getting into the groove

Why is it that getting started is so easy, but that first week is always so hard? I have no problem starting my routine, especially when I get disgusted with the fat on my body. But it's days 3-7 that are so hard. Well, I got past day 3, and today is day 6. I'm doing well. I'm watching the scale drop, though I know that soon it will start bouncing around rather than dropping every day, that's the nature of weight loss. Anyway, I'm doing well. I'm 119.0 this morning. All week I've been skipping breakfast, eating salad for lunch with some of what they're serving at the school occasionally (just salad yesterday, wasn't going to touch the taco meat, eew). Tuesday I had half a hot dog. Couldn't even bring myself to eat the whole thing, it creeped me out. Then every night I've had a small serving of whatever I cook for dinner and a large salad with kraft free dressing (only 15 cals per serving). Yesterday had cheese and mushroom quesadilla. I served the rest of the family meat, but I stayed with the mushrooms-- just as filling, and way lower cals. I hate that I ate two tortillas, but if I hadn't it would have looked fishy.

So tonight my night class starts. That's great, cuz I might just skip dinner-- it will be easy. But tonight is also girls night. I brought chex mix, which I completely plan on passing on but if I skip dinner I'm afraid I might eat it. Ugh. I am going to skip the alcohol though, I'll go back to what I was doing last time I lost weight, and that was just drink diet soda while everyone else drowns their sorrows in the calories of beer.

Breakfast of champions-- coffee and cigarette. Love it.

So that's today. Stay strong!

Day whatever-- first week

So I started again on Saturday... todays weight was 119.6-- not bad, really. I still can't believe how high I let myself get. So I've kinda lost 5 lbs since Saturday, but you really can't count that cuz it was the first day of my period and I was super fat. Ugh. But I'm doing good, all things considered. Even yesterday, which was a high day, I still stayed under 1000 all day, so I should still have lost and I did. I know that the weight will be harder to get off pretty soon here, it should start slowing and bouncing around any day now. In fact I expect to be back above 120 tomorrow, no matter how well I do today. But the reality is that if I'm below 500 cals most days, I can still lose 3 lbs per week if I don't exercise, and more when classes end and I do start running. So realistically, I can be below 110 (which I've never been below since middle school) by Vegas as long as I don't screw up. And I won't. And I can't. I need to be good, how great would it be to be below 110 in Las Vegas with the girls????!!!! So that's my goal. Oh, and plus I want to look super hot next school year when we start so my work husband is drooling over me. I miss him so much. stupid summer vacation. Oh well. off to work.

Losing for Vegas

And finally dedicated. We booked vegas, me and the girls. There will be three or four of us, maybe five depending on circumstances. But either way 3 of us have booked. We're going out on Saturday, July 30 and coming home Monday. So yeah, quick trip... but I want to look HOT! So I started on Saturday, figuring I had 5 weeks to drop 10ish pounds and get back to what I was in December before I started packing it on again. I just started my period on Saturday, so I was at a very high weight of 124.4. That was frightening. So now it's Tuesday, and my weight this morning was 120.6... I know I'm eating around 500 cals per day (salads and light or fat free dressing, with a little bit of bread for balance). I don't know how long I'll be able to keep this up though, since I'm spending every evening with the family and eating dinner with them. I was able to tell my mom that I'm dieting, so when I went to visit her she made me salads and stuff-- my mom is cool. I think if she had the willpower she'd be ana, but like me she goes in spurts. She will lose a ton of weight, then put some of it back on, etc. I do the same thing. I was down below 115 (lowest was around 112.4 I think) in December. Honestly, if I can keep to around 500 cals per day with no mistakes, I will lose 3 pounds per week (my fitbit told me I'm burning around 2000-2200 each day). So just 5 weeks of this, then I'll look superhot in Vegas. Yay vegas!!! OK, off to find some thinspo to keep me going. Somehow the first week is always the hardest, then those habits become second nature. just gotta make it through the first week.

Almost 3 months have passed...

And without you ladies I've ballooned. I don't fit into the clothes that were loose on me in December. I'm fat. It's gross. And of course now it's swimsuit season, and I'm embarrassed to put one on!

So this is me, take two (or two hundred). I was going to wait until school was out to start again, but I just can't face the fat anymore.

I'm scared to step on the scale. That's how fat I am. I think at last weigh-in (around 2 weeks of binging ago) I was at 122. Last December I was around 112. I'm sure right now I'm closer to 125-- and all flab! I haven't had the time to exercise. I'm going to make the time!

Schedule:
Monday-- AM run (start with 20 minutes and go up from there), PM pilates DVD
Tuesday-- AM swim (start with 20 minutes and go up from there), pm homework
Wednesday-- AM run, PM class
Thursday-- AM swim, PM girls night (no eating!!!)
Friday-- AM off, PM class (one day off exercise)
Saturday-- naptime run, PM shred or P90X
Sunday-- naptime P90X

In a couple weeks my schedule will switch to classes Tues and Thurs instead of Mon, Wed... So I'll just switch out. Plus I won't be working, so I'll be able to do my exercise during the day.

Food:
2 week cleanse-- for me, this means ONLY fruits and veggies for the next 2 weeks. I'm curious what that will do to my system, but I've learned that limiting myself or setting these rules tends to work for me. My hubby is going to freak out though, so I might have to supplement a little at dinner time. If I do eat something else though, I need to keep it below 300 calories. Doable.

So I'll step on the damn scale tomorrow to give you all a true starting weight.

Here's the truth though-- I'm scared shitless. I'm scared that I won't be able to get back down to where I was. But I just have to remind myself, it's one pound at a time. Not 10, not the 20 or 25 I really want to lose. Just one pound is a success.

Here's to success!

hmmm, rules are the key

I never thought about it... but I'm learning that making myself "rules" is the key. I gave up chocolate and fried foods for lent, that's a rule for me. And now I've made myself a rule that I'm not allowed to eat after the kids are in bed. Somehow just the thought of this rule keeps me from doing it. Wow, who knew?

yesterday was OK, I guess... I didn't eat till dinner. Dinner came and I had 6 croutons (30), 11 goldfish crackers (30), then of course shoveled two of the pancakes I was making for the kids into my mouth. Then I had a salad, lettuce, 2 slices of ham, 2 mushrooms, and salsa for dressing. Total of about 200? And another pancake. Afterward I felt super guilty, so I p'd. It's so funny too, cuz 3 months ago I couldn't do that no matter how badly I wanted to, no matter how much I binged, and now I just do when I feel like it. It's hard when others are around, so I don't do it (it's easy to see in my face, I need to work on that) but right now DH is gone so I can.

Scale this morning: 116.4-- still gross.

I'm going to keep my rules close, they keep me sane and safe.

Stay strong ladies.

following the program

I ate a salad for dinner-- lettuce, mushrooms, salsa, and a few croutons. That's it.

Weight this morning-- an embarassing 117.4

but I'm re-reading Wasted, and that keeps me going.

I need this to be a lifestyle change, not just a quick fix. I need to get back into the rhythm. I remember before, I was scared to eat even a few bites of scrambled egg for breakfast. Where did that go? How did I swing back so far the other way? Ugh, gotta get back to this~!

Why can't I do this?

I am having trouble getting started again. Does that make sense? Even with goals and reasons, I just can't get back into it. I will be good for a couple days, and then it just all disappears.

So I gave up chocolate and fried foods for lent. Lent is a totally acceptable excuse to get some horrid things out of my diet, and it works great when people bring in donuts to work (Oh, I can't eat that, I gave up fried foods for lent). For a while I was running again, too. But right now DH is out of town so I can't.

My work life is falling apart, leading to stress eating. I wish I could just focus the stress to NOT eating instead. I'm working on that.

I started reading Wasted again, hoping to get myself back in that mindset. I was pretty good yesterday, but I ate all 3 meals which is not typical of me when I'm trying to lose weight. But they were small.

Today I'm skipping breakfast and lunch. Maybe I can skip dinner too, since DH is gone. We'll see.

April 9. I have to see one old friend and meet a whole bunch of her friends that day, so I need to be hot. Plus April 15, well, it's a work thing but I really want to be undeniably attractive by then.

I'm scared to step on the scale. I was going to do it today, but I'm seriously way too frightened of what it will say.

My goal is to stop pooping. I miss the days when I only pooped once a week at most. I need to get back to that.

Sorry about the absence, or the rant. I'm losing my mind.

Love you girls, stay strong!