Monday, January 31, 2011


I don't know if my heart is in this anymore.

Firstly-- Skittles, thank you for your brutal honesty. I'm disappointed in me too. It's actually a great reality check to see that someone else is.

Mouse and Shebeelu-- I'm watching out, I know that inviting Mia in can be dangerous (I've read Wintergirls just like everyone else here, right?)... I appreciate your concern. But Mouse, it's ok to not be supportive all the time. We need the honesty here! Be honest with me.

OK, now onward.
I just can't get myself back into the right frame of mind for this to work. I don't know what the deal is. I think part of it is that I'm actually thinner than I've ever been in my adult life and that should be enough. But the reality is that I still HATE the way I look, I still jiggle, and I still feel guilty when I do eat more than I should. The main answer to that is to just not eat those things! So why can't I do it??? I was doing great for about a month right before Christmas, and now I'm totally derailed.

I got a new app on my phone to count calories and stuff, and it's got a barcode scanner included! Super cool, so I just scanned the barcode from my can of soup for lunch and all the info was dropped right in. I LOVE it!

Today I'm at 340 already. I'm just hoping that I'll be good at and after dinner, knowing that I'm starting out way higher than normal. I need to go grocery shopping like today, there's nothing healthy in the house! Hmmm, cereal (fiber 1) it is!

Just gotta order me a new Fitbit and I can get back on the exercise train. It's so hard when DH travels.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Even mia can't save me from myself...

First-- thanks Shebeelu for the honest answer. Much appreciated.

Second-- WTF. My willpower comes in spurts. Great this weekend, then yesterday I was good at work, got home and totally binged-- I literally stuck everything I could in my mouth, cookies, chocolate, even the heels of the bread with some honey on them. DH was home, so I couldn't purge after dinner (which was nachos). I tried in the quick time I had, but I couldn't get anything up that fast. I need to build some speed.

Then after dinner I had that "I already blew it" feeling, and I started going at the sweet stuff. Another cookie with frosting, a cupcake, ice cream with chocolate syrup, a small piece of chocolate bar, it was gross. Luckily at that time DH went running, so I WAS able to get rid of it. What did I learn? 1. Chocolate syrup tastes just as good coming back up and 2. Using a toothbrush rather than my fingers is faster, easier, and keep me from getting the telltale scrapes on my knuckles. I think that time I was able to get up all or almost all of the second binge.

But the scale this morning was honest-- 114.8. Gross. Up over a pound from yesterday. Granted, I hadn't pooped in 4 days, so that could be it. So this morning I stopped at the store and got pears and Fiber One cereal. I didn't know the cereal came in two separate baggies, that's awesome! And a whole baggy only has 450 calories in it. So I've got a weird meal plan, but one that will work and keep me totally satisfied. But I can only do it when people aren't around.

Very simple: Daily intake will be less than 600 calories, and I can eat an entire baggy of Fiber 1 cereal PLUS a pear. Seriously, that's plenty of food for a whole day. It'll keep me regular as well. So Friday that's the plan. Today I'm just going to try to be good, me and my cereal!

Stay strong :)

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

113.6-- Right where I expected.

I was OK yesterday. I didn't stick to my 600 calories, cuz DH got home at 4:30 instead of 7 like I expected. That meant I had to eat dinner with the family (kept it to about 600 cals though). I'd eaten some coffee cake at work and a blueberry muffin (estimate about 500 cals there, that stuff is so bad for you).

Right at 8pm I was having some fierce cravings. I was planning the binge, the ice cream, the cookies, the pretzels, it all sounded so yummy. I got into the kitchen and saw the fresh pears, and my willpower turned me to a pear instead of all the sweet stuff. I did eat the whole pear, it was humongous, so I was full afterward. But that's still less than the calories in ONE of my sugar cookies, and I was seriously planning to eat about 5 of them.

So on the day, about 1200-1300 calories, which is right where my BMR is, so I maintained. It shouldn't be this hard to maintain!

So anyway, a girl I work with, A, yesterday asked me if I am eating. Then this morning someone else commented on how skinny I am and A was standing right there. She looked at the other girl and said "Yeah, I asked her if she's eating cuz she's so skinny now but she says she is" but she said it as though she didn't believe me. Um, wow. First, I'm not that skinny! I was wearing a freaking huge sweater and a long skirt that covers everything. Secondly, I DID eat at work yesterday, at least in the morning... not my fault she wasn't there to see it!

So I couldn't purge yesterday cuz DH was there, but I'm actually looking forward to ladies night this week cuz I can purge on the walk home. I always feel so guilty that night because I eat so many extra calories, no matter how hard I try not to, I always end up eating. But now I can just get rid of them. I even trimmed my nails today so that they won't scratch as much.

Question: Is purging addictive? The first time I did it, I had a TOTAL high for about 2 hours afterward. Is that normal? The second time I felt great, but the high was not as intense (much less food as well, not after a binge). I was just curious, I'd never heard that purging was addictive or gave you a high.

Stay strong ladies.

Monday, January 24, 2011

Meeting Mia

Wow. just wow. I'll start with the scale-- 113.4 this morning. HOORAY!!! Well, not hooray, I still look at it with disgust, but it's down quite a bit so that's good.

OK, so here's how the weekend went down.
Friday-- had lunch with co-workers... Just had some soup at the restaurant (and a ton of saltines, actually). Then dinner at Logans with mom. Um, yeah, those yeast rolls are my weakness, I'm a carb freak. I ate 2 of the rolls, all of the broiled fish that I ordered (kinda healthy, right?) the whole salad, a couple peanuts, and some of the broccoli. Not a light night, but at least most of it was healthy.

Saturday-- Got mom out of the house without eating more than a couple bites! I cooked cinnamon rolls for the kids and mom had one (even though she swears she's trying to lose weight, insert eyeroll here). There was one left, and it went into the ziploc baggy. So anyway, mom's gone, kids are napping, I had a smoke, and then the binge began. It started with just a bite of the cinnamon roll, then it included some pretzels, then some cheese cubes, then some cookies, then a spoonful of frosting right out of the container, you get my point. I literally had a 4-hour binge, from about noon until about 4pm. Then I proceeded to cook dinner for myself and the kids. And at 5pm I sat down and had a freaking MASSIVE bowl of jambalaya. I'd eaten so much I was actually nauseated, and not just because of the panic attack coming from the calories, but the sheer volume of food.
The kids were playing. DH is gone. I had the bathroom to myself. I wanted it out so bad, but I'd never had the willpower to purge before. I literally argued with myself for 10 minutes before finally giving it a try. And it wasn't at all what I'd expected. I figured I'd just poke around, everything would come up, and I'd be done. Nope. I sat there trying to find the right spot to gag for a while (I guess I don't gag easily). Then I did it a couple times, nothing was coming up, I gave up. Looked in the mirror, saw the fat, and started trying again. This repeated itself at least 3 times, and then finally something came up. But it wasn't everything like I'd expected. Again, a little more. Again, more. And then you know what I thought? "This isn't so bad-- I can do this when I need to. It's not as scary as I thought". I know I didn't get it all up, but I did get most or all of the jambalaya out. And it gave me fresh willpower for the rest of the weekend.

Sunday-- I had a couple chex with the kids for breakfast, then some lettuce with feta cheese and salsa for lunch. For dinner I made myself asparagus and ate a ton of it. And just to make sure I could still do it, I purged it. I pushed harder this time, going until I was pretty sure it was totally gone. And I didn't eat for the rest of the night. Now this was supposed to be my fast day, so it is still a failure, but I'd say I only had about 250 cals on the whole day, so that's not too bad.

This morning already I've had a tiny slice of danish (100) and a blueberry muffin (200). Can't purge at work, it really makes my face look awful, like I've been crying hard for a while. I'm going to have to work on that.

OK, so now I'm bulimic? That was one I totally didn't see coming. Honestly, I only plan to use it after a crazy binge, but it's nice to know I have a back-up plan in case of emergency.

February 19-- goal of 105. I don't know if I can do it but I'm going to try!!! Stay strong lovelies.

Friday, January 21, 2011

116.0-- progress, but still gross

Considering I was at 112.4 some weeks ago, I'm just flat out embarrassed. But I earned it. I was horrible. And now I'm paying for it, both with the weight and size that I am, and also with the fact that after eating so much so frequently, the restricting is much more painful than it often is after I've been restricting for a while.

I also got roped into going out to lunch at a local hot dog place. We used to go there every Friday, but it's been ages. I told people I was going to just have soup though (broth based, not the cheese soup they're known for) to stick with my new years resolution. So right now I'm having my hoodia sucker to prepare for the lunch.

The worst part is that my mom's coming out tonight, which means she'll want to go out to dinner. Ugh, that is always so hard for me. Hopefully she'll get tied up at work and not make it. But she's staying at my house tonight, so that means we'll have to eat breakfast together. Luckily she's got plans around lunch, so I can skip it, but then we're going to take the kids to get photos done and eat dinner out again. Grrr. But then she'll go home and I can smoke my meals for the next day (when kids are napping that is, I'd never let them see me smoke).

Well, wish me luck, I'll need it this weekend. Probably won't be able to post either. Stay strong lovelies!

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Panic attack

And now I know what a true panic attack feels like... As I'm standing in the kitchen after dinner during my normal "sweet attack" time, I was fighting the urge to binge. I'd been good all day. Intake: 1 mozzarella cheese stick (60) a small serving of pasta with a low fat cream sauce (guess 300), roasted asparagus and broccoli (100-200???), and that was it.

The feeling was like that of a full on panic attack. I was trying so hard to fight it, but I knew it would win and I would binge. So I had a couple forkfuls of Jambalaya (maybe 100 total?) and then some peanut butter on my finger (another 60). Now I'm sitting here with my tea and some thinspo feeling better, remembering how fat I am (got on the scale again to remind myself-- 118.6, with PJ's on, gross).

Anyhow, DH is here so I gotta go. Stay strong lovelies!

On my way

I set myself a real goal, something in the future that I'm specifically looking forward to, an event where I MUST LOOK GOOD!!!

I'm getting together with a group of my friends from high school. Some of these people I literally haven't seen since high school, so I'm curious what everyone looks like now. I need to look super hot. I need to be thin, the thinnest one in the room. I need to make it look effortless, like I'm just naturally beautiful.

Date for the get together-- February 19. 30 days-- just like that old Morgan Spurlock show, I can do anything for 30 days. It's not really that hard-- 30 days and I'll WOW everyone at the party.

Goal weight: 105.

A week ago that would have been only about 8 lbs. But the last week has been out of hand. Now that's a little over 10 lbs. But I'm sure those first couple of pounds will fall off again, especially since DH is going to be gone most weekends so I can slip some fasting days in there.

Tomorrow my mom's coming to visit, so no fasting for dinner. But she gets it when I eat healthy (and she likes to eat healthy as well) so that's a good thing. Then she's leaving on Saturday evening, so I can smoke and fast from Saturday night until DH comes home on Monday night... 48 hour fast! YAY!!! The only downside is that I have NO energy when I'm fasting and I still have to keep up with my kids. BOOO. Ah well, they'll get me the exercise I need, right?

Ugh, I'm gonna post it. Today's weight: 116.6 The killer is that I was below 113 about a week ago. I suck, but I will make up for it. I will fix it.

OK, my basal rate is about 1300 cals per day. If I eat about 500-700 per day, then I'm still losing AT LEAST 600 calories each day. That's a pound every 6 days. Throw some exercise in there, 300 calories 4 days a week (reasonable, right???) and we're up to a pound and a half per week. AT LEAST, remember. If I keep it below 600 every day, that's another 700 calories or .2 lbs. hmmm, still not enough... OH YEAH, throw in 1 fasting day per week (2 some weeks, but at least 1) and we're just under 2 pounds per week. I know that won't get me completely to my goal, I'll end up closer to 108, but if I'm able to throw in some extra exercise and extra fasting days, I can get there. I know I can.

So now I'm setting my max at 600 calories per day. That's an absolute MAX! Stay strong lovelies!

Wednesday, January 19, 2011


I'm not sharing my weight. I'm embarrassed. I have no self control.

I am starting. Beginning. I am reminding myself what I'm aiming for, I have pictures to put up in my house. I'm also reminding myself how awful I feel when I feel fat (which I totally do right now). Plus we started going to the pool again, and just putting on a swimsuit helps me feel like the lump of fat and crap that I actually am.

It's 12:30, and I've had nothing today. I'm going back to my skipping breakfast and lunch days, eating only dinner. Nothing after dinner either. I need to remember how great that high feels, how great I feel when I haven't eaten more than 500-600 calories for 4 days. The rush when I successfully refuse some treat that someone's trying to get me to eat is incredible, and I need to find that again. I'm enjoying my chai tea right now (straight tea, no milk, 0 calories) and relishing the fact that I'm empty. Plus I got up at 4am and ran (I had a super crappy run, only made it a mile, but I still did it).

I'll start posting my weight again when I get below 113 again, like I was before I lost all control. Hopefully I'll be there within a week.

Stay strong lovelies. Give me strength.

Friday, January 14, 2011


So I was good yesterday. Thankfully reading all your blogs about staying below 700 or 500 or 300 calories was able to bring me back to my senses. I didn't eat breakfast or lunch, and had a perfectly small portion of pasta with sauce (and a couple of meatballs, not so good, but I needed the protein). So about 400 calories there. I had 2 bites of a brownie, about 100 cals. Then I went to ladies night, had a couple cigarettes, then someone brought out the buffalo wing pretzels, ugh, my weakness. Had probably about 400 cals worth, then a bit of popcorn (air popped, a bit of oil and salt) about 200 cals, and then another 2 bites of brownie when I got home, 100 cals. So I didn't lose, but at least I didn't gain again.

Today I've had an apple. 100 cals. A guy here at work is taking another job, so today's his last day, so we're doing pizza for lunch. That's gonna burn me. But I think I can be sensible this weekend, and I'll definitely be exercising. Plus DH will be gone next weekend, so starting Tuesday (monday off for MLK day) I'll be back down to 500 calorie days for at least a couple days.

We'll see what happens. I just feel like my motivation is suddenly gone and I don't know why. I've also noticed I'm less depressed lately, so I wonder if the two are related? The more depressed I am, the more I am able to focus on losing weight-- the better I feel, I don't focus on it as much. Hmmm, if that's the case, I'm never going on depression meds-- I love the weight loss way too much!

Stay strong lovelies!

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Ugh, I can't do anything right...

So I go back and forth. I want to run, and run well. When I don't eat (much) I can't run. Seriously, I struggle to go a mile. When I have been a total heifer I run fine, I can go 2 miles and feel great afterward. So I struggle with which I want to be-- skinny and weak, or fit and trim? DH would much prefer fit and trim, and really that's the way to go to keep up with my kids, but I'd honestly rather be skinny and weak. But there's so much willpower involved with each one!!! So I'm trying to make myself a deal, which is crazy, but here it is.

If I get up in the morning and exercise, then I can eat while at work.

If I choose to sleep in and not get up at 4am, then no food until I'm home from work.

Am I crazy? That way each day I have to pretty much make my decision at 4am whether I want to be allowed to eat. This morning I chose to sleep, so now I'm sitting here chewing my gum listening to my stomach complain. And tonight is ladies night, so probably I'll be going hungry again tomorrow.

But I've been so bad lately, the hunger is kind of a welcome change. I forgot how wonderful it can feel to be hungry. I'm trying to embrace the hunger, to remind myself how wonderful it can truly feel to be hungry and empty and pure. I seem to have forgotten that since the holiday break. I've been eating so much that I'm actually back to pooping regularly (like 2-3 times a week-- I was down to only once every week at the most).

Plus I've been so embarrassed that I can't step on the scale. I've made myself a new rule there as well-- I can't step back on the scale until I think it's reasonably possible that I'm down below 110. Really, I should have been there last week, but no, I have no control. If I had to guess right now I'd guess around 116 or 117, GROSS! I'm going to try just guessing for the next couple weeks and when I'm back down again I'll step back on the scale. I need to get back at it, spring break and swimsuit season are coming, and damn it if I'm going to be the fat girl another year!

Monday, January 10, 2011

OK, so I suck

Somehow, I always break down near the end of the week.

This week it was Thursday night. It started with a tiny bite of brownie, and escalated into a full on binge on truffles and brownies and cheetos, just awful.

Then Friday I thought I'd start with a bagel in the morning. Well, then someone brought breakfast so I had a McDonalds sausage muffin with cheese, then I had a candy bar, and a total binge fest all day. Including two double cheeseburgers plus fries and a cherry pie in the car driving for dinner. Oh, don't forget the beer and the fried mini tacos at the bar.

Saturday was not much better, but realistically I couldn't get worse than Friday, right? I had some toast for breakfast, then a peanut butter and jelly. I was good and had a salad for lunch with chicken and feta cheese and salsa instead of dressing. Then nachos for dinner. All in all not too bad, but then we made cookies with the kids and I seriously had about 10 of them at 150 calories each.

Sunday I went snowboarding, had a few cookies, went home, had a few more cookies, made pizza for dinner and ate a shit-ton of it, had a few more cookies, then a bowl of ice cream and a cigarette, then went to bed.

Didn't exercise this morning (DH is gone so I couldn't) so I slept in til 5:20. No food this morning but I'm freaking starving now, so I'm eating a 100 calorie pack of beef jerky. Should keep me satisfied until dinner tonight, I hope. Weight this morning: 114.6 lbs. Could be worse, I guess, but it could/should have been better.

I suck.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Hubbies and BF's...

Wow, after reading all of your comments, I'm kinda shocked. The whole "does he notice" thing is all across the board!!! I know my hubby noticed the smaller boobs, since he's a boob man, but he just keeps saying "all I need is to know they're real" lol. They're not even a handful anymore. I'm down to something like an "almost A", it's pathetic. But I still have an ass and saddlebags!!! How is this fair?

Yeah, I think that if my hubby found out I was intentionally losing weight now he'd be pretty frustrated. Especially if he found out that the ONLY times I eat are when he is watching me. And considering he travels for work, and will be gone nearly every weekend for the next two months, I can make a lot of progress :D or at least I could if I didn't go visit my mom. She watches me like a hawk, she's super jealous of my weight loss and actually said the other day that "it's fine, as long as you don't have an eating disorder"... hmmm, I wonder how long it'll take her to figure out that I just might.

Anyhow, I just had to say thanks for all those comments, it's great to feel like I'm not alone.


I lost on both fronts... but not too badly, so I'm not going to complain.

I did great all day yesterday, coffee, gum, and a sucker. Then for dinner we took the kids to Logan's. They do those meal deals, two meals for $15 or something. So anyway, I ordered the grilled Salmon, healthy choice, with a salad (dressing on the side) and mac and cheese (for the kids). But oh their rolls are to die for. I limited myself to about 1/2 of a roll, ate about 1/2 of the salmon, the whole salad (with about 1.5 tbs of ranch dressing), and a couple of bites of french fries. Oh, and some broccoli. So that was pretty good, I call it all together about a 600 calorie meal. Then we got home, and I had to make lunches. I ate about 7 more french fries, another 1/2 roll, and then craved something sweet. I started eating the frosting out of the container I'd used over the weekend on the birthday cake. Yeah, straight frosting. At least I know it didn't have any fat in it, since I made it, but it was literally just sugar and water. Really? Ugh. So at the end of the day I'm estimating I ate around 1200-1300 calories. At least I got up to go running yesterday, right?

And then rolling out of bed this morning was rough. BUT I DID IT!!! I went downstairs and did the 30 day shred (level 1) this morning at 4:30am. Yay!

And then as I was getting in the shower I noticed I could see my ribs again. I could see some before the holiday break, and I could see almost that much today. So I got curious. I'm going to my moms this weekend, and if she sees my ribs she's gonna flip out on me, so I was wondering what my weight was. And the scale won this time. I weighed. I looked.


I'm back down those 5 lbs I gained over the break!!! But I know that's a temporary weight, but wow! I'm thrilled, but a little nervous as to how hard it's going to be to lose another 5 or 10 or 13 lbs. I guess time will tell.

Stay strong lovelies!

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Day 2: Success!

OK, you ladies can all laugh at me about something... I have a confession to make... I'm a scale-a-holic. I know some of you are too, so I'm sure I'm not alone. Well, I promised I wouldn't weigh myself until at least 1 week in, for a couple reasons actually. 1-- I hate just going based on the scale. 2-- Right now I feel like I'm making progress, and if my weight was not going down that would just depress me and make me likely to eat more. 3-- If I'm doing good and my weight IS going down, I'm more likely to allow myself a "treat", which always leads to more than I want, and to more guilt. So for those reasons I have vowed to weigh in ONLY ON MONDAYS for the month of January.

So anyway, the story. This morning I got back from my treadmill time (sucky run actually, I could just barely push out a 10 minute run, with a 5 min warm up and 5 min cool down, what a loser) and the scale was just calling to me. Looking at me with it's big blue face. I could literally hear it "come on, it won't hurt, just step on and all your questions will be answered. You will feel better, just step on"... So I did. And I looked straight up. I allowed enough time for the scale to set the accurate reading (digital, takes about 5 seconds) then stepped off, still looking up. I walked around the sink so I couldn't see it, then hopped in the shower without ever looking at it. So the scale won, but so did I damn it! And that little surge in willpower made me feel that much stronger so that I know I can do today as well. I can't wait to step on the scale Monday.

I'm kinda concerned about this weekend. I'm going out with my friend TJ, and old friend from college, a guy, who has always been after my ass. I haven't seen him in a while, like 6 months or so, and I was 10-15 lbs heavier at the time. I'm kinda curious what he'll say when he sees me, if he'll notice the difference.

Oh, and I've been meaning to post this for a week or so and keep forgetting... Any ladies with a hubby or steady sig other, do you wonder what they're going to say or if they're going to notice? I know that I've lost some weight. I'm well below what I've EVER been the whole time DH has known me. Like about 8 lbs below my wedding weight, which was super low. And not a comment. I know that my ribs were showing just a little at the beginning of the holiday. And still not a word. I don't know if he's just that dense, or he really doesn't notice, or if maybe he doesn't like it and he's afraid to say so (not that I would change it for him, I'm doing this for me). *shrug* I guess I just want to know what has happened with couples once it's impossible to ignore the weight loss, so I know how to prepare.

So anyway, yesterday... No breakfast, no lunch, had a power pop and a ton of water and coffee, then at dinner had some tortilla casserole (300ish) and some salad (100ish) and some broccoli (negligible, kids ate most of it), plus a small serving of cake (100ish, also kids ate most of it). That was it for the night. Nothing today, so doing well! Stay strong lovelies!

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Day 1: success!

It had better be! If I can't succeed on the first day, then what does that say about me? But no, I'm good. I had 1 power pop (hoodia sucker) and dinner. Small dinner, I'd like to say, but it really wasn't. I had some Lasagna, then some tortilla casserole, then half of a ham and cheese sandwich. I still figure I was under 600 cals on the day, and that my friend is progress. Especially when I started the day on the treadmill. And then this morning I got back up and did the 30 day shred (level 1) and then some DDR to burn some calories.

Bring on day 2!

Monday, January 3, 2011

Back with a vengeance...

So I knew the break was going to be bad, and then I let it happen.

117.8 this morning. Yup, I gained 5 lbs over the holiday break. But I allowed it to happen. Especially right at the end, I told myself I could have whatever I wanted (that included evening ice cream and cake for birthdays and massive servings at meals, literally anything) and that once today came, January 3, I was starting back.

My new goal: how much weight CAN I lose in 1 month? 1 month is manageable. It's like that old show "30 days" where the Supersize Me guy does crazy stuff for 30 days. Well, here's my plan.

Food: coffee. Hoodia suckers *(no more than 2 per day). Water. Small dinner. That's it. Luckily hubby will be traveling some of those weekend days, so it will be easier. Plus I might get a fast or two in there.

Exercise: Monday, Wednesday, Saturday when hubby is home-- Running... Tuesday, Thursday, Sunday-- 30 day shred, maybe some DDR as well. .

Today I got up at 4am, walked .2 miles to the treadmill, walked 5 min, ran 16 min, walked 4 min, then walked .2 miles back.

So I'm sorry ladies, I've been a failure, but I'm pushing myself. I will only weigh in on Mondays (that in itself will be really hard for me) and I am really hoping/expecting a 10 lb loss by February 3. Think I can do it? 107.8 or lower by Feb 3, that's the goal, the intention. I CAN do it!

That would be my lowest weight since early high school. And less than 10 lbs from my real goal of 99 ;)

Stay strong ladies. It's a new year!