So I go back and forth. I want to run, and run well. When I don't eat (much) I can't run. Seriously, I struggle to go a mile. When I have been a total heifer I run fine, I can go 2 miles and feel great afterward. So I struggle with which I want to be-- skinny and weak, or fit and trim? DH would much prefer fit and trim, and really that's the way to go to keep up with my kids, but I'd honestly rather be skinny and weak. But there's so much willpower involved with each one!!! So I'm trying to make myself a deal, which is crazy, but here it is.
If I get up in the morning and exercise, then I can eat while at work.
If I choose to sleep in and not get up at 4am, then no food until I'm home from work.
Am I crazy? That way each day I have to pretty much make my decision at 4am whether I want to be allowed to eat. This morning I chose to sleep, so now I'm sitting here chewing my gum listening to my stomach complain. And tonight is ladies night, so probably I'll be going hungry again tomorrow.
But I've been so bad lately, the hunger is kind of a welcome change. I forgot how wonderful it can feel to be hungry. I'm trying to embrace the hunger, to remind myself how wonderful it can truly feel to be hungry and empty and pure. I seem to have forgotten that since the holiday break. I've been eating so much that I'm actually back to pooping regularly (like 2-3 times a week-- I was down to only once every week at the most).
Plus I've been so embarrassed that I can't step on the scale. I've made myself a new rule there as well-- I can't step back on the scale until I think it's reasonably possible that I'm down below 110. Really, I should have been there last week, but no, I have no control. If I had to guess right now I'd guess around 116 or 117, GROSS! I'm going to try just guessing for the next couple weeks and when I'm back down again I'll step back on the scale. I need to get back at it, spring break and swimsuit season are coming, and damn it if I'm going to be the fat girl another year!
i think your right we do have much in common, thanks for posting a comment on my blog!
ReplyDeletei'm injured right now and cannot run which is driving me insane but here is what i do...not sure if it will help. I don't eat in the morning and hold off until 1pm before i have any intake of food, drink a ton of water to fill that hunger feeling. every time my tummy grumbles i take a drink! (i work about 7am to 3pm). eating at 1pm holds me over to being able to run when i get home (by 4pm) also by eating at one you're not too full to run. i've tried to run after dinner and hated it, i was always sucking wind and getting cramps. try to mainly eat protein at 1pm (i don't but i'm sure it would be better if you do, it will give you the energy you need). i'm not a morning person so i would never even give working out b4 work a second thought. keep up the good work, you can do it AND do it right! Hugs, Lu