that hurt him but that I didn't do it to hurt him, I did it to try to get over him.
At 1am that night (this morning) we somehow ended up texting again. He again said he was hurt that I would run off after 1 day and sleep with RL. I said I was sorry. I knew he was using that to figure out if we had actually slept together, and he asked it specifically. I simply replied "yes". "Fuck you" was all I got for a while, then a "you got what you wanted, ill never trust you again".

Basically this has led me to where I am. I need to find myself. I don't know who I am anymore, and all I'm doing is hurting the people I care about most. I need to spend some time alone. I need to focus on my body and my mind.
As of today I am challenging my body-- I'm going to go for 2 weeks eating nothing but soups and salad. No sweets. Nothing else. I'm going to quit smoking as soon as my pack is gone. In two weeks I'm going to stop drinking soda (I'm already cutting down). I might even give up coffee. I want to start doing exercise, at least yoga, as soon as I'm well again.
I'm going to cut RL loose today. I hate to do it because it's going to hurt him, but he needs to understand that I need to do this for myself. Plus I've finally admitted to myself that this isn't going to work out anyway and  it sucks that he just started wanting it, but timing ruins everything.
I'd love to say that in a little bit I'll take another swing at M, because I do truly enjoy his company, but after today I think he's giving his marriage another try. I would never get in the way of that. His son deserves to have both of his parents around.
I know my marriage is over. I have no desire to try that again, I know that part of the reason I'm in the situation that I'm in is because I couldn't be happy with my ex, so I'm not even going there. But I honestly hope M can be happy with his ex.
So that's where I am. New year, new life.