Thursday, June 30, 2011

getting into the groove

Why is it that getting started is so easy, but that first week is always so hard? I have no problem starting my routine, especially when I get disgusted with the fat on my body. But it's days 3-7 that are so hard. Well, I got past day 3, and today is day 6. I'm doing well. I'm watching the scale drop, though I know that soon it will start bouncing around rather than dropping every day, that's the nature of weight loss. Anyway, I'm doing well. I'm 119.0 this morning. All week I've been skipping breakfast, eating salad for lunch with some of what they're serving at the school occasionally (just salad yesterday, wasn't going to touch the taco meat, eew). Tuesday I had half a hot dog. Couldn't even bring myself to eat the whole thing, it creeped me out. Then every night I've had a small serving of whatever I cook for dinner and a large salad with kraft free dressing (only 15 cals per serving). Yesterday had cheese and mushroom quesadilla. I served the rest of the family meat, but I stayed with the mushrooms-- just as filling, and way lower cals. I hate that I ate two tortillas, but if I hadn't it would have looked fishy.

So tonight my night class starts. That's great, cuz I might just skip dinner-- it will be easy. But tonight is also girls night. I brought chex mix, which I completely plan on passing on but if I skip dinner I'm afraid I might eat it. Ugh. I am going to skip the alcohol though, I'll go back to what I was doing last time I lost weight, and that was just drink diet soda while everyone else drowns their sorrows in the calories of beer.

Breakfast of champions-- coffee and cigarette. Love it.

So that's today. Stay strong!

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Day whatever-- first week

So I started again on Saturday... todays weight was 119.6-- not bad, really. I still can't believe how high I let myself get. So I've kinda lost 5 lbs since Saturday, but you really can't count that cuz it was the first day of my period and I was super fat. Ugh. But I'm doing good, all things considered. Even yesterday, which was a high day, I still stayed under 1000 all day, so I should still have lost and I did. I know that the weight will be harder to get off pretty soon here, it should start slowing and bouncing around any day now. In fact I expect to be back above 120 tomorrow, no matter how well I do today. But the reality is that if I'm below 500 cals most days, I can still lose 3 lbs per week if I don't exercise, and more when classes end and I do start running. So realistically, I can be below 110 (which I've never been below since middle school) by Vegas as long as I don't screw up. And I won't. And I can't. I need to be good, how great would it be to be below 110 in Las Vegas with the girls????!!!! So that's my goal. Oh, and plus I want to look super hot next school year when we start so my work husband is drooling over me. I miss him so much. stupid summer vacation. Oh well. off to work.

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Losing for Vegas

And finally dedicated. We booked vegas, me and the girls. There will be three or four of us, maybe five depending on circumstances. But either way 3 of us have booked. We're going out on Saturday, July 30 and coming home Monday. So yeah, quick trip... but I want to look HOT! So I started on Saturday, figuring I had 5 weeks to drop 10ish pounds and get back to what I was in December before I started packing it on again. I just started my period on Saturday, so I was at a very high weight of 124.4. That was frightening. So now it's Tuesday, and my weight this morning was 120.6... I know I'm eating around 500 cals per day (salads and light or fat free dressing, with a little bit of bread for balance). I don't know how long I'll be able to keep this up though, since I'm spending every evening with the family and eating dinner with them. I was able to tell my mom that I'm dieting, so when I went to visit her she made me salads and stuff-- my mom is cool. I think if she had the willpower she'd be ana, but like me she goes in spurts. She will lose a ton of weight, then put some of it back on, etc. I do the same thing. I was down below 115 (lowest was around 112.4 I think) in December. Honestly, if I can keep to around 500 cals per day with no mistakes, I will lose 3 pounds per week (my fitbit told me I'm burning around 2000-2200 each day). So just 5 weeks of this, then I'll look superhot in Vegas. Yay vegas!!! OK, off to find some thinspo to keep me going. Somehow the first week is always the hardest, then those habits become second nature. just gotta make it through the first week.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Almost 3 months have passed...

And without you ladies I've ballooned. I don't fit into the clothes that were loose on me in December. I'm fat. It's gross. And of course now it's swimsuit season, and I'm embarrassed to put one on!

So this is me, take two (or two hundred). I was going to wait until school was out to start again, but I just can't face the fat anymore.

I'm scared to step on the scale. That's how fat I am. I think at last weigh-in (around 2 weeks of binging ago) I was at 122. Last December I was around 112. I'm sure right now I'm closer to 125-- and all flab! I haven't had the time to exercise. I'm going to make the time!

Monday-- AM run (start with 20 minutes and go up from there), PM pilates DVD
Tuesday-- AM swim (start with 20 minutes and go up from there), pm homework
Wednesday-- AM run, PM class
Thursday-- AM swim, PM girls night (no eating!!!)
Friday-- AM off, PM class (one day off exercise)
Saturday-- naptime run, PM shred or P90X
Sunday-- naptime P90X

In a couple weeks my schedule will switch to classes Tues and Thurs instead of Mon, Wed... So I'll just switch out. Plus I won't be working, so I'll be able to do my exercise during the day.

2 week cleanse-- for me, this means ONLY fruits and veggies for the next 2 weeks. I'm curious what that will do to my system, but I've learned that limiting myself or setting these rules tends to work for me. My hubby is going to freak out though, so I might have to supplement a little at dinner time. If I do eat something else though, I need to keep it below 300 calories. Doable.

So I'll step on the damn scale tomorrow to give you all a true starting weight.

Here's the truth though-- I'm scared shitless. I'm scared that I won't be able to get back down to where I was. But I just have to remind myself, it's one pound at a time. Not 10, not the 20 or 25 I really want to lose. Just one pound is a success.

Here's to success!

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

hmmm, rules are the key

I never thought about it... but I'm learning that making myself "rules" is the key. I gave up chocolate and fried foods for lent, that's a rule for me. And now I've made myself a rule that I'm not allowed to eat after the kids are in bed. Somehow just the thought of this rule keeps me from doing it. Wow, who knew?

yesterday was OK, I guess... I didn't eat till dinner. Dinner came and I had 6 croutons (30), 11 goldfish crackers (30), then of course shoveled two of the pancakes I was making for the kids into my mouth. Then I had a salad, lettuce, 2 slices of ham, 2 mushrooms, and salsa for dressing. Total of about 200? And another pancake. Afterward I felt super guilty, so I p'd. It's so funny too, cuz 3 months ago I couldn't do that no matter how badly I wanted to, no matter how much I binged, and now I just do when I feel like it. It's hard when others are around, so I don't do it (it's easy to see in my face, I need to work on that) but right now DH is gone so I can.

Scale this morning: 116.4-- still gross.

I'm going to keep my rules close, they keep me sane and safe.

Stay strong ladies.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

following the program

I ate a salad for dinner-- lettuce, mushrooms, salsa, and a few croutons. That's it.

Weight this morning-- an embarassing 117.4

but I'm re-reading Wasted, and that keeps me going.

I need this to be a lifestyle change, not just a quick fix. I need to get back into the rhythm. I remember before, I was scared to eat even a few bites of scrambled egg for breakfast. Where did that go? How did I swing back so far the other way? Ugh, gotta get back to this~!

Monday, March 14, 2011

Why can't I do this?

I am having trouble getting started again. Does that make sense? Even with goals and reasons, I just can't get back into it. I will be good for a couple days, and then it just all disappears.

So I gave up chocolate and fried foods for lent. Lent is a totally acceptable excuse to get some horrid things out of my diet, and it works great when people bring in donuts to work (Oh, I can't eat that, I gave up fried foods for lent). For a while I was running again, too. But right now DH is out of town so I can't.

My work life is falling apart, leading to stress eating. I wish I could just focus the stress to NOT eating instead. I'm working on that.

I started reading Wasted again, hoping to get myself back in that mindset. I was pretty good yesterday, but I ate all 3 meals which is not typical of me when I'm trying to lose weight. But they were small.

Today I'm skipping breakfast and lunch. Maybe I can skip dinner too, since DH is gone. We'll see.

April 9. I have to see one old friend and meet a whole bunch of her friends that day, so I need to be hot. Plus April 15, well, it's a work thing but I really want to be undeniably attractive by then.

I'm scared to step on the scale. I was going to do it today, but I'm seriously way too frightened of what it will say.

My goal is to stop pooping. I miss the days when I only pooped once a week at most. I need to get back to that.

Sorry about the absence, or the rant. I'm losing my mind.

Love you girls, stay strong!

Friday, February 25, 2011

Day 3

So last night was Bunco... basically it's ladies night with dice. I'm thrilled because I turned my $5 into $30, so YAY! On the other hand, I was going to be good, but somebody brought fudge, and I had a couple pieces. But no alcohol, at least, so kept the liquid calories at bay.

So I expected the scale to go up this morning, I was hoping desparately to be below 120 still... I had a pleasant surprise to see 115.6! Honestly, after having lunch yesterday I ate a really tiny serving of dinner which was chicken and salsa with a little cheese and had only about 1/4 of a tortilla (to save myself the extra 120 cals) instead of eating a burrito like I had planned. Overall, including the fudge, I'd guess my calorie count was probably around 1300. Which is slightly below my BMR. But I also think my body is still adjusting to the calorie drop so I'm losing weight quick right now. Oh, and I pooped.

I was thinking the other day how I really miss not pooping! When I was eating too little to poop, I was always concerned. But now I've been pooping like every day or two and really that's just gross! I am sooooo looking forward to getting back down to a point where I don't poop at all anymore... that's kinda a part of my drive. Is that weird?

I'm hoping I can fast for at least a day, since DH is leaving today so he won't be around for dinner, and skipping lunch is easy at work. So the plan is to fast for today and probably tomorrow, and Sunday too if I can make it through. I think a 3-day fast would be great for my body and help clean out my system a little bit from all the CRAP I was eating! Not to mention help me drop an extra pound or two, right???

Help me stay strong ladies! I need a texting buddy, from the US, is anybody up for it???

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Day 2

Day 1 was a success. Total calorie intake was around 400. I didn't get to work out at all (except between the sheets) but I did go to sleep at like 8pm! I love getting extra sleep. Somehow right now I feel like I need tons of sleep, and I think it's because I'm out of shape again. I haven't been exercising at all. I'm looking forward to the weather getting nicer so that I can go for a run on Monday and Friday, when I actually get a lunch break.

Anyway, yesterday the scale (my starting point) was an embarrassing 121.6 lbs. It hasn't been that high since before I started my weight loss journey in October/November! Gross.

Today it was a much more manageable 118.2. That's more OK for me. At least to start, it is. I am working down. My goal is below 110 by April 15, and ultimately below 100 by the time summer vacation starts. Both are totally doable goals.

I'm getting back to the point where I'm embracing the hunger feeling. Yesterday I was so hungry leaving work (I hadn't eaten at all, I used to do that all the time) and I just stepped back and thought "This feeling is hunger. what does it really feel like? is it really pain? interesting" and just thought about what it truly felt like. My mind was categorizing it with pain, but it truly wasn't pain, it was something different. If you actually concentrate on the feeling, you realize that it's not truly pain but something else entirely.

Right now I'm sitting at work and my stomach is growling something awful. I'm going to lie my way out of a work lunch but I need to stop making noises!!! I'm going to go chug some water and hope that works.

I've really missed you girls, thanks for not bailing on me. Stay strong!

ETA: Ate lunch, cuz it was a lunch meeting and I looked weird. I just had a salad and the smallest grilled chicken wrap I could find, with salsa dressing. Then I had a snack size almond joy candy bar. I added in my dinner cals on myfitnesspal already and am going to end the day around 900 calories. Gross. almost double my daily limit, and tonight is Bunko so I won't be able to exercise at all to burn them off. Maybe I'll have to exercise in the morning or something. oh well, DH is gone this weekend so maybe I'll fast for a while, or just live on cereal with water. I could do that!

Wednesday, February 23, 2011


Remember being a kid and asking for a do-over?

That's what I'm asking for.

Starting today, I'm taking a do-over. Back in November I dropped from 121 to 115. Then down as far as 112 in December. Now I'm back up that 10 lbs. Gross.


500 cals per day yields 2.1 lbs per week. I can lose 10 lbs in 5 weeks, before my trip, and be happy again.

Dedication is the name of the game.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

maybe time for a break

I'm always angry at myself, I'm only doing worse. I don't know if it's because DH is gone so much right now, or what. I think I need my depression to come back for me to get back into this right, and I really don't want to invite Mia to the party.

Also I'm embarrassed. Every time I log in here I'm embarrassed. I see you all doing so well, and I am just weak. I need the weather to get better, swimsuit season to get closer, and myself to get fatter quite honestly to kick-start my disgust again and get me started. This time once I start, I don't intend to stop until I'm below 100.

I honestly lost about 12 more pounds. 2 years ago I was happy at 135. Then last summer I was thrilled to be at 128. Now I'm disgusted at 118. Progress. But not enough. I will come back, I promise you all that. But I can't put myself out there when I'm so disgusted with myself all the time. I need some time for me. I need my fitbit. I need a break.

Thanks ladies for always supporting me and being there for me. I wish you all the best of luck in whatever you do. If you unfollow me, I totally understand. If you don't, one day in a couple months you'll see another post pop up from me and you'll know I've had enough. I hope that day is sooner rather than later. Until then, stay strong lovelies.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011


Shebeelu-- do not EVER feel guilty for honesty, or for support, whether "pro" or "con"... If I didn't want honest comments I wouldn't make it public! Please don't ever feel bad for posting something, I'm truly just happy that you care enough to comment at all ;)

Fed Up and Anafly-- I never knew the calorie tracking love until I got one... Amazing!

I stayed at about 900 cals yesterday, which I'm OK with right now. That will still have me losing, but not super fast. I will have some days that are significantly lower than that I'm sure, and some days where my workouts will put me below 500 for net so that's great! I had to laugh, because my app told me today "if you continue this trend for 5 weeks you will weigh 112 lbs" LOL! I had put in a slightly higher start weight because I'm afraid to step on the scale right now plus I just started my period (finally, about 2 weeks late) so it's an estimate. It also told me that I wasn't eating enough and that this amount of calories would put me into starvation mode... Yeah right, 900 cals is NOT starvation! Under 400, sure, but not 900.

So now I just have to get my exercise motivation back. I've been so exhausted lately, and maybe part of it is that I'm not exercising, but it makes me not want to exercise cuz I'm too tired! It's a crappy circle. So tonight it will end. Tonight I'm going to either run or do a TON of DDR. That's the fun way to work out ;)

Anyway, hope the motivation from the app keeps up, I need it! Stay strong lovelies.

Monday, January 31, 2011


I don't know if my heart is in this anymore.

Firstly-- Skittles, thank you for your brutal honesty. I'm disappointed in me too. It's actually a great reality check to see that someone else is.

Mouse and Shebeelu-- I'm watching out, I know that inviting Mia in can be dangerous (I've read Wintergirls just like everyone else here, right?)... I appreciate your concern. But Mouse, it's ok to not be supportive all the time. We need the honesty here! Be honest with me.

OK, now onward.
I just can't get myself back into the right frame of mind for this to work. I don't know what the deal is. I think part of it is that I'm actually thinner than I've ever been in my adult life and that should be enough. But the reality is that I still HATE the way I look, I still jiggle, and I still feel guilty when I do eat more than I should. The main answer to that is to just not eat those things! So why can't I do it??? I was doing great for about a month right before Christmas, and now I'm totally derailed.

I got a new app on my phone to count calories and stuff, and it's got a barcode scanner included! Super cool, so I just scanned the barcode from my can of soup for lunch and all the info was dropped right in. I LOVE it!

Today I'm at 340 already. I'm just hoping that I'll be good at and after dinner, knowing that I'm starting out way higher than normal. I need to go grocery shopping like today, there's nothing healthy in the house! Hmmm, cereal (fiber 1) it is!

Just gotta order me a new Fitbit and I can get back on the exercise train. It's so hard when DH travels.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Even mia can't save me from myself...

First-- thanks Shebeelu for the honest answer. Much appreciated.

Second-- WTF. My willpower comes in spurts. Great this weekend, then yesterday I was good at work, got home and totally binged-- I literally stuck everything I could in my mouth, cookies, chocolate, even the heels of the bread with some honey on them. DH was home, so I couldn't purge after dinner (which was nachos). I tried in the quick time I had, but I couldn't get anything up that fast. I need to build some speed.

Then after dinner I had that "I already blew it" feeling, and I started going at the sweet stuff. Another cookie with frosting, a cupcake, ice cream with chocolate syrup, a small piece of chocolate bar, it was gross. Luckily at that time DH went running, so I WAS able to get rid of it. What did I learn? 1. Chocolate syrup tastes just as good coming back up and 2. Using a toothbrush rather than my fingers is faster, easier, and keep me from getting the telltale scrapes on my knuckles. I think that time I was able to get up all or almost all of the second binge.

But the scale this morning was honest-- 114.8. Gross. Up over a pound from yesterday. Granted, I hadn't pooped in 4 days, so that could be it. So this morning I stopped at the store and got pears and Fiber One cereal. I didn't know the cereal came in two separate baggies, that's awesome! And a whole baggy only has 450 calories in it. So I've got a weird meal plan, but one that will work and keep me totally satisfied. But I can only do it when people aren't around.

Very simple: Daily intake will be less than 600 calories, and I can eat an entire baggy of Fiber 1 cereal PLUS a pear. Seriously, that's plenty of food for a whole day. It'll keep me regular as well. So Friday that's the plan. Today I'm just going to try to be good, me and my cereal!

Stay strong :)

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

113.6-- Right where I expected.

I was OK yesterday. I didn't stick to my 600 calories, cuz DH got home at 4:30 instead of 7 like I expected. That meant I had to eat dinner with the family (kept it to about 600 cals though). I'd eaten some coffee cake at work and a blueberry muffin (estimate about 500 cals there, that stuff is so bad for you).

Right at 8pm I was having some fierce cravings. I was planning the binge, the ice cream, the cookies, the pretzels, it all sounded so yummy. I got into the kitchen and saw the fresh pears, and my willpower turned me to a pear instead of all the sweet stuff. I did eat the whole pear, it was humongous, so I was full afterward. But that's still less than the calories in ONE of my sugar cookies, and I was seriously planning to eat about 5 of them.

So on the day, about 1200-1300 calories, which is right where my BMR is, so I maintained. It shouldn't be this hard to maintain!

So anyway, a girl I work with, A, yesterday asked me if I am eating. Then this morning someone else commented on how skinny I am and A was standing right there. She looked at the other girl and said "Yeah, I asked her if she's eating cuz she's so skinny now but she says she is" but she said it as though she didn't believe me. Um, wow. First, I'm not that skinny! I was wearing a freaking huge sweater and a long skirt that covers everything. Secondly, I DID eat at work yesterday, at least in the morning... not my fault she wasn't there to see it!

So I couldn't purge yesterday cuz DH was there, but I'm actually looking forward to ladies night this week cuz I can purge on the walk home. I always feel so guilty that night because I eat so many extra calories, no matter how hard I try not to, I always end up eating. But now I can just get rid of them. I even trimmed my nails today so that they won't scratch as much.

Question: Is purging addictive? The first time I did it, I had a TOTAL high for about 2 hours afterward. Is that normal? The second time I felt great, but the high was not as intense (much less food as well, not after a binge). I was just curious, I'd never heard that purging was addictive or gave you a high.

Stay strong ladies.

Monday, January 24, 2011

Meeting Mia

Wow. just wow. I'll start with the scale-- 113.4 this morning. HOORAY!!! Well, not hooray, I still look at it with disgust, but it's down quite a bit so that's good.

OK, so here's how the weekend went down.
Friday-- had lunch with co-workers... Just had some soup at the restaurant (and a ton of saltines, actually). Then dinner at Logans with mom. Um, yeah, those yeast rolls are my weakness, I'm a carb freak. I ate 2 of the rolls, all of the broiled fish that I ordered (kinda healthy, right?) the whole salad, a couple peanuts, and some of the broccoli. Not a light night, but at least most of it was healthy.

Saturday-- Got mom out of the house without eating more than a couple bites! I cooked cinnamon rolls for the kids and mom had one (even though she swears she's trying to lose weight, insert eyeroll here). There was one left, and it went into the ziploc baggy. So anyway, mom's gone, kids are napping, I had a smoke, and then the binge began. It started with just a bite of the cinnamon roll, then it included some pretzels, then some cheese cubes, then some cookies, then a spoonful of frosting right out of the container, you get my point. I literally had a 4-hour binge, from about noon until about 4pm. Then I proceeded to cook dinner for myself and the kids. And at 5pm I sat down and had a freaking MASSIVE bowl of jambalaya. I'd eaten so much I was actually nauseated, and not just because of the panic attack coming from the calories, but the sheer volume of food.
The kids were playing. DH is gone. I had the bathroom to myself. I wanted it out so bad, but I'd never had the willpower to purge before. I literally argued with myself for 10 minutes before finally giving it a try. And it wasn't at all what I'd expected. I figured I'd just poke around, everything would come up, and I'd be done. Nope. I sat there trying to find the right spot to gag for a while (I guess I don't gag easily). Then I did it a couple times, nothing was coming up, I gave up. Looked in the mirror, saw the fat, and started trying again. This repeated itself at least 3 times, and then finally something came up. But it wasn't everything like I'd expected. Again, a little more. Again, more. And then you know what I thought? "This isn't so bad-- I can do this when I need to. It's not as scary as I thought". I know I didn't get it all up, but I did get most or all of the jambalaya out. And it gave me fresh willpower for the rest of the weekend.

Sunday-- I had a couple chex with the kids for breakfast, then some lettuce with feta cheese and salsa for lunch. For dinner I made myself asparagus and ate a ton of it. And just to make sure I could still do it, I purged it. I pushed harder this time, going until I was pretty sure it was totally gone. And I didn't eat for the rest of the night. Now this was supposed to be my fast day, so it is still a failure, but I'd say I only had about 250 cals on the whole day, so that's not too bad.

This morning already I've had a tiny slice of danish (100) and a blueberry muffin (200). Can't purge at work, it really makes my face look awful, like I've been crying hard for a while. I'm going to have to work on that.

OK, so now I'm bulimic? That was one I totally didn't see coming. Honestly, I only plan to use it after a crazy binge, but it's nice to know I have a back-up plan in case of emergency.

February 19-- goal of 105. I don't know if I can do it but I'm going to try!!! Stay strong lovelies.

Friday, January 21, 2011

116.0-- progress, but still gross

Considering I was at 112.4 some weeks ago, I'm just flat out embarrassed. But I earned it. I was horrible. And now I'm paying for it, both with the weight and size that I am, and also with the fact that after eating so much so frequently, the restricting is much more painful than it often is after I've been restricting for a while.

I also got roped into going out to lunch at a local hot dog place. We used to go there every Friday, but it's been ages. I told people I was going to just have soup though (broth based, not the cheese soup they're known for) to stick with my new years resolution. So right now I'm having my hoodia sucker to prepare for the lunch.

The worst part is that my mom's coming out tonight, which means she'll want to go out to dinner. Ugh, that is always so hard for me. Hopefully she'll get tied up at work and not make it. But she's staying at my house tonight, so that means we'll have to eat breakfast together. Luckily she's got plans around lunch, so I can skip it, but then we're going to take the kids to get photos done and eat dinner out again. Grrr. But then she'll go home and I can smoke my meals for the next day (when kids are napping that is, I'd never let them see me smoke).

Well, wish me luck, I'll need it this weekend. Probably won't be able to post either. Stay strong lovelies!

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Panic attack

And now I know what a true panic attack feels like... As I'm standing in the kitchen after dinner during my normal "sweet attack" time, I was fighting the urge to binge. I'd been good all day. Intake: 1 mozzarella cheese stick (60) a small serving of pasta with a low fat cream sauce (guess 300), roasted asparagus and broccoli (100-200???), and that was it.

The feeling was like that of a full on panic attack. I was trying so hard to fight it, but I knew it would win and I would binge. So I had a couple forkfuls of Jambalaya (maybe 100 total?) and then some peanut butter on my finger (another 60). Now I'm sitting here with my tea and some thinspo feeling better, remembering how fat I am (got on the scale again to remind myself-- 118.6, with PJ's on, gross).

Anyhow, DH is here so I gotta go. Stay strong lovelies!

On my way

I set myself a real goal, something in the future that I'm specifically looking forward to, an event where I MUST LOOK GOOD!!!

I'm getting together with a group of my friends from high school. Some of these people I literally haven't seen since high school, so I'm curious what everyone looks like now. I need to look super hot. I need to be thin, the thinnest one in the room. I need to make it look effortless, like I'm just naturally beautiful.

Date for the get together-- February 19. 30 days-- just like that old Morgan Spurlock show, I can do anything for 30 days. It's not really that hard-- 30 days and I'll WOW everyone at the party.

Goal weight: 105.

A week ago that would have been only about 8 lbs. But the last week has been out of hand. Now that's a little over 10 lbs. But I'm sure those first couple of pounds will fall off again, especially since DH is going to be gone most weekends so I can slip some fasting days in there.

Tomorrow my mom's coming to visit, so no fasting for dinner. But she gets it when I eat healthy (and she likes to eat healthy as well) so that's a good thing. Then she's leaving on Saturday evening, so I can smoke and fast from Saturday night until DH comes home on Monday night... 48 hour fast! YAY!!! The only downside is that I have NO energy when I'm fasting and I still have to keep up with my kids. BOOO. Ah well, they'll get me the exercise I need, right?

Ugh, I'm gonna post it. Today's weight: 116.6 The killer is that I was below 113 about a week ago. I suck, but I will make up for it. I will fix it.

OK, my basal rate is about 1300 cals per day. If I eat about 500-700 per day, then I'm still losing AT LEAST 600 calories each day. That's a pound every 6 days. Throw some exercise in there, 300 calories 4 days a week (reasonable, right???) and we're up to a pound and a half per week. AT LEAST, remember. If I keep it below 600 every day, that's another 700 calories or .2 lbs. hmmm, still not enough... OH YEAH, throw in 1 fasting day per week (2 some weeks, but at least 1) and we're just under 2 pounds per week. I know that won't get me completely to my goal, I'll end up closer to 108, but if I'm able to throw in some extra exercise and extra fasting days, I can get there. I know I can.

So now I'm setting my max at 600 calories per day. That's an absolute MAX! Stay strong lovelies!

Wednesday, January 19, 2011


I'm not sharing my weight. I'm embarrassed. I have no self control.

I am starting. Beginning. I am reminding myself what I'm aiming for, I have pictures to put up in my house. I'm also reminding myself how awful I feel when I feel fat (which I totally do right now). Plus we started going to the pool again, and just putting on a swimsuit helps me feel like the lump of fat and crap that I actually am.

It's 12:30, and I've had nothing today. I'm going back to my skipping breakfast and lunch days, eating only dinner. Nothing after dinner either. I need to remember how great that high feels, how great I feel when I haven't eaten more than 500-600 calories for 4 days. The rush when I successfully refuse some treat that someone's trying to get me to eat is incredible, and I need to find that again. I'm enjoying my chai tea right now (straight tea, no milk, 0 calories) and relishing the fact that I'm empty. Plus I got up at 4am and ran (I had a super crappy run, only made it a mile, but I still did it).

I'll start posting my weight again when I get below 113 again, like I was before I lost all control. Hopefully I'll be there within a week.

Stay strong lovelies. Give me strength.

Friday, January 14, 2011


So I was good yesterday. Thankfully reading all your blogs about staying below 700 or 500 or 300 calories was able to bring me back to my senses. I didn't eat breakfast or lunch, and had a perfectly small portion of pasta with sauce (and a couple of meatballs, not so good, but I needed the protein). So about 400 calories there. I had 2 bites of a brownie, about 100 cals. Then I went to ladies night, had a couple cigarettes, then someone brought out the buffalo wing pretzels, ugh, my weakness. Had probably about 400 cals worth, then a bit of popcorn (air popped, a bit of oil and salt) about 200 cals, and then another 2 bites of brownie when I got home, 100 cals. So I didn't lose, but at least I didn't gain again.

Today I've had an apple. 100 cals. A guy here at work is taking another job, so today's his last day, so we're doing pizza for lunch. That's gonna burn me. But I think I can be sensible this weekend, and I'll definitely be exercising. Plus DH will be gone next weekend, so starting Tuesday (monday off for MLK day) I'll be back down to 500 calorie days for at least a couple days.

We'll see what happens. I just feel like my motivation is suddenly gone and I don't know why. I've also noticed I'm less depressed lately, so I wonder if the two are related? The more depressed I am, the more I am able to focus on losing weight-- the better I feel, I don't focus on it as much. Hmmm, if that's the case, I'm never going on depression meds-- I love the weight loss way too much!

Stay strong lovelies!

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Ugh, I can't do anything right...

So I go back and forth. I want to run, and run well. When I don't eat (much) I can't run. Seriously, I struggle to go a mile. When I have been a total heifer I run fine, I can go 2 miles and feel great afterward. So I struggle with which I want to be-- skinny and weak, or fit and trim? DH would much prefer fit and trim, and really that's the way to go to keep up with my kids, but I'd honestly rather be skinny and weak. But there's so much willpower involved with each one!!! So I'm trying to make myself a deal, which is crazy, but here it is.

If I get up in the morning and exercise, then I can eat while at work.

If I choose to sleep in and not get up at 4am, then no food until I'm home from work.

Am I crazy? That way each day I have to pretty much make my decision at 4am whether I want to be allowed to eat. This morning I chose to sleep, so now I'm sitting here chewing my gum listening to my stomach complain. And tonight is ladies night, so probably I'll be going hungry again tomorrow.

But I've been so bad lately, the hunger is kind of a welcome change. I forgot how wonderful it can feel to be hungry. I'm trying to embrace the hunger, to remind myself how wonderful it can truly feel to be hungry and empty and pure. I seem to have forgotten that since the holiday break. I've been eating so much that I'm actually back to pooping regularly (like 2-3 times a week-- I was down to only once every week at the most).

Plus I've been so embarrassed that I can't step on the scale. I've made myself a new rule there as well-- I can't step back on the scale until I think it's reasonably possible that I'm down below 110. Really, I should have been there last week, but no, I have no control. If I had to guess right now I'd guess around 116 or 117, GROSS! I'm going to try just guessing for the next couple weeks and when I'm back down again I'll step back on the scale. I need to get back at it, spring break and swimsuit season are coming, and damn it if I'm going to be the fat girl another year!

Monday, January 10, 2011

OK, so I suck

Somehow, I always break down near the end of the week.

This week it was Thursday night. It started with a tiny bite of brownie, and escalated into a full on binge on truffles and brownies and cheetos, just awful.

Then Friday I thought I'd start with a bagel in the morning. Well, then someone brought breakfast so I had a McDonalds sausage muffin with cheese, then I had a candy bar, and a total binge fest all day. Including two double cheeseburgers plus fries and a cherry pie in the car driving for dinner. Oh, don't forget the beer and the fried mini tacos at the bar.

Saturday was not much better, but realistically I couldn't get worse than Friday, right? I had some toast for breakfast, then a peanut butter and jelly. I was good and had a salad for lunch with chicken and feta cheese and salsa instead of dressing. Then nachos for dinner. All in all not too bad, but then we made cookies with the kids and I seriously had about 10 of them at 150 calories each.

Sunday I went snowboarding, had a few cookies, went home, had a few more cookies, made pizza for dinner and ate a shit-ton of it, had a few more cookies, then a bowl of ice cream and a cigarette, then went to bed.

Didn't exercise this morning (DH is gone so I couldn't) so I slept in til 5:20. No food this morning but I'm freaking starving now, so I'm eating a 100 calorie pack of beef jerky. Should keep me satisfied until dinner tonight, I hope. Weight this morning: 114.6 lbs. Could be worse, I guess, but it could/should have been better.

I suck.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Hubbies and BF's...

Wow, after reading all of your comments, I'm kinda shocked. The whole "does he notice" thing is all across the board!!! I know my hubby noticed the smaller boobs, since he's a boob man, but he just keeps saying "all I need is to know they're real" lol. They're not even a handful anymore. I'm down to something like an "almost A", it's pathetic. But I still have an ass and saddlebags!!! How is this fair?

Yeah, I think that if my hubby found out I was intentionally losing weight now he'd be pretty frustrated. Especially if he found out that the ONLY times I eat are when he is watching me. And considering he travels for work, and will be gone nearly every weekend for the next two months, I can make a lot of progress :D or at least I could if I didn't go visit my mom. She watches me like a hawk, she's super jealous of my weight loss and actually said the other day that "it's fine, as long as you don't have an eating disorder"... hmmm, I wonder how long it'll take her to figure out that I just might.

Anyhow, I just had to say thanks for all those comments, it's great to feel like I'm not alone.


I lost on both fronts... but not too badly, so I'm not going to complain.

I did great all day yesterday, coffee, gum, and a sucker. Then for dinner we took the kids to Logan's. They do those meal deals, two meals for $15 or something. So anyway, I ordered the grilled Salmon, healthy choice, with a salad (dressing on the side) and mac and cheese (for the kids). But oh their rolls are to die for. I limited myself to about 1/2 of a roll, ate about 1/2 of the salmon, the whole salad (with about 1.5 tbs of ranch dressing), and a couple of bites of french fries. Oh, and some broccoli. So that was pretty good, I call it all together about a 600 calorie meal. Then we got home, and I had to make lunches. I ate about 7 more french fries, another 1/2 roll, and then craved something sweet. I started eating the frosting out of the container I'd used over the weekend on the birthday cake. Yeah, straight frosting. At least I know it didn't have any fat in it, since I made it, but it was literally just sugar and water. Really? Ugh. So at the end of the day I'm estimating I ate around 1200-1300 calories. At least I got up to go running yesterday, right?

And then rolling out of bed this morning was rough. BUT I DID IT!!! I went downstairs and did the 30 day shred (level 1) this morning at 4:30am. Yay!

And then as I was getting in the shower I noticed I could see my ribs again. I could see some before the holiday break, and I could see almost that much today. So I got curious. I'm going to my moms this weekend, and if she sees my ribs she's gonna flip out on me, so I was wondering what my weight was. And the scale won this time. I weighed. I looked.


I'm back down those 5 lbs I gained over the break!!! But I know that's a temporary weight, but wow! I'm thrilled, but a little nervous as to how hard it's going to be to lose another 5 or 10 or 13 lbs. I guess time will tell.

Stay strong lovelies!

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Day 2: Success!

OK, you ladies can all laugh at me about something... I have a confession to make... I'm a scale-a-holic. I know some of you are too, so I'm sure I'm not alone. Well, I promised I wouldn't weigh myself until at least 1 week in, for a couple reasons actually. 1-- I hate just going based on the scale. 2-- Right now I feel like I'm making progress, and if my weight was not going down that would just depress me and make me likely to eat more. 3-- If I'm doing good and my weight IS going down, I'm more likely to allow myself a "treat", which always leads to more than I want, and to more guilt. So for those reasons I have vowed to weigh in ONLY ON MONDAYS for the month of January.

So anyway, the story. This morning I got back from my treadmill time (sucky run actually, I could just barely push out a 10 minute run, with a 5 min warm up and 5 min cool down, what a loser) and the scale was just calling to me. Looking at me with it's big blue face. I could literally hear it "come on, it won't hurt, just step on and all your questions will be answered. You will feel better, just step on"... So I did. And I looked straight up. I allowed enough time for the scale to set the accurate reading (digital, takes about 5 seconds) then stepped off, still looking up. I walked around the sink so I couldn't see it, then hopped in the shower without ever looking at it. So the scale won, but so did I damn it! And that little surge in willpower made me feel that much stronger so that I know I can do today as well. I can't wait to step on the scale Monday.

I'm kinda concerned about this weekend. I'm going out with my friend TJ, and old friend from college, a guy, who has always been after my ass. I haven't seen him in a while, like 6 months or so, and I was 10-15 lbs heavier at the time. I'm kinda curious what he'll say when he sees me, if he'll notice the difference.

Oh, and I've been meaning to post this for a week or so and keep forgetting... Any ladies with a hubby or steady sig other, do you wonder what they're going to say or if they're going to notice? I know that I've lost some weight. I'm well below what I've EVER been the whole time DH has known me. Like about 8 lbs below my wedding weight, which was super low. And not a comment. I know that my ribs were showing just a little at the beginning of the holiday. And still not a word. I don't know if he's just that dense, or he really doesn't notice, or if maybe he doesn't like it and he's afraid to say so (not that I would change it for him, I'm doing this for me). *shrug* I guess I just want to know what has happened with couples once it's impossible to ignore the weight loss, so I know how to prepare.

So anyway, yesterday... No breakfast, no lunch, had a power pop and a ton of water and coffee, then at dinner had some tortilla casserole (300ish) and some salad (100ish) and some broccoli (negligible, kids ate most of it), plus a small serving of cake (100ish, also kids ate most of it). That was it for the night. Nothing today, so doing well! Stay strong lovelies!

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Day 1: success!

It had better be! If I can't succeed on the first day, then what does that say about me? But no, I'm good. I had 1 power pop (hoodia sucker) and dinner. Small dinner, I'd like to say, but it really wasn't. I had some Lasagna, then some tortilla casserole, then half of a ham and cheese sandwich. I still figure I was under 600 cals on the day, and that my friend is progress. Especially when I started the day on the treadmill. And then this morning I got back up and did the 30 day shred (level 1) and then some DDR to burn some calories.

Bring on day 2!

Monday, January 3, 2011

Back with a vengeance...

So I knew the break was going to be bad, and then I let it happen.

117.8 this morning. Yup, I gained 5 lbs over the holiday break. But I allowed it to happen. Especially right at the end, I told myself I could have whatever I wanted (that included evening ice cream and cake for birthdays and massive servings at meals, literally anything) and that once today came, January 3, I was starting back.

My new goal: how much weight CAN I lose in 1 month? 1 month is manageable. It's like that old show "30 days" where the Supersize Me guy does crazy stuff for 30 days. Well, here's my plan.

Food: coffee. Hoodia suckers *(no more than 2 per day). Water. Small dinner. That's it. Luckily hubby will be traveling some of those weekend days, so it will be easier. Plus I might get a fast or two in there.

Exercise: Monday, Wednesday, Saturday when hubby is home-- Running... Tuesday, Thursday, Sunday-- 30 day shred, maybe some DDR as well. .

Today I got up at 4am, walked .2 miles to the treadmill, walked 5 min, ran 16 min, walked 4 min, then walked .2 miles back.

So I'm sorry ladies, I've been a failure, but I'm pushing myself. I will only weigh in on Mondays (that in itself will be really hard for me) and I am really hoping/expecting a 10 lb loss by February 3. Think I can do it? 107.8 or lower by Feb 3, that's the goal, the intention. I CAN do it!

That would be my lowest weight since early high school. And less than 10 lbs from my real goal of 99 ;)

Stay strong ladies. It's a new year!