I was OK yesterday. I didn't stick to my 600 calories, cuz DH got home at 4:30 instead of 7 like I expected. That meant I had to eat dinner with the family (kept it to about 600 cals though). I'd eaten some coffee cake at work and a blueberry muffin (estimate about 500 cals there, that stuff is so bad for you).
Right at 8pm I was having some fierce cravings. I was planning the binge, the ice cream, the cookies, the pretzels, it all sounded so yummy. I got into the kitchen and saw the fresh pears, and my willpower turned me to a pear instead of all the sweet stuff. I did eat the whole pear, it was humongous, so I was full afterward. But that's still less than the calories in ONE of my sugar cookies, and I was seriously planning to eat about 5 of them.
So on the day, about 1200-1300 calories, which is right where my BMR is, so I maintained. It shouldn't be this hard to maintain!
So anyway, a girl I work with, A, yesterday asked me if I am eating. Then this morning someone else commented on how skinny I am and A was standing right there. She looked at the other girl and said "Yeah, I asked her if she's eating cuz she's so skinny now but she says she is" but she said it as though she didn't believe me. Um, wow. First, I'm not that skinny! I was wearing a freaking huge sweater and a long skirt that covers everything. Secondly, I DID eat at work yesterday, at least in the morning... not my fault she wasn't there to see it!
So I couldn't purge yesterday cuz DH was there, but I'm actually looking forward to ladies night this week cuz I can purge on the walk home. I always feel so guilty that night because I eat so many extra calories, no matter how hard I try not to, I always end up eating. But now I can just get rid of them. I even trimmed my nails today so that they won't scratch as much.
Question: Is purging addictive? The first time I did it, I had a TOTAL high for about 2 hours afterward. Is that normal? The second time I felt great, but the high was not as intense (much less food as well, not after a binge). I was just curious, I'd never heard that purging was addictive or gave you a high.
Stay strong ladies.
the long and short of it is yes, it is addictive. so whether you vomit or use laxatives it's a very hard cycle to break once you've begun.
ReplyDeletei remember from using laxies before, it's like being a drug addict...why would i do it over and over, don't know...just do :(