Meeting Mia

Wow. just wow. I'll start with the scale-- 113.4 this morning. HOORAY!!! Well, not hooray, I still look at it with disgust, but it's down quite a bit so that's good.

OK, so here's how the weekend went down.
Friday-- had lunch with co-workers... Just had some soup at the restaurant (and a ton of saltines, actually). Then dinner at Logans with mom. Um, yeah, those yeast rolls are my weakness, I'm a carb freak. I ate 2 of the rolls, all of the broiled fish that I ordered (kinda healthy, right?) the whole salad, a couple peanuts, and some of the broccoli. Not a light night, but at least most of it was healthy.

Saturday-- Got mom out of the house without eating more than a couple bites! I cooked cinnamon rolls for the kids and mom had one (even though she swears she's trying to lose weight, insert eyeroll here). There was one left, and it went into the ziploc baggy. So anyway, mom's gone, kids are napping, I had a smoke, and then the binge began. It started with just a bite of the cinnamon roll, then it included some pretzels, then some cheese cubes, then some cookies, then a spoonful of frosting right out of the container, you get my point. I literally had a 4-hour binge, from about noon until about 4pm. Then I proceeded to cook dinner for myself and the kids. And at 5pm I sat down and had a freaking MASSIVE bowl of jambalaya. I'd eaten so much I was actually nauseated, and not just because of the panic attack coming from the calories, but the sheer volume of food.
The kids were playing. DH is gone. I had the bathroom to myself. I wanted it out so bad, but I'd never had the willpower to purge before. I literally argued with myself for 10 minutes before finally giving it a try. And it wasn't at all what I'd expected. I figured I'd just poke around, everything would come up, and I'd be done. Nope. I sat there trying to find the right spot to gag for a while (I guess I don't gag easily). Then I did it a couple times, nothing was coming up, I gave up. Looked in the mirror, saw the fat, and started trying again. This repeated itself at least 3 times, and then finally something came up. But it wasn't everything like I'd expected. Again, a little more. Again, more. And then you know what I thought? "This isn't so bad-- I can do this when I need to. It's not as scary as I thought". I know I didn't get it all up, but I did get most or all of the jambalaya out. And it gave me fresh willpower for the rest of the weekend.

Sunday-- I had a couple chex with the kids for breakfast, then some lettuce with feta cheese and salsa for lunch. For dinner I made myself asparagus and ate a ton of it. And just to make sure I could still do it, I purged it. I pushed harder this time, going until I was pretty sure it was totally gone. And I didn't eat for the rest of the night. Now this was supposed to be my fast day, so it is still a failure, but I'd say I only had about 250 cals on the whole day, so that's not too bad.

This morning already I've had a tiny slice of danish (100) and a blueberry muffin (200). Can't purge at work, it really makes my face look awful, like I've been crying hard for a while. I'm going to have to work on that.

OK, so now I'm bulimic? That was one I totally didn't see coming. Honestly, I only plan to use it after a crazy binge, but it's nice to know I have a back-up plan in case of emergency.

February 19-- goal of 105. I don't know if I can do it but I'm going to try!!! Stay strong lovelies.